h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The reverse-engineered GalArmy battleship appears and blasts at some nearby buildings. It then flies up into the Ring and hides in a spacedock, surrounded on all sides by Innocent Civilians and red-shirted extras.]


[Could you let me describe the room the GalArmy battleship is in, please?]

*Affy glares at the creature*

I don't think this is a Horrible Something. It's definitely Something Horrible, but I could've sworn the Horrible Somethings were a lot smaller. In any event...


*Turns on the Thought Beacon, which sends thoughts to a certain being. Because thoughts are organized in universal symbols instead of actual words, any creature would be able to understand the thought process*


We represent the Donut Federation. Is this a friendly world, and are you friendly?


*Affy monitors the return feedback. He frowns*

Oh, no. Run. RUN! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY SOME KIND OF SALESMAN! Let's not take chances...

*Puts on his OmeGauntlet, and exits the ship, hoping GL will remember to lock up. Affy runs to the nearest tourist trap. He looks, and frowns*

The biggest can of tapioca in the galaxy? This is tacky. I'm wasting my time, my money, and my...HEY T-SHIRTS!

Mew!!! I'll kill you!
That's my Carrier you've got!!

*Pr. C. Tonks allows his Star Ship to take off again, and flies in Mew's general direction...*

*RL:*
No Mew, you can't describe the ship...it is one of my creations anyway...

You can describe the modifications though...

If you want the names of the offense and defense systems, check out page A432460!
*...RL.*

[YK] I was right.

[BigC, for those of us who WEREN'T ACTUALLY READING THE WHOLE POST, I said, "the ROOM the GALARMY ship is IN."]

}You want the GalArmy ships back? Sure, you'll find five of them in the GalArmy forum. As for the one we've gone overboard with?{

[The reverse-engineered GalArmy ship appears and explodes]

When we last left him, Afgncaap5 had spotted some ridiculously overpriced T-Shirts. He is currently standing in a long line, waiting to purchase one of them, as well as a few bumper stickers and snack items.


If I didn't know better, I'd say that this line hasn't moved in an hour.

*Checks where he's standing*

No, it has moved. Five feet. I'm five feet from where I started an hour ago.

*Stares at the thirty foot line. Stares at the ludicrous amount of items all of them are carrying*

This won't end well...

Someone dim the viewscreen quick before we're all blinded!!!

Noooo! My Carrier!!
Smallcy, despatch probes! Return all fragments for self-assembling...

*several tiny, miniscule probes head out and pick up the tiny fragments of the internally cumbusted GalArmy Carrier vessel, and bring them aboard the Smallcy...*

Mew's gonna pay for this!

Anyway, that's one task out of the way...

*sits at his comm desk, biting the end of a pencil... no, the RIGHT end...*sigh*...thinks*

The bomb... anti galaxy... but why?...hmm... horrible somethings.. want power... but dead... rock buns... goons...want some powe... stupid... Infinity.... Beyond...

*sighs* keep going everyone... it may take me a while to figure this one out...

[YQ] I think I'll take matters into my own hands.

[YQ sits at the navigation seat]

[YQ] Comfy.

[He plays with the controls.]

[Exterior: Space: Above Beyond: Day]
[The Mangar moves toward the Ring]

[IInterior: Mangar: Bridge: Closeup of YQ]

[YQ] Fast, too. Boy, when they made this new thing, they KNEW what they were doing! [smirk]

*The Smallcy assumes an orbit over Beyond, scanning it, and trtying to find its entry in his DataBase...with no success...*

Why isn't this on my records!? I never miss a planet!

*Has another look. Gets the OB Computer to find out what happened when his probes reached this system years ago...*

I'd say they're still down there.....caught in a tourist trap....

see...you can see them around that T-shirt stand Affy went to if you scan it....i think they're running it by the looks of things..

I think it's all a ploy to distract us while they syphon off our dilithium crystals. I mean they're charging £11 a gallon round here.

YK, you aren't on the Mangar. You're on the Esirpretne. Same universe, wrong forum.


*Affy is standing in the line, agonizingly waiting for it to move. Finally, after several hours, he gets to the front, pays for his T-Shirt, and leaves*

Why on Zork did I buy this thing? It costs too much.

*Starts making his way back to the CLI Mini-UFO (which the salesmonster seems to have left alone), and is about to get in when he sees a tourist trap entitled "The Classic Text Adventures Of Our Galaxy!". Affy stares at the museum-like building*

Oh. Wow.

*Checks his watch*

I'm sure the Esirpretne can last without me for a few minutes. Er, hours. Days. No more than a week.

*Finally looses all control, and runs into the building. Meanwhile, The Economy of this planet is grinning: another tourist has been trapped*

*groans...*

Hell, I'd better do something about those things...

*has a look at some equipment in the back of the Ship...comes back to the front cabin wearing something that looks terribly like a HEV...*
*(It's a Hazardous Environent Suit from Half-Life...very chunky... )*

Well, this'll keep me safe...even CompreMatter shields can't keep out the pressures on tourists these days...

Now, I'll have to think of soemthing to get Affy out of there...hm...

*ponders...*

*staggers onto bridge clutching head*

Argghhh... Ow... We have to rescue Affy! I can feel that his brainwaves are being drained by the tourist traps down there! If we don't act soon, we could lose him... forever!!

Oh dear. This planet, Beyond, was the one which was sending us the distress signal waaaaay back at the beginning of the thread... but it seems to have not existed before a few weeks ago, according to these sensors...

Oh no... the whole planet is a trap! It's a huge sentient organism which is luring people in via tourist tack and eventually draining their life-force...

We have to save Affy and GL! I think this calls for a new thread... an away mission, Number One? You up for it?

Oh, and a big hello to BigC and The Paradox

Hello!

*looks down at himself and his HEV, looking rather foolish...*

Can I come and save Affy too? The Universe needs his science as well as mine...

Sorry, I got messed up.


[YK] I sense a disturbance in the Force.

[YQ] No kidding.

[YK] No, it's not the planet!

[YC] Then what was it!?

[YK] I don't know!

[YQ] Then why're you disturbed?

[YK] Because the Force is!

*quickly hides his Dimension Rippler behind his back...*

Oh, sorry YK....just found this old thing in the back...bit old...useless..
Jolts quite a few forces in its vicinity...