h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Thank you for the directions.

*Follows the directions, all the while humming the song "Velvet Elvis" to himself*

[Link eventually comes to a sort of engine room]

[Link] Hm. What's this?

[He walks up to a sort of box. There is a plaque on it with the words "Push button to disarm bomb" and an invitingly big red button. There is a timer on top of it counting down seconds; it has reached "10". Without hesitation Link pushes the button. The timer disappears inside it, a glass window moves over the button, and a brass egg with fins pops out of the top. Link starts with surprise]

[Bomb] [voice of John Cleese] The MegaScuttler is now armed and preparing to explode. This will be a fairly big explosion, so please stand back about twenty-two miles. Countdown commencing ... NOW. 1000 ... 999 ... 998 ...

[Link] Eep.

[runs out]

*Is examining the bridge, very amused*

Okay, now *this* is the dream of every scientist. Having this kind of technology, and lots of space to move around and enjoy it in! Okay, let's see where we are...

*Examines a viewer, and sees the surroundings*

Okay, hmm, this is interesting. I believe that from our previous discussions, we were going to go to the spires. So, let's go! Mr. Presley, you don't mind if we use your ship, do you?

*Elvis shakes his head as he sips some sort of carbonated beverage*

Okay, thanks. Computer, fly in the direction of those spires at about ten miles an hour.

*Turning back to everyone else*

After all, we don't want to waste all day in a desert, but we shouldn't move to fast; there might be some important clue that we could miss.

*A message on a computer begins blinking. It says, "MegaScuttler bomb activated. Have a nice day!*

A bomb's been activated? Who activated it?

*Looks around the scene. Notices that Link is missing (quite a feat considering how hard it can be to notice him even when Link *is* there.)*

Computer, can you give us a scan of whoever activated the bomb?

*The scan is given, in the form of a security camera's recording of Link pushing the button to activate the bomb*

Oh, dear. Okay, we've got a bomb situation on our hands. Let's see, what is it that I used to do in the lab when an explosion was iminent...

*Sighs, and quickly runs to the engine room, hoping that his watch still has the readouts for all of the old explosives he used to tinker with, so that he can find a match*

[Link rushes in]

[Link] THERE'S A BOMB!

[Zelda] We noticed.

[YK] Let's get over there.

[Jump cut to the engine room]

[Bomb] Eight hundred seventy-seven ... eight hundred seventy-six ... eight hundred seventy-five ...

[YK] Hello.

[Bomb] Eight hundred seventy-four -- Hi. -- Eight hundred seventy-three ... Eight hundred seventy-two ...

[YK] Any chance of you not exploding?

[Bomb] Eight hundred seventy-one -- No. -- Eight hundred seventy. Eight hundred sixty-nine ...

[YK] Drat. What's this? [opens a panel on the bomb, revealling a rack of 23 letters on giant wheels; "O" is visible on all of them]

[Bomb] Eight hundred si -- Oh, that's my disarming code.

[Link] What's that for?

[Bomb] [irritated] Disarming me.

[YK] How do we use it?

[Bomb] Look, you flip the wheels and when they arrange to form the correct phrase, I will disarm. Now, you've distracted me, and I've lost count. Recommencing countdown. One thousand ...

*Affy's watch has finished the scan revealing two ways to shut it off;the proper disarming code, and an extremely dangerous wire disconnecting opperation. While he'd prefer the dangerous one, Affy decides to go for the code, seeing as it's an interesting solution that shouldn't just be ignored*

Okay, watch, any guesses on what the correct code just might happen to be?

*The watch slowly begins loading a screen of what the most likely correct combination would be*

Okay, first square needs flipped, second is alright...watch, you're not printing this backwards, are you?

[Bomb] Now, when I reach zero, there may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them. I imagine you'd want to run away before that happens in ... oh, I've lost count again. Recommencing countdown. One thousand ...

[YK fiddles with it. The rack now reads, "NO MEANS NO MEANS NOOOO"]

[Bomb] Now, there are twenty-three characters with fifteen possibilities ON EACH, so that gives you about: Sixteen OCTILLION, eight hundred thirty-three septillion, two hundred eighty-nine sextillion, nine hundred ninety-six quintillion, twenty-eight quadrillion, two hundred thirty-five trillion, two hundred seventy-four billion, four hundred sixty-two million, eight hundred ninety thousand, six hundred ten possibilities.

[YK looks up] Did you COUNT them??

[Bomb] Yes. Anyway, you can either try all of them, which will take you until the heat death of the Universe, or you can try to figure it out by being clever, which ALSO won't help you seeing as nobody likes a smartass. I suggest you get away now, because you've got ... what was it? [short pause] Damn. Recommencing countdown! One thousand ...

You can't make me be clever if I don't want to be.

*Having an almost childlike trust in Affi's ability to master most technologies and dodge the rest, Lil remains on the bridge and watches the desert glide slowly by, while chewing on a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, still warm*

Elvis, this is completely fresh! Do you have a doughnut machine on board? I can't believe a matter replicator could -- what's that? Grace, can you back up a little?

[Grace] Sure, hon.

Have you got a viewcam that can enlarge -- ah, yes, magnify that.

[YK] Erm, I think there's a clue somewhere here.

[Bomb] Nine hundred ninety. No there isn't. Nine hundred eighty-nine, nine hundred eighty-eight...

*Wishing he'd purchased Starship Titanic while he had the chance*

This won't be easy. I'm better at Zork than I am at Planetfall...but then again, why am I reminded of Bureaucracy...never mind, Douglas Adams is the key.

*Affy comes to look at the squares*

Wait, which number do you keep stopping at again, computer?

*the viewcam blurs momentarily as it adjusts focus and resolution, then sharpens up again*

It's a... no it isn't. What an odd shape! Kind of metallic, reminds me of titanium, actually, those colours. Grace, is it dangerous?

[Grace] Not to me, hon.

Ah. *Elvis, in the meantime, is at ease in the captain's chair with a National guitar on his lap, picking out a melody, and Lil notices that the fuzzy dice are once again hanging at the central console*

Can you retrieve it and put it in a room with sensing equipment so that we can examine it later?

[Grace] Sure can.

Just out of curiosity, what are the fifteen choices on these things? That might help me out.

[Link] [flipping a wheel] A, B, D, E, I, K, L, M, N, O, R, S, T, Y, and blank.

[YK] Does that help?

Yes, very much so.


*The Krylma Leader, meanwhile, has decided that, since Affy and the clones and everyone else always seems to disable any bomb that he sets, they should have no trouble disarming this one without his help. He has instead started the examination of the strange metal thing*

My. This is interesting.

*He is looking over a few sheets of data that the computer has already discovered*

Hmmm, very mild radiation, probably nothing that we couldn't stand being exposed to. In fact,...this isn't even radiating as much as visible light. Not even as much as infra-red. Exact chemical structure unknown. And...gothic runing.

Computer, show me a scan of the gothic runing.

*A viewer screen pops up, revealing some very small letters*

Magnify. A bit more. A bit more...there! Hey, that appears to be Standard Galactic Alphabet. *Sigh* I knew I should've paid more attention to that particular series of runes when I was in school. Let's see, that first rune is a 'c', the last one is a 'c', the one after the first one is an 'r', as is the eighth one. Other than that, I've got no idea.

*Minos retrieves the peice of metal from the examination room. It isn't too heavy, and fits comfortably in his hand. No definite shape, although it *is* two-dimensional. He even quickly scans it with a pocket Thaumatugy-Detector, and discovers that it has little, if any, magical residue. He heads back to the bridge, convinced that it is, in fact, non-hazardous*

Hey. That's mine, I found it.

[Bomb] [annoying, wicked singsong] Nine hundred sixty. Nine hundred fifty-nine -- I'd give up if I were you, you're never going to do it! Sorry, am I making you lose your concentration? How do you think /I/ feel about that sort of thing?? Recommencing countdown. One thousand ... [continues under]

[YK] Hm. Something's odd.

[Link] Yeah. There's a bomb here.

[YK] No, really. I think that the bomb /said/ the solution.

[Zelda] But what was it?

[YK] If I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[Bomb] [cutting in] Hey, could you please be quiet? You're distracting me. Thank you. Recommencing countdown. One thousand ...

*GL, his mouth still full of PAG until January, turns the dials to read:

"Nine hundred fifty-nine"

He winks at Affy, who came up with the idea.*

That won't work. For one thing, there's no H.

Hey, you can't blame an IF fanatic for trying any ridiculously wild solution they think of first. My slogan is 'you've not enjoyed the game unless you've discovered every possible way to get killed.' Of course, that's not an option here, so...guess I'll just have to think about it. If only this were real time, *then* it might be easier to work on an idea as soon as I get it.


*Affy looks at the dials. He spins them to read 'NO RESTART BOMB OR ELSE', leaving a blank space at the end. He begins to hit the machine in frustration when that doesn't work. He flips through the Invisiclues booklet, but can't seem to find an entry. He tries 'Ctrl-Alt-Del', but screams at the total absence of the letter 'c' when he approaches the dials. Just for fun, he says 'xyzzy' and 'plugh' a few times. After convincing himself that the distant rumbles of thunder won't help him here, he flips through the instruction manual for the machine, which, of course, happens to be written in EBCDIC, the language that makes all true hackers flinch. Burning the book in disgust, he walks over to the bomb*


Oh, well, I guess we'd better give up then...


*He sneaks into the shadows for a bit, knowing very well that he won't get a response for this one other than annoyance, but decides to leave his posting hanging like this*


Yes, this is my standard method for puzzle solving in IF games. Sue me. The few times it actually works is definitely worth the multitude of annoying responses.


*Meanwhile, on the bridge, The Krylma Leader hands the strange metal device thing to Lil, explaining that he was merely examining it*

Thank you.

*looks at the object and sees lettering in Galactic alphabet*

"Creshtar Inc." Well I'll be coated in chocolate, it's an old Althian personal data device. Lesseee... Model B-30. Extremely obsolete. It must have been lying there for quite a while, because these went out when Omnithon went bankrupt. Now there was a recession. This thing could have lain out there for decades.