h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh crap......

"Picks himself up from the floor covered in hair, dust, oak leaves and just a hint of Cave Man on heat by Ug"

flippin eck Doc, you said you where going to have him sorted down the vets, oh dear "Look out IB and HN!"

The unsuspecting IB and HN engrossed in the catalogue are unaware of the approaching UG, fully rampant with oak leaves twitching"

Oh, bless him. Its the start of the Neanderthal Mating Ritual - look how graceful he is swinging them round by the hair?

DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!

Then he lets them go.................CRASH

............beats himself senseless with the oak trees...........

SMASH BASH CRASH SMASH MASH CRASH BASH MASH SMASH

........smears his buttocks with Cookeen.............

SMEAR SMEAR SMEAR SMEAR SMEAR SMEAR..........

Kills a raging lion by snapping him in half and eating him, tail first in a Bush Tucker stylee............

SMURF CRUNCH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRR EEEEEKKKKKK! CRUNCH CRUNCH

Beats his chest at 160 BPM.................

BOOM TUGGA BOOM TUGGA BOOM BOOM BOOM

.....picks them both up and whispers sweet nothings in their ears....

DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB DROOB!!!!!!!

..........Then makes off with them both to the nearest cave where he will select his mate and eat the other.................

*Looks at Dai*

Oh dear..............erm, UG? Be gentle boy!

Errrrmmmm, doc, when you say eat the other, can you be a bit more specific? I mean are we talking Hannibal Lecter having an old friend for dinner here or something more likely to have the lab closed down by the moderators?

Oh sod that, one way or another we can't stand idly by and let it happen!

" Doc crosses his arms and does a little whistling routine"

Ok I know the cupboard thing was a bit much but.......

*coming from the general direction of the cave..*

OH... PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH ME

OH.. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH

OH. PLEASE DO NOT

OH.....PLEASE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OH.. PLEEEEEEEASE

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH BAAAABEEEEEEEE

*arrives out of cave, a little shaken, but hardly stirred at all, hair and other items of clothing akimbo....
IB dusts off hands, takes the rather shocked lookin HN by the hand and marches trimuphantly back to the lab...

UG staggers out and leans against the rock ......misty eyed and with visable hearts exuding ....


Hah...nothing moderate about that....moderaters...

Look Dai, I dont know who I feel more sorry for right now - the girls or Ug. Would you take them both on?

DONT ANSWER THAT!

" Crosses arms looks skyeards and whistles in an @Im saying sod all for the good of my health way"

Good grief Doc, poor little bugger, I think its all been too much for him, he's flaked out he is, I mean look at the wilt on his Oak tree!

ahhhemmmmmmm
*has changed into a better fitting rather short white leather nurse's outfit..... just cos she can... covers tattoo nicely....hi hi hi thigh boots..... takes large hypodermic needle out of her utility belt and grins...*



NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT !!!

Ug M'boy - what HAS she done to you? Speak to me boy, speak to me!

dr.................oob.........

Blimy!

Bet the ratings went sky high in Norway for that pay per phew - sorry, view!

doc... yes i want the enhanced enhancements....gimmie all you got...
hnicky here also wants some 'stuff' done..

don't ya pet?
gerrup there on the slab and let the doc assess you for fruit based diseases before he passes you fit for human consumption... (grins) if you get me.. ahem...sorry bout that..

doc.. you know me... i wouldn't hurt a fly...ug here just bit off more than he could chew.. and by god does he have a big bite....
you might have some repair work to do....

but i'll have..

*and she opens the enhancement catalog to show him*

can i have this, this and this...... and are my legs long enough for this do you think?... not sure bout that one, but.... well... could i have ....(points up at the jar on the top shelf, which houses, in some murky green liquid, an odd shaped 'thing'....)one of those? do you think?......

"Grabs a gibbering IB, slips her into a superstretcho leather straight jacket with extra buckles and zips and locks her inside a padded cupboard to calm down for 5 mins"

I don't know doc, what is about this time of year and woman doing the consumer thing, thye just can't stop you know!

True Dai, but the chance to get out the Trusty Rusty Dusty ol' chainsaw again is JUST too tempting.

Yes IB - up on the slab dear and let the Doctor loose on those parts of yours..............

MMUUUHHHUUUUwwwaaahhhhaaaaaaa!

*doc smiles indulgently and points a finger just over his shoulder....
dai turns around, very slowly with a feeling of dread


IB is standing exactly where she was....arms folded...one eyebrow up, tapping tapping... *

dai....i'm not amused..... *winks over at poor love struck UG and mouths the words 'thank you baby' and he swoons*

hokey dokey doc

*sits up onto the slab, and looks trustingly at the doc....suddenly a little vulnerable*

you won't do anything that will make me look silly now will you?
took me ages to get accepted with these puppies.....

Oh dear folks some people never learn......

" Looks on as the Doc pulls on a rather long pair of rubber gloves the like os which were last seen worn by James Herriott on All creatures Great and Small"

Oh no, he's got that look in all 3 of his eyes dear reader, I feel an enhancement coming on!

*laughs nervously*

"Doc dons a pair of dark goggles and begins fiddling with his equipment as thoise present and lurking look on, feeling a little self concious he stops fiddling and gets back to the lab equipment and to the task at hand which is the further enhancement of a nervous IB, closely followed by an unsuspecing HN who only popped in with her catalogue and tissues for a bit of sympathy. Sympathy was no where to be found so she had UG instead, like a family side tub of Ben and Jerries he was so big she had to share him with a friend, in this case IB, stay with it dear reader, Dais off on a ramble"

*stands watching nervously*


*realises the tissues have gone walkabout*


*gets annoyed the tissues have gone to the pub without her*

NURSE JUST ARRIVED!!

Where IS that girl when you need her? No matter!

*Fires up the Trusty Dusty Rusty Musty Lusty Chainsaw*

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

DAI! Bring me .......................the Parts!

*Dai brings over a heap of Acme comedy accessories and sundry lumps of flesh*

CLANG SPLAT

Thankyou!

Here we go..................ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Whir Whir Whir
Clunka CLunka Clunka chug chug chug chug fiddle fiddle fiddle EEK!

We are Done - Aris IB, you gorgeous she devil you!

*IB rises up a little woozy from the anasthetic kipper being slapped round her a tad too hard and looks down at a new small control panel built into her arm*

Right! What do they all do? Well, this button here gives you extendible heels on your killer stilletos from half an inch for your working day, up to 12 inches for those evening occasions - see?

CLICK

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzing!

12 inch killer heels - just what a babe needs!

This button controls your hair with the patented "Styleotron", so no more bad hair days - another one here activates a Mary Poppins style bottomless handbag. Your ZZeds now respond directly to your brain so you "Think" 34B's for during the day and then as big as you like when you want to ......well...............ahem...........you know.....
I have also made your knees fold BOTH ways, downloaded a full understanding of the offside rule into your brain to stump all the blokes and here is a 12 month contract to be the cover girl for FHM for the next 12 months.

Oh yes, almost forgot - I am missing Sweetpea (My darling dearest deranged demented devious Daughter of Darkness and Doom) so much
that I have given you an identical set of eight arms containing a variety of lethal weaponry AND a state of the art Custard Pie Deflector shield for those comedy pie fights we occasionally get into.

I have also sent your Nurse, Schoolgirl, Nun, Mrs Santa Claus, French Maid, Traffic Warden, Knights of the Round Table, Lap Dancer, and Policewoman outfits into the tailors to be tweaked, shortened, made see through and have more holes cut into them as they were not quite revealing enough for the lurkers, and we have to get the postings up.

Oh yes - there is also a button marked "X" on there as well, but DONT USE IT unless it is the absolute very last option................

Arise IB and strut your funky staff my Demonic Diva

IB press the button marked x lets see what it does!