h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dunno, maybe it's the same thing that happened to frog.

Why what happened to frog?

Dunno.

Actually, there was a Thingite a while back who just disappeared suddenly, and his personal space and his name had been changed, after he disappeared.

"Perhaps he was abducted. Those things happen, you know. But really, you're missing the point." Phaid pulls a very large missile launcher from his rather normal looking satchel. "What I was really talking about was something along the lines of..." he fires out the window at an unassuming passerby.

Well yes, that is important.

"Of COURSE it's important! Isn't this the Boardroom of E-vil!? Now, anybody have any interesting ideas, or should I just keep blowing up random passers-by?" Phaid lovingly strokes his rocket launcher, smiling menacingly.

We can build some device that makes everyone refer to themselves in the third person.

Terran could have agreed to that

We already made one?

"You'd think that Terran would know if he did or did not agree to that." Phaid returns his rocket launcher to his satchel, and rifles through it, searching for something. "I know I put that remote control somewhere. Did I ever tell you guys about all of the really cool contraptions hidden in the wood work, around here?"

Do we really need that many? What are you expecting an orgie? Oh wait, contraptions, I thought you said something else.

"Oh, that's funny! Wait...Oh, not really." Phaid rummages around in his satchel. "I know I have that... Ah, here it is!"
He casually fires a .50 cal. Desert Eagle pistol at Cosmic, just to prove the point. "Is there no-one here who actually believes in the the cause, anymore!? To usurp, cause damage, instill chaos!?

"Wait. I think I've been here before. Perhaps it would be better if I WERE to detonate the 10,000 pounds of explosives I have hidden in the wood work. Would save us the trouble of actually DOING things! I wish Galligan wee here! You wimps would be dead already!"

I can't focus on Evil, Plotting and Mayhem when I'm bored, so detonating that would be very productive.

*A chilling mist engulfs the roof. A loud and eerie voice is heard seemingly from all around the room, and it spoke thusly*

I see that you, Phaid, are still keen. This pleases me. And such faith, my my it would be discourteous of me to disappoint you.

*The mist grows thicker and shadows flit through it in all directions. The occupants of the room can hear the faintest of footsteps but it is impossible for them to tell where they are coming from. Suddenly a wrenching-snapping sound is heard from the butlers ben, followed by a gargling hiss of escaping air and then some noises like branches snapping...*

...Cosmic...a pleasure to end you...

*...and suddenly a white spiked object whizzes out of the mist, slicing through Cosmic's right ear before thudding into the wood panelling behind him. Further thuds are heard from all about the wall, amidst swirls of smoke as the ribs of an unfortunate butler are flung in Cosmic's and Phaid's direction.*

Oh and Phaid, although I admire your loyalty I do not appreciate you playing with my things, especially the explosives that *I* have previously laid throughout the wood panelling, especially when I plant ones with those special motion sensors.

*All eyes move to the first rib to hit the wall. After a moment of deathly silence an ominous ticking noise starts eminating from the points where the rib is sticking into the wall. Then one by one, and all terribly quickly, the points where the other ribs are stuck start ticking too.

Have fun children...*says the voice as it fades away and the ticking grows louder and louder*

Alas the days where Myst, Legion, Yankee-shoes, and Jade so ruthlessly destroyed the impudent, impaled the dense, and eviserated the help seem to have fallen by the wayside. I miss the elegant plans for domination, the constant bloodletting, the undeciferable conversations in elvish, all of it.

Perhaps I shall try the summoning ritual.....

*begins to scribe out a summoning circle with some chalk*

I'm a detail guy, I can't come up with the broader focus of plots.

What else is required for the ritual?

I've read the book before, I believe you need the left collar bone of Saddam Hussein

Damn, I only have the right one.

Butler! *stabs butler*

Another one! Alright go get the left collarbone of Saddam Hussein. *garrotes butler*

You all heard what I said! GO!

Any luck so far? Need a hand? *Pulls out shovel, and map of ritual burial grounds and mausoleums...*

No! I said Saddam Hoo-ssien, not Ha-ssein! Bad Butler! *sends butler into Rancor Pit*

Oh wait, this is the correct one. Oh well, no one'll miss him.