h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*enthusiastically* Roger Wilco 10 4!
*then looks daunted* How am I going to do that without zapping myself?

*the end of the antenna suddenly seems to explode away from Lil, and a moment later the sound of the bullet arrives*

*Billy drops his winchester from his shoulder as Tom and Charlie murmur with approval, and grins*

*They ride forward*

Scuse me ma'am, but I couldn't help overhearin. Who's the dee-ceased?

That isn't Elvis. I said at the beginning, I met him at the "Realm of the King" Bar & Grill. But it's okay if your character forgets that.


[YK] Affy, duck!

[Affy ducks and a large piece of machinery falls over, sending something heavy flying right through the spot where Affy's head had been before he had ducked]

[Link] Hey, what's that?

[He goes over to the heavy "something."]

*Affy is tinkering with the security monitor with one hand, and searching the piles of garbage with another. One hand removes a bundle of wires, and the other removes a large, but extremely rusty sword. Affy looks confused, because the sword was in the monitor and the wires were in the garbage. He shrugs and switches the two items, causing the monitor to turn back on for a moment. However, other than an imagined shadow right before the image became clear, there is nothing present*

Okay, nothing there now. It was probably just our imagination.

*Meanwhile, while Lil and Company are outside, looking at the remains of the signalling device, they don't notice a fairly large fishbowl silently float up from behind them. They don't notice, that is, until they find themselves being lifted up in the air and bound with psychic ropes of energy. They are turned just enough to see three very large goldfish staring at them with blank, empty eyes.

Inside, as everyone continues to root through the garbage, a figure silently steps out of the shadows and holds a gun to GL's neck. Everyone spins at the sound of an energy weapon being powered up, so they all jump about a foot to see a somewhat pale looking Minos Krylma*

Don't move, heroes. Garius probably wouldn't care to get his brain fried and his genes spliced. I'm just here for the secret cargo, you can have the rest of the ship. Unless my partner wants a bit extra, of course.

*KL looks at Affy*

If you would, please, hand over that mauve rod. I need it to get into the top security cargo holds. Oh, and just so you all know, Asteroid Lil and her friends are currently in a similar danger outside, so please waste no time lest my friend grows impatient.

Um, okay, but what's so special about this secret cargo? And are you absolutely sure that it's *this* rod that opens up the cargo holds?

[YK wanders in KL's direction, drawing attention to himself]

[YK] I mean, yeah, I knew you had a thing for music, but I didn't know you were an Elvis fan. I mean -- [stops in his tracks at a threatening look from KL]

[Navi flies above KL's head, turns a uniform shade of yellow, and stays there. A yellow "sights" appears around him. This does not directly harm him. It just makes Link less likely to miss him than the other way round, and it makes Navi privy to all possible ways Link can defeat KL, who knows all this.]

[Navi] {I'm stumped.}

[Link] D'oh.

*KL grins. He squeezes the trigger, and everyone sees GL wince with a sudden shock of pain*

Minos-That was damage level one.

*KL zips his tounge out, and hits a small dial on the gun, and the dial turns*

Minos-Now it's on damage level three. I believe that, knowing Garius' personal physical condition, and from knowledge of previous tests of this gun, he should be dead at damage level five. Six if he's perfectly calm and rested. I don't believe any of you want to risk that.

*Affy notices the monitor turned on, and gasps. The monitor shows a room filled with controls and buttons, not to mention two altogether familiar villains. First of all, Minos Krylma is sitting on some kind of chair, and holding his hands over the buttons, with strange waves of light emitting from them. The second villain is a very large goldfish in a fishbowl, resting on a pedestal*

Affy-The telepathic goldfish!

*Glances at the Minos holding the gun up to GL*

Affy-I thought there was something strange about you. You did look a tad pale. I mean, paler than usual. You're some kind of illusion, aren't you?

*The KL smiles, and pulls the trigger again, causing GL to spasm with pain. He moves the dial up to setting five, and sees the monitor*

Minos-Yes, good conclusion. I knew I should've smashed that thing after the first time. Anyway, yes, I am an illusion, but the real Minos knows everything that's going on in this room. He's controlling me from the Control room of this ship. And don't think I still can't harm you with this gun. After all, an illusion is focused light, right? Well, so is a lazer beam.

[Link] An illusion!

[Navi] {No wonder I couldn't get anything!}

[YK] Ladies and gentlemen, we're screwed.

[At that moment, there is a sudden massive explosion SFX which turns into a swath of piano and jazz noise. Cut to an exterior of KL's ship. A pink Infinite Improbability Drive ship shatters into orbit around Earth and dives straight for Roswell, accompanied by Rock & Roll music by ... you know who]

[Cut to where Lil is. The pink IID ship lands very fast and smoothly. The hatchway opens like a mouth, the ramp extends like a tongue, and the best singer in the Universe jumpa our of it]

[Elvis Presley] [for it is he] Oh yeah! 'Scuse me, Darlin', but I got the first half of that transmission. I been wondering where this ship's got to!

[Affy, from now on you can control Elvis's character]

*The Kid and his compadres, being ghosts in this context, disappeared as soon as the goldfish bowl appeared, leaving Lil in a spaghetti of psychic tethers*

*She stares at the fellow with the blue-black quiff*
Who's the dead guy then?

Erm, YK? Just so you know, I didn't use any of my ships to get here. For your benefit, I'll use this post to explain.


*Sees a total look of confusion on Affy's face at the sight of the other Krylma and the Telepathic Goldfish. He begins talking before the look can be turned into a time consuming question*

I'll fill you in on all of the backstory. You may or may have not noticed an absence of about four weeks that I've had from h2g2. I dissapeared because I realized I had allies out in the big, grand universe. So, I decided to first attempt to gain the trust of the most intelligent (and also one of the most insane) supervillains in the Galaxy. An eight year old human known on Earth as Mortimer McMire, but you probably know him better as The Grand Intellect, an IQ of 315 inside a spoiled rotten skull. His previous assaults against all that is good are many, but he is most famous for marooning superhero Billy Blaze on Mars, attempting to blow up Earth, attempting to kill Billy Blaze after he escaped, attempting to destroy the Oracle of Gnosticus Four, attempting to destroy the Milky Way, and attempting to have his sister eaten. I decided to locate him on Vorticon VI, a planet that he once controlled before Billy Blaze stepped in, and I thought I could pick up a lead as to where he was. I didn't find him then (although I've found him by now), but in a spaceport bar on Vorticon VI I couldn't help but notice some poor Vorticon holding up this fish bowl. I remembered the telepathic goldfish and went over to introduce myself.

The fish wanted revenge against you, Affy, for arresting him on your first case in h2g2. Because it was one of my agents who freed him, he granted me the benefit of the doubt and we joined forces. We returned to h2g2 just in time to find out about your little mission to Roswel (there was some time travelling involved), and we stowed away aboard the CLI Mini-UFO. I was afraid, at first, that your sensors might pick up the extra weight or life signs that the two of us gave off, but the fish had taught me enough of his art for me to make sure none of you noticed. Meanwhile, since I really can't afford for you to stick around and cause problems for me later,...

*The illusion whips out his tounge and snatches the mauve rod. He then vanishes, along with everything he was carrying. Moments later, a strange looking robot enters, armed with an impressive looking arsenal of guns, each aimed at our heroes. In several languages, the robot commands everyone to walk towards the south-eastern wall, where an exit will be behind the junk, so that they can enter the teleportation chamber that will take them all to the Control Room*

*Meanwhile, outside, the three illusionary goldfish look at Elvis in confusion for a moment, then wrap more psychic beams around him. They then begin to drag Lil and Elvis through the entrance to the ship, presumably to take them to the Control Room as well*


Do not worry about the deceased.
Those bones represent a mystery for another time.
Your present goal should be survival.

*GL sags with relief as the gun disappears from his neck. His brain starts to whirl as he strains to come up with a plan. The first thing he thinks of is that he had better put up a mind shield, if the psychic goldfish is around. Next, he looks around despirately for something useful, but only sees junk. As he passes a particularly large pile of junk he notices a half-empty (or was it half-full?) box of ball bearings. GL scoops a handful and puts it in his pocket. As he passes a mouse repair bay, he notices a rack of new drive belts. They are the size of large rubber bands and just as stretchy. GL pockets several.*

*As WM has had only sporadic time to spend on h2g2, she never entered the space craft. Therefore, she frantically scribbles notes into her PDA while KL makes his continuity speech. Then, she was apparently is herded by the robot to the teleportation chamber.*

Ah, you're the telepathic goldfish I heard about! All these adventures that have happened over the past year that I either never knew about or hadn't the time to look in on let alone get involved with because, well, have you ever heard of my nephew Mike A? He was Quorthon for a while and then he was Genocide Revised or maybe it was Revisited, I can't keep track of these things, how can a woman of a certain age follow all the maunderings of a 15 year old high spirited boy, why just the other day he told me he was in chemistry class and laughing and joking with his mates and the teacher told him to stop and instead he burst out giggling and got a detention, and I think the teacher's name was actually Mr. Penfold, can you believe it? Or maybe it was Penrose, anyway, *Lil is demonstrating her hitherto unknown secret weapon of mind-numbing chatter, gesturing this way and that with her hands from the wrist down, being otherwise rather tied up in psychic bonds*, anyway, all these adventures, as I was saying, well, I would love to have gotten involved and to have met you earlier but on top of everything else I've opened a stable and there are horses and gnus to take care of, yes, and then the beginner riders, which I have to admit I hadn't taken into account *the goldfish's eyes are beginning to glaze over* but will I'm sure be ever so rewarding not to mention getting the school horses out and about on the trails, which are suprisingly extensive considering this whole place is supposed to be an island, probably all the magic in the Oak Wood, and Moxon Wood too, now ~there's~ a place, have you been there? You really
*at this point Lil has managed to maneuver her hands close enough together to hit the OTHER stone on that ring Garius gave her, the stone he warned her not to press*

*There is a blinding light and a strange sucking sound*
*Lil and Elvis and WM are thrown backward as the psychic tethers explode around them, and as their eyes start to focus again they find themselves, not on the sand but lying against a bulkhead in the CLI UFO*
*the goldfish is nowhere to be seen*

By the way, where's Uncle Heavy?

Could someone please come up with a problem whereby the only solution involves using a small antigrav device? And where are we? Still in the junk room?

Lil, WM, and Elvis are on the bulkhead of the Mini-UFO, Uncle Heavy hasn't posted in for ever so I've no clue where he dissapeared to, the real Minos Krylma and Telepathic Goldfish were, as seen on the monitor, in the ship's control room, while the rest of us have been herded into some sort of passage that will lead directly to the Control Room.

Billy the Kid and his company have once again dissapeared, and will probably not reappear until Lil uses that coin she found again (I'm assuming that's how he keeps showing up, is that right?), all of the Area 51 people are at Area 51, Ampton declined making more than a cameo appearance at the beginning of this feature, and the robotic mouse is on cleaning duty again. At least, I believe that's where everyone is. As to a puzzle that can only be solved by using a small anti-grav device, I'll work on it, but I won't promise anything.


*The robot has led the heroes who were in the junk-filled room into what appears to be an elevator. The doors close, and the lift begins moving up, while the robot keeps a gun trained on everyone*

*Meanwhile, in the control room, the telepathic goldfish winced when his three illusionary minions were destroyed by Lil's creative use of the ring, but this is unimportant as it will do little more than give the fish a mild headache*

Lil - that post was superb! Lol.


*The elevator stops and the doors open. The heroes are herded out of the elevator, down a short corridor and into the control room. The control room is cavernous with blinking lights and buttons and levers and monitors and coloured slots stretching almost out of sight in both directions. These controls are grouped in clusters with a chair in front of each cluster. One cluster is labeled "main drive"; another is labelled "life support systems"; another is labelled "entertainment system". KL is seated in front of one labelled "security" and the goldfish bowl is resting on the console in front of him. The monitor at that station is displaying the plan of one level of the ship. Across most of the doorways on that level are red bars, presumably indicating locked doors.

GL has the inkling of the beginings of a tentative rudimentary plan, but decides to wait until KL plays his hand before unleashing it.


YK - I'm sure we can work in the anti-grav device somewhere

*pulls herself to her feet, looks around, and realises where she is*
*Elvis has also struggled off the floor and headed straight for the galley. He re-enters the passenger area holding a box of moebius doughnuts in one hand, eating a donut in the other. Lil pushes the communicate button on her ring but gets no response*

Well, ~that~ was a disconcerting experience. Goldfish are incredibly ugly when seen up close!

*The door to the cockpit opens and Ampton enters the passenger area, stopping dead at the sight of Elvis, who looks back at the little purple bot as he takes another bite of donut*
*Ampton goes down on one knee and bends his boomboxy head*

Ah. You two already know each other or what?

Ampton. Garius and Affi need help.

I assume Ampton was kneeling before The King.


[Elvis] Prolloby knows I'm The King, yur robot.