h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Can I finish my Marmite Sandwich first?


*lil sits down and starts scoffing*


I'm starving!

*wanders in*

Oh, are there any evil goings on about I can participate in?

mmmffadsm Sorry about that, I am starving!

I don't know. You'll have to ask the Doc there *points to lab table*

*rings bell*

Anybody need another qualified and certified Mad ?

Ohhh, yes please, the more the merrier. Ralph - get the rope.
Evil Assasin? I'm gasping - a cup of tea would be great, thanks

Where was I? Oh yes. Finished that Marmite Sarnie? Good!
Get up on this slab then......

Huumpph...twiddle twiddle knot knot knot....

Ah Ha! *Lil is firmly trussed to the slab*

Now my evil assistants - What shall we do first, hmmm?

*Snaps on the rubber gloves and hovers over a set of surgical instruments, a banjo and assorted nuts and bolts......

Excuse me..excuse me!

Can you just adjust that knot there *nods with her head*

It's digging in!

Tsk, tsk . we are about to examine the inside of your head, twiddle with your Jeans (Opps, sorry - "Genes") increase your output ratio, decrease your re-animation rates, install the latest Liux operating system, give you Banjo lessons AND give you an irrational fear of plums, AND ALL YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT IS A KNOT?

Oh, allright then........Fiddle Fiddle Knot Knot Knot. There - better?

*Throws a at the bimbo in the corner*

SSHHRRREEIIIKKK!

Thank you Doctor *she murmured huskily*

Do you really think these enhancements will benefit me?

I thought shapeshifting was the ultimate experience!!




What is that!!!!

*walks in*

Masshhtter, can I make the first incision?

*leers at the bimbo who shrieks accordingly*

*helpfully unlocks the cupboard marked: "Chainsaws and Rusty Scythes"*

That's B I G Doctor!!!!

It certainly is!
Twisted Assitant! You may have the first slice.....
Clive! That rusty chainsaw - stop waving it aboutm you will have someones eye out.
Assasin! ASSASIN??? Where is that tea? Two sugars, anticlockwise.

Everyone in position?
Right - ohhh forgot the silicone implants. Who wants to put those in?

*Leers at the Bimbo*

SSHHRREIIIIKK!!

Oooo Doctor *still husky voiced*

I've alway wanted silicone implants, but could never afford them!

Is this free on the NHS?

I wasn't waving - I was merely indicating.

Well indicated Clive!
TWISTED ASSISTANT!! Where is she when you need her? We need to do the incision, and you did win the sweepstake, so it is your turn!
ASSASIN???!!! What does a mad scientist have to do round here to get a cup of Tea??

Right - everyone ready? *Unwraps two large wobbling piles of silicone*
The other two are on the way, we can add those to the back to stop you falling over.
*Plays Foggy Mountian Breakdown on the Banjo - Evrybody gets a and bops*

ENOUGH! Right - BIMBO! The screens! SSHHRREIIKKK!
Pass me the screwdriver.... (Zoink)
Wrench.... (Grunge Grunge Grunge)
Plumbers Mate....(Squeeeeeeze)
Hot Glue Gun...(Pst Pst Pst)
Grater......(Zigga Zigga Zigga)
Stapler......(SNAP SNAP SNAP)
Get that cat out of here......
BIMBO! Wipe the sweat away - I thankyou!

WE ARE DONE!! *Sound of a zip being done up*
Behold - I have created woman!

But Doctor were they meant to be down there? *a little alarmed*

*coughs politely*

Im behind you sir

*appears alarmingly close to the doctor*

Heres your tea then

*throws more spiders around for affect*

Hmmm not enough cobwebs

anyone for bodyparts lucky dip?

Its all the latest rage, do you not follow fashion! They would be a positive godsend to short blokes as well.......*Winks to camera*

Now we have polished your teeth, moved the eyes, plucked your armpits, done the bumps, examined your ears, given you an irrational fear of Plums and made your left leg one inch shorter (Helps when dancing round your handbag).

Anything else? GOOD! Now, you get a 20% reduction on anything as out launch customer plus another 10% if you tell your mates about us.
That will be £800 *Kerching* Thankyou, here is your receipt, 12,000 mile warranty and anti corrosion guarantee.

Now my creation, go forth into the world and stun everyone with your grgeousness and ability to dance in circles!

We do have an opening here though if you would like to be my assistant Nurse?
Rrrrrrrrrrrrr

Thank you assasin, lovely cuppa!
Nice work with the Spiders too! SSHHRREIIKKKK!
SHUT UP BIMBO!

Body Parts lucky dip? I'm up for that
*Plays Foggy Mountain Breakdown again, everybody grabs and bops*

*Presses bell on desk* TING

NEXT!

*Stands up and turns a full 360 degrees and turns back to face the doctor*


But Doctor if I get an itch, It might look like I'm scratching my b***s

Could you please bring them up a little higher to say here *points to chest*

And yes I would certainly like to be your nurse Doctor *husky voice again*