h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Interesting. We've softly and suddenly vanished away. For the snark *was* a boojum, you see...

Guys, I think I know what happened to those solar systems that mysteriously vanished.

*Sees a plaque on the wall*


This is a test.
This is only a test.
Should you fail this test,
You will be stranded for all eternity,
Along with the rest of your solar system.

Had this been a real emergency,
You would have been in a situation
Much like this one.
Have a nice day.


*The plaque vanishes before Affy can point it out to anyone*

Countdown to Doom meets Starcross meets Q. Well, I've got no idea where we are. Let's find out, shall we?

*Affy walks to the door, and falls the five feet to the ground. It hadn't looked so far away when he was standing in the doorway*

I'm okay. Don't worry about me...

*The telepathic goldfish shakes his head. Quite a sight to see, really*

*GL also exits, but having noticed Affy's sudden drop just outside the door, he is prepared and jumps. He lands somewhat more lightly than expected.*

Well, it's got almost the same gravitational force. A bit less, actually. And we seem to be able to breathe the atmosphere.

*GL does a full 360 degree scan. The landscape is mostly rock and sand, although something like a forest can be seen off on the western horizon. To the east is a small lake, presumably of water. The only structure visible is the small building to the south that they just came out of. To the north are several needle-like protrusions above the horizon, but it is impossible to tell what they are. The 3 moons cast considerable light and it is not difficult to see. GL looks down at the sand at his feet and can see many sets of footprints leading away from the building in all directions. The footprints display an amazing range of size and shape.*

And it looks like we aren't the first to have this experience, either.

[YK] Ho hum. I wonder what these dudes would consider an "emergency" . . .

[He randomly picks what will eventually turn out to be the right direction and starts down it]

*Affy watches YK walking in place until the correct direction is decided upon. He checks his wristwatch and OmeGAuntlet. Since both are apparently in working condition, he surveys the scene*

Okay, odds are that, whichever path we take, it will, undoubtedly, be somehow important. I've been in a few similar situations (even if none of them were anything like the scale that this one is on), and in my experience, every direction will have some kind of importance. Let's see, a small building, a forest, a body of water, and several large pointy objects...

I opt for the things in the distance that we can't make out. Their structure doesn't look natural, so we might assume that people have, at some time or another, lived here. Granted, if some multi-dimensional entity is testing us for something, it'll probably be abandoned. However, people or not, we might be able to find some kind of technology or information that may prove invaluable for our little jaunt. The water could be a mirage, or not healthy for us to drink, and who knows what kind of monsters could be hiding in the forest. Even the trees could consider us a luncheon.

In a city (if indeed it is a city), there's less chance for wild enemies, seeing that at some point there must have been a few civilized minds behind its construction.

But that's just my opinion. Anyone else have some suggestions?

[Elvis] Morenlikely, there'd be a Coke machine in a city but not in the woods.

*Lil sighs and picks up a pair of large fuzzy dice that came through the recent experience along with the rest of them* I was fixin to enjoy an adventure that didn't involve hiking, but hey. *She pockets the plush souvenir, not hearing a tiny voice protesting "Hey, honey!"*

I'm with Affi. Because I don't like to be alone when I'm not on earth.

Let's say that, for the record, I did start walking off, and then Affy decides to follow not necessarily me but where I am going. Or he goes the wrong way at first and /doesn't/ follow me.

*Over Affi's com comes a crackle*
Er..hello? Affi? Where are you? I fell asleep in this spaceship thing, and when I woke up you had (perhaps) all gone! Where are you? What goes on? Could someone annotate the backlog please?

*The Krylma Leader snatches Affy's comm link, and switches it on*

Uncle Heavy, to make a long story short, everyone else in the story has fallen into what appears to be either a parallel dimension, or some kind of test created by an alien intelligence. We're currently debating which type of scenery we'd prefer to get lost in.

*KL turns to everyone*

I realize that my vote probably doesn't count, but I think we should head off for either the spires (keep in mind, it might not be a city), or that distant body of water. I've spent a lot of time in deserts, and I'm pretty sure that that isn't a marriage. Besides, you're right about us possibly finding some people by the spires, but chances are there will also be signs of civilization wherever water is.

*Thinks for a moment*

If Uncle Heavy can transmit messages to us, that must mean that the rift is still open on his side...perhaps...

*Turns back to the comm link*

UH, if you see a large black monolith, I'd suggest you avoid it. Or, you could get yourself thrown into the action by touching it, if you care to, but that may not be in your best interest.

*Affy snatches the comm link away, and glares at Minos*

Hey, I was online in time to respond, and you weren't. So there.

[YK is headed toward the spires, when suddenly the voice of John de Lance cuts into his mind]

[Q] [echoing voice-over] Hi.

[YK] [echoing voice-over] Eh? Who's that?

[Q appears in a burst of light]

[Q] Me.

[YK] Oh, it's you.

[Mackenzie] Did you put us here?

[Q] No. I got lost here too.

[YK] You can do that??

[Q] [sheepish grin] Hey, the powers behind the Monoliths are better than me.

[YK] Not that /that/ says very much. You aren't even as powerful as the ... er, who were they ... ?

[Q] That was when the Continuum turned me into an ordinary human!!

*Ampton taps Uncle Heavy on the shoulder, causing him to flinch massively. There is evidently some feature about the mini-UFO that prevented the monolith from sucking out its contents. After waiting for UH to recover his composure, Ampton signals that he wants to use the communication device*

*Meanwhile, Lil begins to feel her pocket growing uncomfortably warm. It's the pocket with the fuzzy dice. Even as she becomes aware of the sensation, the temperature escalates rapidly*

OW! ow ow ow ow ow!

*She hastily pulls the toy dice out of her pocket and throws them further than one would think the weight of fuzzy dice would allow. But almost immediately something begins to grow and envelop the dice. And in just a few minutes Grace stands before them in all her shiny pinkness. The hatch opens*
[Grace] Y'all come on in, y'heah?

Gentleman, I think we have a Klein bottle situation. If Elvis's luggage is still stowed, we definitely have a Klein bottle situation.

*brightens* But maybe now we don't have to hike?

*Thinks about the strange appearance of Grace. His eyes widen in shock*

I'd recommend not jumping in right now. Lemme show you a demonstration from Zork One.

*Pulls a bottle and a brown paper bag out of his pockets*


>Put bottle in bag. Put bag in bottle

THE BOTTLE IS IN THE BAG.
THE BAG IS IN THE BOTTLE

>Inventory

YOU ARE CARRYING NOTHING.


Two objects within each other can be bad. That's the kind of stuff that'll cause a dimension to get sucked inside itself. The good news is, that could destroy this place, the bad news is that we could get destroyed along with it. We could also create an irreparable rift in the space/time continuum of our own galaxy, thanks to the sudden loss of Grace and the Infinite Loop problem the ship's presenting. Going inside may not be disasterous, but we should probably weigh our options before entering.

*GL pops a stick of PAG (Prolonged Absence Gum - buy some at A490501) into his mouth. When he begins to chew, it completely fills his mouth, making it impossible for him to talk. Nevertheless, he follows the action around.*


Merry Christmas everyone. I won't be back until January. Have fun!

Well, but it's an infinite improbability drive ship. So I would suspect that going in there might not be disastrous, but it might be calamitously improbable...

[Elvis]
Baby I’d live deep in the jungle
And sleep up in a tree
And let the rest of the world go be
If you were there with me
Well I could love you all the time
Baby, a jungle would be fine
Anyplace is paradise
When I’m with you

Right, Affy. There is nothing an IID ship can't do, provided that you know just how improbable it is.

That's the part I'm worried about. Does anyone here care to work out exactly how improbable it is to be within something that's within something that's within something, that's within the original something? The odds would be...big. Granted, weirder stuff has happened, and I'm pretty sure that we've all survived weirder stuff than this at some time or another, but it's a risk we should be really, really, really careful about taking. I mean, does anyone think they can just psychically guess the factors?

*The telepathic goldfish begins bobbing up and down excitedly, causing several ripples in his metaphysical fish bowl*

Oh, what makes you think that you can...never mind. I suppose we could take the ship, but we should still be really cautious. After all, if we're really being tested for something, it wouldn't surprise me if this ship's been altered somehow.

[Elvis] Well Ah'm hungry. *walks up the gangway and out of sight*
[Grace] Doughnuts are bein' served on the bridge, hon.

*Lil watches the King board Grace. She is torn between Elvis's blithe assumption of normalcy and Affi's near-pathological caution*

Affi, what if we haven't actually gone anywhere? I mean just we as in this group. The monolith was inside Grace when it ... evented. If Grace is capable of providing a way onto herself, maybe that's just a way of getting out of the hold and we should be grateful we didn't turn into penguins. And furthermore, Uncle Heavy and Ampton didn't "event" with us (this group), but we might ~all~ have been taken somewhere not only monolithic but infinitely improbable.

And maybe we ought to be wondering where Grace actually is.

[YK] [calls back] Maybe the monolith made Grace dematerialize around it and if you go in, you won't find -- GAA!

[Q makes him and the others materialize next to Affy]

[YK] Don't do that!!

[Q] Sorry.

[YK] If we go in, we won't find the Monolith. I think the Monolith behaved as if it were outside Grace, only it moved its "spell" in all directions instead of just one.

There is another possibility. We may not necessarily be inside the monolith, as Lil said. We were obviously transported somewhere, but not necessarily to inside the monolith. So, if we go inside, we might still find the monolith, and activating it again would send us back to that weird building just about twelve yards behind us now. Or, perhaps Grace appearing here is just the beginning of our solar system vanishing away. In this second instance, I doubt that we'll find the monolith upon going back inside, because it will still be in our own solar system, zapping anything it feels like and sending it all here. But still, we don't know if it'll be safe, because...

*Elvis sticks his head out, and motions for everyone to come in and enjoy some donuts. Affy sighs*

Well, I guess that'll do for me.

*Affy cautiously steps into the ship, and goes to have some donuts*

*Lil follows Affi cos she's hungry too.*

Affi, wait till you see the bridge on this ship!

[Grace] Y'all turn left at the painting of Elvis on black velvet and follow the purple line on the left wall, now, y'heah?

[YK] Yes, I hear.

[Link, curious, turns RIGHT at the painting and follows a green line]