h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I can explain why Ampton was kneeling. Ampton, as those of you who were there when Ampton was still only seen in Joanna's Donut Stall will remember, is famed for his somewhat unpredictable break dancing.

And where would break dancing be without Elvis? While a careless robot at heart, Ampton puts a great deal of research into his interests, and knows that Elvis is worth some respect.

And now, back to the main story...


*Minos does not look up from the console, but continues gazing at the controls with his hands about four inches over them. He has a glazed expression in his eyes, mixed with a look of hard concentration and mild confusion. That look vanishes after a few moments, and the fish looks at a giant monitor, expectantly. Seconds later, the face of Minos appears on the Monitor*


Ha! I'm in!


*The monitor notices everyone who gathered in the room, and smiles*


Well well well, nice to see that you could all make it. At this point, resistance is, if you'll forgive the cliche, useless.

Thanks to a skill that the goldfish taught me, that is relatively useless to entities with no hands for some reason, I have mentally hacked this computer. I control it now.


*The mauve rod falls out of the now comatose physical KL's pocket, after the goldfish stares at the pocket for a moment*


You see, I want this secret cargo. It took some work, but I've found a few leads as to what it could do. We're talking about technology to rival that of the Asprainian Chip that you purchased from The Masque, Affy. Entire solar systems have vanished without a trace. There wasn't even a registered loss of gravitational pull or trace of some sort of space-shattering accident that could have done it. And I want this technology.

But, as you must already understand, it's very dangerous. Now, I was, at first, willing to undergo the risks myself, but I remembered you. You will use the rod to open the chamber and, thanks to the fact that I now control all of the ship's systems (once the security program is manageable, pretty much everything else goes along with it), I will be able to safely monitor all of your reading from here. Now, someone take the mauve rod, and this robot here (I think his name is Walts, or something) will guide you to the cargo hold. Do be careful, as this could be a very profitable win for me.

Elvis (to Ampton): Y'all git up now. *regards box of doughnuts with affection and starts eating another*

*Ampton rises with his hand on that part of his upper area where a heart would be if he weren't an android, a pose he holds for a moment before turning to Lil and cocking his head slightly*

Ampton, I am sure something is wrong. There was this goldfish -- *the purple bot twitches, then immediately turns and heads back to the cockpit* Well, I'm glad I don't have to explain further...

*Elvis takes a seat at a window and places the doughnut box on the seat next to him*

*Minos is enjoying himself. He has positioned several security cameras to be able to look into the room upon the opening of the door (for some reason, no cameras were inside the cargo hold), and is enjoying the ability to control all of the ship's electronics by though. He watches as the robot herds the heroes towards the cargo hold, and begins revving up the ship's engine, just in case he wants to try and fly it out. He thinks for a moment*

Now, this is an interesting change of pace. I'm used to switching to biological bodies. Perhaps those young upstarts were right about robotic bodies being the future of our clan's sciences.

*Thinks back to his past*

I wonder how things may have turned out differently...oh, well, no time for that now.

*Lil follows Ampton to the cockpit and takes the flight engineer seat so she can be in on whatever happens, leaving Witty Moniker to keep the King company*

*Ampton's fingers move quickly over the controls and the UFO comes immediately to life. Then he turns to Lil and gestures for her to give him Garius' ring, which she does. Ampton plugs the ring into a socket in the control panel, and adjusts some sliders. Suddenly the monitor springs to life and displays our heroes being herded along a corridor. Ampton fiddles and the scene telescopes backwards, outwards, then switches to infrared. Lil can see the entire Althian ship, even the parts under the sand.*

*Ampton then throws a heavy switch with a dymotape label just over it, reading TRACTOR BEAM. The image of the ship seems to quiver and shimmy as if in protest, then aligns itself with the UFO*

*Ampton now makes some adjustments to the port side panel, and there are several small thumps as the Millenium Bug is locked in on a small guidance beacon.

*In the passenger compartment there is the sound of a baritone voice lifting in song*

*With Ampton at the controls, the UFO rises and turns toward CLI, the Bug rocking like a large dinghy at its side. The Althian ship reluctantly leaves the ground, sand pouring off it*

*With a smooth surge of acceleration, the UFO heads upward, towing its unwilling salvage*

*Affy had just put the mauve rod into a slot by the cargo door when the Althian ship began to shake violently. This confused the robot just enough to allow him to use the gun he stole from the lab on it. Then he proceeds to shoot the security camera. A small light begins flashing on the gun, indicating that there aren't many shots left. Affy checks his wristwatch and grins*

Hey! We're moving! And so's the Mini-UFO! Ampton must be using the tractor beam to get us back to CLI!

Come on, let's get that cargo!

*Affy turns and runs into the cargo room, but stops when he sees what it is. A large black obsidian crystal is standing upright in the center of the room with many wires running from it into the wall, and many pieces of scientific analysis equipment aimed at it. But other than that, it looks very familiar*

Shades of Hal 9000...

[YK looks bemused for a minute and then his jaw drops]

[YK] No ... it can't be ...

[Link] [who doesn't recognize it at all] What?

*The computerized Minos saw, for just the briefest moment, what looked not unlike the Monolith from the classic Odyssey series. Then, of course, the Althian ship got caught in a tractor beam, and the camera was shot by Affy. He thinks for a moment, and uses the computer's outer cameras to see the ClI Mini-UFO pulling the Althian ship and the Millenium Bug along. He inwardly grins, and turns on the engines for the first time, and begins dragging the other two ships in the opposite direction*

I think I'll send this thing to Krylma Mountain for a proper analysis. Those two puny ships aren't much of a match for this kind of technology. Now if this were the Mangar or the Esirpretne, then I might be in some trouble, but the way it is, I'll be home in a few hours.

*KL opens a mental channel to the Telepathic Goldfish*

Go down there and figure out what they do. We don't want the solar system to softly and suddenly vanish away, or anything.

*The telepathic goldfish nods (by bobbing up and down a few times), and the fishbowl levitates and floats towards the cargo room*

*the singing stops and a moment later an irritable legend opens the door to the cockpit*

Gurl, y'all done forgot ~mah~ spaceship.

*even as he speaks, there is a shuddering as if a conventional winged aircraft had suddenly thrown up its spoilers. Ampton looks hard at the controls, then points at their erstwhile cargo, which is now beginning to pull them backward*

*Elvis puts down the nearly empty doughnut box and reaches over Ampton's shoulder* Do the dawg on a leash trick, son, and as soon as we git back thar, open the hatch.

*Ampton hesitates only a moment before turning off the tractor beam, flinging the UFO into a 180 and diving back toward the site of the dig, the streamlined bug hugging the side*

*Scant meters from the ground he pulls up and comes to a stop next to the pink spacecraft. Elvis, who has in the meantime made himself a roast beef sandwich, jumps out of the hatch*

Ampton, stay at the controls and do ready to help -- I have GOT to see the inside of that ship!

*And Lil scrambles out of the hatch and runs after the King, making it up the ramp just before the door begins to close*

*Elvis is striding down the corridor, talking with his mouth full* Hey, Grace!
[ship] Hi, honey.
[Elvis] This lady an' her party, they found mah luggage. 'S down thar tryin to get away agin. Put it in the hold, will ya?
[Grace] Sure thang, honey.

*And the pink top-of-the-line IID spaceship named Grace locks onto the huge Althian hulk and transports it improbably into the luggage compartment*

*Elvis finishes off his sandwich as he reaches a large set of sliding doors, and beams down at Lil*

Oh, and Grace, git those two little dinglebobs flyin around out thar too while yore at it.

Now then little lady, less go fer a rahd.


Consider the story line unified.

I'll consider it, but I apologize for the strange plot twist that I'm pretty sure will occur at least by tomorrow afternoon. After all, you don't get an Althian Cruiser, Starcross Technology, mind-melding with a ship's computer, a telepathic goldfish, Elvis, and the monolith from the Space Odyssey all together in a CLI mission without a few odd events preventing the story from ever getting to the end.


*Minos, who is seeing everything that the goldfish sees, thanks to a few of the mental tricks recently taught to him, sees everything that happens inside the room when the fish silently arrives, unnoticed to the heroes in the Cargo hold. Affy, always transfixed by rare and somewhat shiny objects, has already walked over to it, and put a hand to it. Instantly, several red warning lights go on, and the monolith starts to vibrate violently. Electric currents shoot from the peak of the stone artifact, hitting various objects and causing them to dissapear. This very thing happens to the telepathic goldfish, who softly and suddenly vanishes away, thus causing Minos to loose his visual link.

This doesn't take away the sense of impending doom he is experiencing either*


I've got a bad feeling about this...

Whoa! Lots of action yesterday!


*GL has been walking around the cargo hold, looking at the equipment hooked up to the monolith. He sits down at one console that appears to be the master console. He studies the equipment, then tentatively types at the keyboard. The screen starts scrolling backwards and revealing what has been previously shown on the screen.*

Looks like whoever was running this ship was trying to figure out what the monolith did, or how it works. They hadn't gotten far, it seems, because they were just setting up a long serries of hyperwave trials, sweeping through the complete range of epsilon frequencies. Sounds like a desperation measure to me.

*The screen scrolls backwards some more.*

They have found, however, that touching the thing starts its power-up sequence and that it doesn't seem to be functioning quite properly.

*The monolith begins to hum quietly.*

*the doors open to reveal a spacious bridge with several consoles, and a large Coke machine. There are about half a dozen crew, all of them dressed in white jumpsuits with crystal beads and with the same tonsurial style as their boss. All the seats are deeply upholstered in a leopard print shag, the control panels are lined with chrome, and a large pair of fuzzy dice dangle in front of the captain's chair, into which Elvis eases himself*

*Lil finds an empty chair and sits back as crew come over to the King one by one, either to report ship's status or bring refreshments*

[Elvis] Luggage is stowed. OK, sweetheart, where you wanna go?

[Lil]Somewhere improbable!

[Elvis] Hot damn! Grace, do what the lady said!

[Grace] OK, honey.

*Affy has been holding his watch up to the monolith ever since it began its electric-light-fish-vaporizing series of effects. He runs over to GL with some important news*

Erm, Garius? According to my watch, this thing is going to power up again. And based on a little of the info on the screen here, it looks like it'll keep powering up and down for quite some time. I think I can hypothesize why this ship has been abandoned.

This monolith either vaporizes things or teleports them elsewhere. During some of the final tests, I'd be willing to place a bet that every member of the ship's crew has either been sent elsewhere or vaporized. The good news is that we know it's going to happen. The bad news is that we've got no idea how to prevent it from continuing. There's no visible power supply, all of this equipment seems connected only for observation, destroying it could have catostrophic effects,...whatever Elvis' ship picked up all those years ago, it's completely dissapeared the crew, even more effectively than those guys at Area 51 can do it. The worse news is, we might very well be next.

*The monolith brightens up, and begins humming at a much higher pitch*

[YK] The obvious solution: let me go there.

[YK walks up to it. The Monolith seems to be powered enough. Mackenzie explains the Monolith to Link and Zelda.]

[YK] MY BOB! IT'S FULL OF STAARRRSSSS!

[He is out of existence at approximately three-eighths of the speed of light]

[YC] D'oh.

[YQ] I guess that solves whether it vaporizes things or teleports them. YK's a major character.

*WM suddenly realizes that only she and Ampton remain on board the CLI ship. A little rattled by the speed of recent events, she enters the flight deck and looks at the readouts.*

Ampton, would it be correct to say we are ~inside~ Elvis' ship? I think I'll stay here in case anyone needs anything from this ship.

If you have some down time, how about a game of gin rummy? *She pulls a fresh deck of playing cards out of one of her pockets and begins to shuffle.*

[YC] Oh no ... now what do we do??

[YQ] Don't panic.

[YC] [panicking] I'M NOT PANICKING!!!

*The humming gets louder and the monolith begins to shake. The vibrations increase in intensity until anything not bolted down is hopping around the floor. GL clings to the console to prevent his chair rolling across the room. Just when it seems like the ship will shake apart, there is a blinding white flash from the monolith and suddenly the room starts spinning and seems to become a tunnel. There are all sorts of cool psychedelic effects - black and white striped spirals, multiple paisleys, lava-lampish globs of oozing stuff, glow-in-the-dark amorphous shapes lit by a black light, etc. etc. At first GL is stunned, but then begins to enjoy the show. The shaking seems to have stopped and his chair drifts smoothly down the tunnel. GL looks back and can see some dim shapes tumbling along behind him. The closest one looks suspiciously Affy-shaped. After an amazing 5 minutes, the effects slowly diminish and the tunnel becomes plain blue. GL continues to drift, sitting in the swivel chair, until a white spot can be seen ahead. The white spot grows larger and brighter and GL realizes it is the end of the tunnel. The light is so bright that he has to close his eyes against the glare. His chair sofly lands and GL risks a peep. The light isn't so bad, so he opens his eyes. He finds himself in an empty room, about 20 feet square, with a hole in one wall and a bank of spot lights aimed at the hole. As he watches, the rest of the gang come out of the hole, one by one, with their eyes screwed shut. It seems that everyone has been sucked through the hole: Affy, Lil, Elvis, YK (and crew), Witty, Uncle Heavy (the monolith found him), KL and the Goldfish. It takes a few minutes for everyone to get their bearings. GL tries to enter the hole in the wall, but finds it impossible - it seems to be a one-way tunnel. Opposite the tunnel opening is a door. GL tries it, finds it unlocked and opens it. Through the doorway can be seen a rocky landscape lit by 3 moons.*

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Okay, Ampton, this is classic gin rummy, no wild...

*Stops in mid-shuffle, looks around, gets all wobbly-kneed and sits down crossed legged.*

That trip was something else! Does anybody know if we are in the same solar system we started out it?

Well, this is pretty improbable, Elvis, I got to give you credit, you really know how to please a girl.

Can we go back now?

[Elvis] Thank, y',darlin', but I didn't do this.

[YK] Well, that solves the problem of whether or not this teleports or vaporizes.

[YC] We already answered it in your absence.

[YK] D'OH!

[Link] I wonder how we can get out of here.

[Zelda] This is getting weirder by the minute. Even weirder than how "weird" is spelt!