h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The Supreme Counter of Cookies calls the missile back to base in order to save on this quarter's departmental budget. He then takes out a cookie jar and begins to count the contents.]

*watches the crew arrive safely from the away mission*

Heeeeey, another successful trip, eh? Great! We'll have a party!

Croz, Wendy! Great to... oh, you're busy... YK, YC, YQ, Nerf, Link! Welcome back. Commander E, good job sir! Nex, Garius well done!
*nods to the Professor* I'm sure you came in handy *wide grin*. Hey IE, done any of that insane danger stuff yet? You guys are gonna hafta tell me all about it... How on earth did you diffuse the anti-galaxy bomb?

*the eyes of the crew turn to Quorn*

Did I say something wrong?

*the crew look at each other nervously*

Oh... dear...

Didn't we blow something up with that?

~~A~~

[The Supreme Counter of Cookies locks the Esirpretne in a powerful tractor beam and begins to drag the ship to a firey death in The's atmosphere]

* A mysterious wheezing stranger materialises in a shimmer of light in ten forward. He is four foot tall, dressed entirely in black apart from a pair of dayglo orange sneakers with white laces, and wears a black helmet which, were it purple, would look far to obscene to appear in a PG production such as this.

* He runs his finger ove one of the tables, shakes his head at the dust on his black glove, and approaches the bar...

* The ludicrous description belies his natural menace - the whole room goes silent as he speaks...

Give me the strongest drink on the ship - in a dirty glass.

*Affy runs into Ten-Forward*

Everyone, listen! Iwas looking over the dimensional seismograph, and two things are happening: first of all, we're slowly being pulled towards the planet's core. The ship could survive the heat for a few days, but we wouldn't want to risk much more than that. Second of all, according to the seismograph, there's been some activity from some kind of hyper-powered being the vicinity. Now, I know that we've dealt with those kind of entities before, but I want everyone to be on total lookout for anyone who looks suspicious. Got that?

*Doesn't wait for an answer, and sits down on a barstool*

Phlog please.

*Affy turns to the strange being sitting in the stool next to him, and stares for a few moments*

You're new on this ship. I can tell. And you've got a name, so you're obviously an important character. So, what're you up to?

*Meanwhile, on the corridors of the ship, the little robot continues it's walk. It has activated a cloaking mechanism, enabling it to move about undetected. It peers around a corner, and sees it's goal: the engine room*

*The Smallcy, not affected by the Universe, hence not pulled in by any tractor beams, swings round again, and attempts to actually push the Esirpretne back...*

*Pr. C. Tonks checks his own dimensional seismographs, and confirms what Affy said...*

*Then goes off to the back of the Smallcy for a cup of tea...*

*Croz wanders in with his arm around Wendy.*

Two really large drinks and a 12" Meat Feast pizza please.

[Link sneaks into the engine room, sensing the robot using magic. He has his bow and a Light Arrow ready...]

* Turns to Affy

I am a hyperpowerful and unpredictable being whose only joy in existence is thwarting the carefully laid plans of others by distorting universal probability constants. I would have got here earlier in the series, but I was stuck in the Queue continuum.

So, what's with this ship? Don't you have any cleaners?

[The robot turns around, but doesn't see Link. It decides that it has experienced a false alarm and continues]

[The Supreme Counter of Cookies smiles slightly to himself and places the one millionth cookie on top of an enormous pyramid he's been building for the last few days. For a while, he stands and watches it, then pulls a small communications device from his pocket and switches it on]

Increase the power to the tractor beam. I want a shooting star in the sky to watch while I have lunch.

[dramatic music. The Supreme Counter of Cookies puts the communicator away and Strides(TM) towards the door, his cloak billowing behind him. At the door, the effect is spoiled because he's too tall to get through it without ducking. Once he's in the corridor, he laughs a Supremely Evil Laugh, then goes to feed the cat.]

There is a flash of cyan light, and a strange looking elf wearing a long hat and a cape appears in the room. He pulls out a small handheld device and looks at it, puzzled.
"Huh? I think this is the wrong planet. The anti-teleport field must have deflected my subspace trajectory to here." He looks up and gasps at the enourmous pile of cookies. "Wow! Well, there are so many here, they probably won't mind if I take just one."
As he pulls one out of the pyramid, which collapses, an alarm goes off. There is another flash, and he still stands there.
"Um... Oops... Forgot about the field..." He pulls a black metal rod out of his pocket, fiddles with a dial on the side of it, then waits to confront the inevitable security guards.

[Link aims the bow&arrow at the robot and ... hides behind a control bank as the robot starts to turn in his direction...]

*Also in Ten-Forward.*

Well, I would tell you what happened out there, Quorn, but I fear it would take me too long.
So, instead I'll just have a vodka and lime and relax from that away mission!
*grins*

>

[Inside the big tunnel]

[First Mew] }Hey ... it looks like we've got our work cut out for us!{

[Third Mew] }Then we don't need this?{

[Third Mew gestures to something off camera. All we can see is a drill-like thingy]

[Second Mew] }Of course we do!{

[Fourth Mew] }Send out the Rock Buns! We meed that Mirabilis Gem!{

[The fifth Mew is looking a little bit woozy]

[Fifth Mew] }I'll believe that they'll succeed when I see it.{ [flies into a wall] }If you'll pardon the 'xpression.{

Bored by lack of security guards, Twinkle starts munching on cookies while looking at the handheld computer to try and figure out where he is. It suddenly beeps, notifying him of a spaceship in the nearby area, and pops off in a flash of cyan light to see if there is anything interesting to do there.

There is a flash of cyan light, and an odd-looking elf hurtles into the robot. "Ow!! I forgot the velocity compensation. Of course, a ship would be moving..." He glances down at what he landed on. "Oh, sorry... was that an important part of the ship?" the elf asks Link as he nervously glances around for a warning light.

[The Supreme Counter of Cookies is tickling his cat when a nervous security guard enters]

[guard] Um, your Evilness...

[The Supreme Counter of Cookies (henceforth referred to as SCC for brevity] What is it?

[guard] We appear to have had an intruder.

[SCC] Had? What do you mean?

[guard] He's been and then gone again.

[SCC] Well then he's nothing to worry about any more. Why do you disturb me?

[guard] He demolished your cookie pyramid, your Evilness.

[SCC is incensed. He stands up, the cat forgotten, and sinister music plays] What? He must be found, immediately!

[guard] He teleported on board the spaceship in orbit.

[SCC] Ah. One of those, is he? Increase the power to the tractor beams. I want to watch him burn in the atmosphere, and I don't care if I can't do it over dinner.

[guard] At once, your Evilness. [departs]

[SCC] Ah, cookie demolisher. Your fate is in my hands, now.

[dramatic music and camera shot of the Supreme Counter of Cookies' evil eyes and vengeful pose]

[commercial break]

[continues]
You may already have noticed the temporal displacements associated with my presence, which makes the gap between sentences seem to stretch out for hours if not days.

If this bloody drink doesn't arrive soon I may get "tetchy". Don't make me tetchy. You wouldn't like me when I'm tetchy.

Why, what happens when you're tetchy?
And how is it worse than how you are when you're drunk?