h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nothing

I've been waiting 50 minutes for a Doctor or even a nurse, must be NHS

*appaers from now where*

Oh yes you'll do

*clamps illegible scrawl into a chair next to GB*

Who, me?

oh go back to sleep

No thanks. I'm quite refresed now.

*dances a mad jig with the *

GB - Awake at last - how are the Melons we inserted? Sore? Thought they might be - here rub this on twice a day before and after meals with a drink.
NURSE JUST ARRIVED! Stop dancing round your handbag come over here...
*The Doctor reaches over and honks her Hooters HONK HONK*
*Mugs shamelessly to the Camera*
Good!
TWISTED ASSISTENT! I seem to have split that tea that took Assasin a whole day to make. It appears to be burning a hole in my shoe - get the Fire Extinguisher for me please, theres a good evil assistent.
Ahhhhhh - A new customer! Illegible Scrawl? That is your name or just an observation? No matter.
Me and the finest cyber surgical team are here to cater to your every whim. Earlier today, I personally perfected Nurse Just Arrived over there - she is the one gyrating round her handbag in that very fetching uniform RRrrrrrrrrr
We have a special on today for Melon insertion - GB was our launch customer and they are growing nicely.

How can my mental organ grinders make you better, Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?
*Plays Chubby Checker on the Banjo, everyone takes a and frenzedly does the Tango*

The Doctor flashes a garlicky grin to the Bimbo SSHHHRREEEK!!

what's all this?

think frankenstein's lab reimagined via the rocky horror picture show - and you almost there.

*IS wakes up after 15 hours clamped in a chair.*

Feel a bit stiff guys - the rest of me is a bit tired too.

So Doctor can you cure me?

The rusty Lab door smashes open, knocking the Bimbo off her feet SShhhrreeek!

UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAME! You got here so quickly from the surgery - and your stump has stopped bleeding. Very good!

Ladies and Gentlemen - today we will build the most wonderful and exotic beast on the board from body parts donated from yourselves and nominated relatives. Unpronouceable Name over there has kindly donated his left foor already, so we are off and getting down.

TWISTED ASSISTANT! Put this foot in the fridge until we need it and throw the brains out please, they are past the sell by date.

NURSE JUST ARRIVED! Prep the slab please - a new day is upon us and I think we are going to be busy.

Now were was I - oh yes Hummmmmmppphhhhhh (drag drag drag drag clunk kerump) My old jukebox from the old country - it fits in so well here.
*Puts a coin in and selects B14*

They did the Mash...They did the Monster Mash...The Monster Mash....It was a graveyard smash...

Thats more like it!
*Grabs the Bimbo and does the Cha Cha*

*sprays fire extinguisher everywhere including on the bimbo, who screams*

*holds up a wrapped box*

Massshhhttter I have a for you!

Ahhhhhhhhh, Illegibal Scrawl - good to see you have woken up. Wish to donate a part or two? SPLENDID!

NURSE JUST ARIVED! - Bring me the anaestetic!
Thankyou.
*Twacks Illegibal Scrawl round the head with a flounder*
Are we out of Cod then Nurse Just Arrived? No matter, still seems to work *Manic grin and moustache twirling to camera - whips out the trusty rusty chainsaw*
RRRRRrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzweeeeeeeeeeeeeChugachugaachugga....SPLAT!
EXCELLENT!
TWISTED ASSISTANT! Put these two armpits in the fridge please and order some more Cod.
*Waves a kipper under Scrawls nose to bring him round*
Now, while you are here, can I interest you in some nice silicon bumps at all?

*puts the armpits in the fridge*

Don't you want my Masssttthhherrr?

Twisted Assitent? A for me? I am touched.......what is it? Do I need the bomb squad? *A small tear fills his eye*

Oh yes, while we wait to open it, can you just put these on Ilegibal Scrawl please - I think he is thinking about stealing his armpits back.

*puts on IS*

*watches as the doctor unwraps a brand new, twisted evil genius scalpel and disemboweling set complete with upgraded bimbo*

Why - its just what I always wanted! Thankyou Twisted Assistant! Take a raise in rank for being so thoughtful.
*Whips out his trusty rusty chainsaw and dubs TA on each shoulder*
I name you - COLONEL Twisted Assistant - feel free to kidnap someone to serve under you!
AND an upgraded Bimbo - White Stilletos, vacant grin, platinum blonde synthetic hair and she speaks 10 phrases if you pull the string out of her back!

MARVELLOUS! *Eyes old Bimbo* Colonel TA - select a body part from the Ex Bimbo, remove it with my new scalpel and whack it in the fridge with the rest of the parts.

THIS is how to start the day!

IS clamped to a chair and handcuffed with no armpits.

"How can you handcuff me with no armpits?"

Hey I didn't want to donate my armpits, I thought this was the Gender restructuring clinic.

I wanted to become a woman, not lose necessary parts, am I in the wrong place.

*starts to panic*

IS! Have no fear. We can re-assign you to any of the three genders you wish. We have Ex Bimbo over there that we can remove her armpits and nail them onto you, and she has many parts she is willing to give up!

SSSSSSHHHHRREEEEEIIIIIIKKKKK!

Hang about - what am I thinking! We can simply stick your brain in HER body, make good and Bobs your uncle. What do you say boy, what do you say?

BIMBO! Over here! There you go IS - she is JUST what you need and just think - you will never have to pay to get in clubs or buy a drink EVER again!

Say yes! *Manic comedy glint in his eye*

Well, erm, do all her womanly bits function fully?