h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey, nice moves and I have to say that is a lovely breast on your tattoo



NOW we are funking!

*slinks out of the supply cupboard, with what she was looking for in her hand, 2 egg beaters and a packet of marbles, 3 boxes of matches, a large avocado and a gallon of baby oil..... glares at Dai, and straightens her white leather nurses outfit.. while doing so she bends right over to adjust the buckle of her very hi boot... a roar of approval is heard from the lurking watchers...of course, being IB she knows full well what she is doing, cheeky flirt that she is and smiles to herself as she totters off across the lab to get the doc into a clinch under the mistletoe before he gets too drunk....*

"Slips in with his invite RSVP'd, appreciates the view of the exposed IB and her enhancements, motices the nice breat on HN's tattoo to keep thiings balanced"

Ok Doc I booked the entertainment, sound system and Iv'e placed the usual order for alcoholic refrehments, 3 fully laden articulated lorrys previously banned from driving throiugh certain villages will be here by Dawn, you'll like Dawn shes a nice girl and apparently untouched by human hand. Ugs been there of course!

" Dai heads outside at the sound of the 3 massive juggernauts arriving to supervise the unloading and of course personally sample the quality of the goods"

"Wonders why that last bit makes him think of IB (hic) "

Oh crap... Im dead when she gets to this bit.......

too busy to notice....found mistletoe...has caught an unsuspecing doc off guard and has him in a half nelson type of hold with all 8 of her arms (god they came in handy!) while she snogs the face off him....

MMmmmmmpppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........... (Gasps for air)............... MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmpppppppppppppppppppppppphhhhhhhhh

Dammit IB - you got more suction going on there than a Dyson! Was that one of my featured enhancements or are all oirish babes like that?

(Put to the Music of Jaws)

Eeeeeeee ooorrrr

Eeeeeeee ooorrrr

Eee oor Eee oor Eee oor Eee oor Eee oor Eee oor Eee oor ........

Can it be?

My old adversary? The Great White Killer Donkey? Here at Christmas? With MY reputation?

Quick Dai - man the lifeboat and load up the exploding carrot gun. We will lay waste to this evil thing once and for all, or my middle name is not Ahab!

Ahh Capin Doc, I like the cut of your jib matey, I can see the Chrimbo theme emerging as I tyoe, obviously you got the Radio Times and been drawing inspiration from those classic Chrimbo films that the tv companies have paid for years ago and bung on between the turkey and the queens speech trying to con the viewers that thye give value for money! Looks like the fast shows on as well, but I dai gress, (handy as my names Dai

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago- never mind how long precisely- having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the Lab. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to the lab as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the Lab. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the Lab with me......

"Wonders if El Cids on this year, can just see IB doing her Sphia Loren to his Heston and Doc strapped to a throbbing Italian at the end roaring across the sands to the sound of a monstrous organ"

Yes! I think!

Quick doc, white donkey on the starboard poop, the carrot cannons loaded, the grappling hooks are sharpened and IB's fully primed and ready, wont take much to set her off!

wat are you like the pair o ya

look
any trouble...all i have to do (according to the doc, and we have to trust that he knows what he's talking about...especially as he didn't lie bout the snoggin....mannn oh mannnn i'm still dizzy)



is press this.......


(finger slowly homes in on the

big
red
button




....................................


tune in tomorrow folks..... to see what happens

*sits waiting for tomorrow un sure if she can wait that long*

See I told you didn't take mush to set her off, and when it comes to pusing buttons I've been there big time!

"Continues in a nautical mode awaiting the arrival of Doc, whos out of his head with Scurvy. Scurvy the cabin boy joined us at our last stop and things have not been the same since!"

i heard you call me my capitain!

*scurvy the cabin boy leaps into action*

springe!!!, oo my knees have fallen off..

picks up knees and removes disguise, to reveal count jim moriarty

*thinks, ok folks, no need to clap, got it under control*

ooooooowwwwww, you gotta go owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

*The Doc appears, face drained of blood and replaced by "Theakstons Old Peculiar"*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dai

She has got her finger ....................

on the ..............................

Big Red...........................

"Button"

Ack.............gack.................

*Sweat appears on his brow followed by his moustache*

The Button Dai...................she .....might.....press..........

IT

I forgot to mention that it is the Mad Lab Self Destruct button - if she presses it, it will open a Time Space continuim tear in the fabric of creation, unleash all the demons and hounds of Hell, consume us all in a sea of Heinz Cream Of Tomato Soup, make the Chuckle Brothers emperors of the world, cast the cast of Eastenders into never ending pergatory, put all sport on pay per view, make incontinence fashionable, cancel Christmas, make the working week 60 days long, make Charles Kennedy sexy, revive the foul ghost of Watneys Red Barrel, make "Shud Uppa Your Face" number one in the singles charts for all time, make loud and extended farting the required form of greeting instead of shaking hands, make the Goons vanish from time, name everyone on the planet Beryl (male or female), make us all think the Trabant is way sexier than Ferrari's, force nasel hair to grow one inch per day AND make Dale Winton the omnipotent sex god of all time!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh Carap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Looks at a panting IB her finger fondling her button, teasing the assembled labites and obviously longing to bring it all to a climax!"

Doc, psst Doc, stop gibbering inanely and slip the temporary time comtinium distorting device from the back pocket of my handily placed and still functional multi utility belt, if we can just activate it and place her in a frozen displacement field we can remove the button and replace it with something less dangerous, well if it can be said that anything in the hands of a stressed out Irish woman can be said to be safe"

"Doc slowly slips his hand up looking for the tempoary time comtinium distorting device and fiddles arround"

Psssst Doc, Doc, I said the back pocket fer fecks sake, time place and sexual orientation for everyhting and this is none of them!

"Slipping to the rear Doc finds and activates the tempoary time comtinium distorting device"

Svvvttttt, fizzzzz

"IB is bathed and frozenin a bluesish light which does her make up no favours, Dai and the Doc dress quickly in their anti tempoary time comtinium distorting device suits (which unfortunately look like something worn by Santas Elves, but hey its Christmas) slip inside the blue bubble and begin to carefuly remove the red button. Time pases, well for you it does dear reader your outside the bubble, but soon our heroes imerge the button in Docs hand and the future of the world as we know it safe and secure, well for now anyway"

You know Doc, that was brilliant, never seen someone who has such a way with buttons, very impressed, thing is its left a bit of a gap so any ideas what we can put in it?

Acouple of ideas Dai, but it is before the watershed and children may be lurking!

(Mugs to Camera and twirls moustache still fixed to his forehead)

I think it is the end Dai - just looked at the audience figures and they are way down, M'boy. Perhaps it is time to press the Lab self destruct button after all and go seek homes to subvert in other threads?

Either that or we need new recruits to lobotomise!

Sad sad day Doc, yes the audience figures are on the decline , even taking the boost we got from the Norwegian Pay per Phew and there seems to be a rise when IB bends down to adjust her thigh boots but we cant depend on that happening every 5 mins. What am I say , this is IB FFS!