h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy runs downstairs from Lil's Atelier, carrying something very interesting. Affy has just been given a map that shows the location of the infamous Roswell crash, thanks to Lil (who had been on a brief trip to New Mexico recently). The crashed wreckage probably won't give CLI much in the way of new technologies, but the ship could very well contain treasures from other planets, and, if he could figure out which race of aliens owned the ship, he could sell it back to them at ridiculously expensive fees*

*Affy approaches one of the many mainframe computers at CLI*

Computer, show all Edited Guide Entries relating to Roswell, New Mexico.

*The computer thinks for a bit before spitting out some info that can be read at http://www.h2g2.com/A258644 for those who want to keep up with the action*

Very interesting...but this map doesn't show any weather balloon...this map shows a UFO.

*Glances at a picture on the wall. The picture shows where a UFO crashed near the H2G2 Beach, and created a very large Crater, from which this laboratory came into existence*

I wonder what kind of UFO it is...maybe it's time I throw the time machine back together.

Wonder it the UFO was from the same place as the UFO that made this crater. Since it crashed years ago, though, maybe it won't be as advanced. That is if it WAS from the same place. If it was from somewhere else, then it could have totally different stuff.

So, when do we leave? We should go in our own UFO, just to give the Roswellites (and all the tourists) something new to talk about. Of course, we should only give them glimpses of it

*Has an idea, grins wolfishly, and rushes off to a lab to build a crop writer for making crop circles.*

Okay, this is my thought process. This wreck has been here approximately forty years. The UFO that crashed and made The Crater was an Althian ship, that had two missions: disturbing Joanna, and ressuplying a peaceful colony that these guys have had on Earth for about thirty years.

Let's assume that this ship that crashed was just a freighter on a mission of discovery. In which case...

*Runs over to his computer*

Computer, search the Althian database for missing ships that would've gone missing between sixty-five and thirty years ago around Earth.

*A brief list of ships appear, most of them in the traditional saucer-shaped design. Affy looks over the descriptions of all of the ships, and, through a long process of trial and error, deduces which ship it must be. He goes over the records of this ship, and a huge grin creeps across his face*

Gary. This ship is worth a lot of dough. It was the first ship of its class, so it's technically considered a national treasure to the Althians, and there's a huge reward for just ten percent of it's remains, if they can be found. According to this map, at least eighty percent of the ship is still there. That would be a huge profit. Also, this ship was carrying a very, very, very large amount of valuables. It's got gold, silver, platinum, copper, lead, uranium, plutonium, bronze, and pretty much every other precious metal that you can mine on Earth. It was also carrying a fairly large amount of Althian money. Then there's the jewels that they were storing to use for barter when they got to the Rodentar system...and the cargo. The cargo was kept a secret for some reason.

*Looks over the report some more*

Okay, there's also one vague report of this ship surviving a battle against a pirate ship, where they could have easily plundered money from the pirate ship. Pirate ship generally store a decent amount of goods.

Oh, and it's also valuable because it was carrying a few really rich and famous music singers from Althia who were going to give free concerts to the people at the newly aquired base on Earth.

Garius? This ship is worth a lot. *AND WE'VE GOT THE ONLY MAP LEADING TO IT*!!!! Yee-HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Starts dancing and singing some old elvish party song*

*Comes in holding classified ad.*

Hi guys, I'm responding to the ad in Affy's parenthesis.

My last adventure seems to be winding up and I'd just as soon hang out with the good guys, anyway.

Got any openings left?

[YK, YC, YQ, Link, Nerfal, and Navi appear for no adequately explored reason]

[YK] We're coming! ... Also, expect another arrival later.

Welcome WM and YK! Nice to see you. This looks like it could be a very profitable mission.

*Looks over Affy's shoulder at the cargo list for the missing ship*

Hey! Check this out. One of the singers names was Elvisyxolynt Prexlyserar. Now why does that sound so familiar?

Would it be possible to join in this fascinating ufo mission?

I speck.

Sure, UH. BTW, welcome to CLI. Not seen you around here as often as some of the other people who show up from time to time.

*Affy is examining the map, and comparing it to various UFO sitings, info about the ship, and any other bits of info which could be remotely important. When he finishes this process, he runs to his room in the labs, and comes back about ten minutes later. He is no longer wearing his lab-coat, safety goggles, rubber gloves, and other unites of laboratory work. Instead, he is clad in his adventuring gear: blue vest and cape over a dark-grey shirt, dark-grey pants, fedora, sheath (with sword inside), leather boots and gloves, and a greedy look in his eyes. Ampton trails just slightly behind, carrying a few suitcases packled with scientific equipment that may be necessary for salvaging the ship. Affy turns to the waiting people*

Okay people, we're about to go on an adventure. I don't recommend wearing your best tux for this. Oh, and tell no one of this mission: there're a few spies lurking around CLI. I've found bugs, listening devices, nanni-cams, even a robot that tried to break into our weather-machine deparment. I think the robot was from STUMPED, because of the logo on its back, but all of the other devices were devoid of trademarked STUMPED qualities. These were too cleverly concealed for all but the best STUMPED agents, and I've got a good alliby for all of those. I'm suspecting the telepathic goldfish is on some kind of revenge mission, but don't know for sure.

*Uncle disappears into the toilets. He returns five minutes later and grey shirt. He has bandoliers wrapped all the way around his body. Two uzis sit in holsters at his sides.*

wasn't Crater Labs a front for STUMPED operations?

I'll be right back. I'm going to go change.

*Heads off, returns shortly wearing khaki cargo pants, khaki safari type jacket with lots of pockets, lace up work boots and a pith helmet. The pockets are filled with useful tools and a few snacks. Of course, she still has her tote bag with assorted needle work supplies. You never know when you might get a moment to relax.*

[YK] So, when do we go?

Sure, just as soon as I clarify one point of continuity for UH's benefit.

CLI was founded long before STUMPED was. It all started when I managed to let Joanna let me build a time machine in her stall. The machine kind of worked, but the first impressive thing it did was disturb a passing UFO's sensors causing it to crash. Then followed a long, confusing bout of holistic detecting, donut eating, alien fighting, and time travelling. In the end, the alien was arrested by my holistic detective agency, and because no one else claimed the crater (which still had a large amount of the UFO remains in it), I claimed the Crater. Originally, it was just a place for me to toy with my imaginations about science fiction, but it eventually became a huge buisiness managed by me, Garius Lupus, and sometimes by Ampton when we weren't around. The only reason STUMPED was *ever* allowed in here was because of the fact that he possessed me when he came from the TDANE universe. Because he had access to my voice prints, finger prints, and eye retinas, it wasn't long before he figured out all of the techie-goodies that he had at his disposal. Then he founded STUMPED, and the rest is history.

Boy, I love filling in people on exhaustive backstories! Okay, then. I'm ready. Oh, wait. I forgot one thing.

*Walks over to a case that says "In case of Adventure, break glass." Affy opens the case, takes the hammer inside, closes the case, breaks the glass, and takes out his sci-fi adventuring gear: his ever more impressive wristwatch, his OmeGauntlet, and a standard Snowzar. He walks back to the group of people waiting for the adventure to begin*

I know these aren't traditional adventuring tools, but this isn't going to be a traditional adventure. Now, how should we get to Roswell? I recommend we use one of the CLI UFOs, beause they're fastest, and could carry more cargo when we start the salvaging. But I'm open to other methods. Still, I'll go to the hangar and start warming up the vehicles.

[YK] We could take the Millenium Bug.

[YQ] It's the fastest hunk of junk in the Galaxy!

[YC] Hey!

[YQ] Yeah, I know, the Falcon is faster, but it's not in /this/ Galaxy!

[Navi] Hey!

[Link] Yeah?

[Navi] {We need to make a stop} [unintelligible] {to get} [unintelligible]

[Link] No, not in this forum we don't!

*Looks down at his usual outfit: a grey 19th century suit with blue silk cravat, top hat and 4-layer cloak. Checks the secret compartment in the hat and nods to himself. Discretely checks his ebony walking stick with the gold wolfs head top. Again, he nods to himself. Pulls his standard snowzar from it's concealed shoulder holster and checks its charge. Thinks about nodding, but decides he has had enough nodding for now.*

I think taking one of our UFO's would be fun. We'll be able to read about ourselves in the National Enquirer next week. And I finished installing the crop writer.

Sounds like a plan. So I gather we just wait here until Affy picks us up in the UFO?

*drums fingers*

This is a CHOPPERS service announcement. Would all heros report to http://www.h2g2.com/F47032?thread=82516&post=653535 where an important meeting is taking place. All members to arrive please. Thank you.

*The CLI Mini-UFO, hovering just a few inches above the ground, slowly and cautiously enters. Affy parks the UFO and jumps out of the cockpit window*

Okay, this thing has enough seats and leg-room for all of us, and enough cargo space for a decent amount of treasure. GL and I will ride in the cockpit, along with Ampton in the secondary seat. Everyone else, you have your option of seats.

*Affy re-enters the UFO, and waits for the others to board*