h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Or he would, but the Force is currently not as reliable as it is when the anti-telepathy field is off. However, he does neutralize the alchohol just enough to make HP walk to the bar without bumping into anything on the way. Affy walks up to one of the customs officers, and hands them his Identification Card*

Sure hope that my card is compatible with non-CLI computer.

*smiles at the customs officer with her "everything is in perfect working order" smile that she's used so many times on bank officers & ship inspectors so many times & gotten away with*

*The customs officer looks dubiously at the ships papers*

Coming to save the galaxy, huh? Hurmph. That makes you the fourth ship this week. And it's only Tuesday. The other 3 turned out to be booze smugglers trying to make a buck off of our prohibitionist galaxy. If you look out your viewport there, you can see some of the wreckage of those ships over there.


Okay. Full Search.

*GL slips out of the room and runs to Affy's office.*
Affy! We have to come up with a way to hide all that booze!

[YK] Affy! Turn the telepathy field off! I think I know what to do!

[Affy obliges]

[YK, YC, and YQ use the Force to neutralize all the alcohol on the ship and add "Non-alcoholic" to the labels of all the booze casks]

[YK] Turn it on again.

[Affy obliges]

*following the slightly less intoxicated Quorn into ten-forward
, now feeling rather glad she'd decided on that orange juice, but hoping that Quorn was still talking to her because of it...*

That should do it! But will the custom's officers be convinced?

>

*Slightly less intoxicated due to the sobering Force, Quorn decides that he'll have an orange juice himself*

Nothing wrong with a good ol' glass of OJ. Anti-galaxy bombs and evil tea snacks can really take it out of a man... *sips the orange juice and tilts his glass to a passing inspecting officer*

[HP}=~~ (Quorn)

[When the anti-telepathy field goes on the first time, there is a thud from inside a crate. The sound of an antigrav generator is heard]

[YK] I just had a --

[YC] --bad feeling--

[YQ] -- about this.

[YK] Oh shut up!

Hmmm... I think we need to find a highly sophisticated peice of futuristic technology and turn it on!

*Sloshes over to BB*
Here! No... wait... those are my underpants... err... Hey look, the (Non-Alcoholic) Duff Blimp!
*Gestures at the celing and dashes off down the corridor*

*The customs officers return to the bridge after their search. One by one, they all report the same thing to their commander:*

Officer: Lots of cases of non-alcholic whiskey, rum, gin, vodka, rye, beer, etc. etc.

Commander: Did you test samples?

Officer: Yes. No alcoholic content.

Commander (grudgingly): Okay, then, Captain ... er ... Boy. This is very suspicious, but you are cleared to enter the Infinity Galaxy. We will keep a few samples of your, um, non-alcoholic alcohol for study. Good bye.

*The customs crew beams off*

So, To Infinity! (and maybe a bit further...)

No rush... YK still has to do that trick where he uses the Force return the alcohol content to all of my drinks! *eyes YK accusingly* If I find so much as a can of shandy without its stated percentage vol. , I'll have you! No one cheats a Refungi!

*sighs*

Sobriety always makes me feel bitter...*puts a hand to his head and sips his OJ*... so, once we've passed through Infinity, what were we sposed to be doing again?

[YK restores the alcohol content]

[YK] Right! Now let's go!

[A relatively smallish starfighter carrier abruptly comes out of hyperspace and explodes. Disaster repair ships swarm towards it, only to be blown to bits by what looks like a reverse-engineered GalArmy battleship. Its exterior has been painted a light shade of red, and emblazoned on the front is a black silhouette of a cat's head. Two large wings are on the top. It starts blasting at everything around it with bombs and torpedoes, and then goes into hyperspace on a direct rout towards Beyond, followed by five inexplicable globes of pink light.]

[Just before it does, there is the sound of a teleporter inside the aforementioned crate]

*suddenly, following the trajectory of the Carrier appear six probes from The Space Station Big C...*
*they swarm around the site of the explosion, and analyse the damage...*

[YK] Allow me. [turns on comm] Hi, BigC! This is YK. Remember me? We climbed Mt. Muwemu together.

Ah, Big C's here. Let's send him some of the booze, that'll help any stranded crew members relax after we help rescue. C'mon, GL.

*Affy and GL go to the CLI-Mini UFO. They launch the ship, and fly over to where Big C's ship is*

Greetings, Big C, from the Donut Federation. Unless you're already a member of the Donut Federation. Are you?

Anyway, we're here to help. What kind of help is it? We can completely re-hull a ship with a special mithril alloy we made in about half an hour, if the need arises.

*Pr. C. Tonks' voice is heard over the probes' frequency...*

Ah, hello everyone.
My Computer's reported one of my Carrier vessels missing. I was wondering if you could lend me any information regarding what state it was in when last seen, what it did, and where it's headed for.
All I know is that Mew was last in command of it, which is probably not a good thing...

The Donut Federation? I don't believe I am a member, no.
Hmmmmm....

*there's a slight pause as Pr. C. Tonks thinks a bit...*

Maybe I ought to fly over there in person. No, I'll get my new COMPIGRAM over there instead...he'll treat the situation like I would...
Right, I'll (well, a second me) be over there shortly...over and out...

*A few hours later, as it turned out that his COMPIGRAM wasn't quite through the testing stages yet, he arrives in the Smallcy, his own Star Ship, GalactiReg Nr. N18J.*
*A wormhole opens infront of the group of probes hovering and scouting the scene of the explosion, and the Sallcy emerges, closing the hole behind it.*
*Pr. C. Tonks (well, the COMPIGRAM of him) switches on the comms unit and tunes in...*

Hello? Ah, hi there!
Erm, yes, I believe one of my Carrier class vessels exploded here, but after a thourough scan, my probes say it's gone again.
I was wondering if you could lend me any info about what you saw, and if it caused you any harm.
Although I did not order it here, it is still one of my vessels, so if it caused you any damage, I would gladly pay for it...

What are you doing out here anyway? It's a bit far from Earth isn't it?