h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ahhhhh, Welcome to my humble Lab. Over here we have the Slab for all those humerous and wacky operations, and over there is a wall full of those Flash Gordon/Frankenstein things that go Whhzzz Whzzzz Whzzzz with sparks flying about the palce. Adds lots of Atmos.

I am going to be putting up an advert for a bitter and twisted assistant, so if anyone is interested then please apply here for an examination (Muuhaaawaha) Sorry - getting into the role way too early.

If you have any Fruit connected illnesses, then you can see me in my off days over at the Surgery.

So, lets kick this off shall we? *Sits at dusty desk, hits bell on desktop...TING!*

Next!

I can see you're settling in nicely.

Yes, I like what I have done with it so far. Damned hospitable of you - now, got anyone you want me experiment on ?

No-one springs to mind - we occassionally get non-thingites who wander by, I'll be sure to direct them your way when they do.

Meanwhile our main thread is called "no no no" why not join us over there for a bit. The Clan are quite welcoming to new recruits.

*Packs Doctors bag for the No No No thread - leaves note on Lab door saying Gone to Lunch*

*Takes note down, puts up another "Ring Bell"*

*rings bell*

Meow! I'm here about a job!

*Opens door*
Ah welcome, do come in. I am afraid we are all out of iced fingers from Thomas the Baker covered with Heinz tomato ketchup, but I do have spare ribs?

Here about the job then are you?
*Takes a seat*

Please sit down - now, what are your qualifications for this role?

Well, I am half cat and some of my claws are covered with venom, paralysing toxins, truth serum, etc. so I'm very good at defending research and chasing off used car salesmen!

I'm not mad *tries to hide the tattoo under her sleek black fur that says 'Certified Insane and dangerous'*

And I believe in the sanctity of fruit

Ahhhh, good answer on the fruit, although I only deal with that back in the surgery on my days off now.

How are you finding dead bodies, digging them up, bringing them back here for unspeakable experiments and then losing them again?

Do you look good in a lab coat - and can you say "Yeth Mathter" while dragging one leg around when I ask you for things?

Cake?

I can do all those things, I can even drag *two* legs around as I have four

*changes into a beautiful woman for a instant (think Jessica Rabbit) and back again*

No, thanks, I don't eat

Good Grief!
In the absence of Mr I turning up - at all - and your ability to drag both legs while dressed in a lab coat looking like Jessica Rabbit, then you have the job my boy..Girl....Cat.

GOOD!

Now all we need is someone/thing to experiment on!

I have just the person, masshhter.
I shall just go and fetch her

Her name is lil old me, when she arrives tie her up!

*leaves dragging both legs behind her*

But before we do that, your first job is go out and buy some creaks for this front door. It is way too quiet for a Mad Lab. Think we also need a dozen spiders webs, a couple of rotting brains in jam jars and some gratuitous bimbo in the corner who can shriek in terror when we do our experiments.

I hear Homebase have a 10% off day today - here is a pocket full of change (Clangooo) so be a good twisted assistant and go and get them please. I have work to do making the Boing Bomb work and my "Tarty" theory.

Bless you Jessica - come back soon!

*quicly runs in carrying the equipment requested, sets them up in a most evil manner*

Masshhter, please don't call me Jessica my name is twisted assisstant (TA)

*runs out again to get lil*

*bimbo shrieks in corner as a goes near her*

Good work Twisted Assistant! Looking more like home everyday (puts on tape recording of Thunder and lightning)

*Tosses another at the bimbo in the corner to see if she is still working* (SHHHHRRIEEEKKK!) Yup!

*Brings out a fruit bowl and puts it on the coffee table*

Now we are in business!

`

A newcomer! What can we do for you stranger - did my Twisted Assistant bring you here?

*Gets down from ladder and stops installing dry ice effects machine*

Um?

I was just eating my Marmite Sandwich and then *puffff* I was here!

Wherever *here* is!

I think you were brought here by my Twisted Assistant - she did mention something about tying you up and experimenting?