h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Lil wanders across a sign*


Lil, this is Affy. Exactly seven steps to the right is a rift in the space-time continuum. To safely pass through it, pick up the spell scroll I left there with the Yastard spell on it. Simply pick it up, and cast the spell at yourself if you wish to join us on the adventure. Then, take the next spell scroll you find when you get to backstage h2g2 (another Yastard spell) and cast it again to continue through.

Hope all goes well!

-Affy


*Meanwhile, in Zork, Affy has not drawn his sword, but has instead pulled some kind of candy bar out of his pocket. He waves it at the rat-ant, which smells the sugar, and turns to face Affy. Affy tosses the candy bar into a cage, and the rat-ant runs in to eat the candy. A crocodile eats both the rat-ant and the food*

I was hoping this would be a gullible rat-ant. Do you know I once stalled an entire army of mutated rat-ants from running loose on Zork by stalling them with just candy and a little bug spray? I think that adventure's still downloadable on a few Zork sites...

*Hears a noise that sounds like "HURUMPH!!!!", and spins around to see a loose Dorn Beast charging at him*

Oh...dear...RUN!!!!!

*Affy runs from the Dorn Beast, one of the most deadly of all Zorkish creatures. Affy also notices a few small probes attempting to analyze it, but he pulls them away*

Do you want to infect Tonks' computer with the only incurable computer virus in existence?? DO YOU??

*Affy continues running from the beast, who is aiming several of its eyes at him, several at Link, several at Saria, and several at a probe*

[Link Z-targets the beast, which he whacks with his sword, startling it]


Could you give me a list of all Zorkish beasts we're going to encounter, with descriptions? It will make the game easier to make. Of course, I'm spending the amount of time on a single graphic of Link standing as most people might take to create an entire game, so "if" is a more dominant question than "when".

*lil stops and considers the prospect, then sighs*
I'm definitely getting old. What I really want to do is snuggle down in the library with a book, while the fire burns comfortingly in the hearth. It must be a hobbit attack.

*On the off-chance that Affi has a way of inputting this, Lil gets out her stylus and writes "Thanks anyway but I'm tired. Will tell you about Violets later"*

*After a moment's thought, she pockets the scroll, then heads on back through the wood to CLI and home*

/* Zeppo , sensing that he is no match for the Dorn beast, decides in true puppy form to roll over on his back in submission.

The Dorn beast sinks its teeth into the flesh offered by Zeppo, but by some previous accident the most convenient biting point happens to be the plastic antlers, which are now pointing upward.

Zeppo decides submission is not the most appropriate action, and runs leaving the antlers in the surprised Dorn beasts mouth. */

[Link leaps up with his sword, and suddenly cut to a FF5 or FF6-style battle, with the Good Guys (Link, Affy, and Zeppo) on the left, the bad guys taking up the rest of the space, and statistics on the bottom of the screen. Link swings his sword, and a slashing cartoon-ish thing appears briefly on the Dorn Beast, and a 32 appears, indicating how much damage Link has just caused. Cut back to the real battle scene]

*In addition to the people on the left side of the 'screen', a bunch of probes appear as the result of a move made by one of the three people. One speaks out...*




*The Professor (who in RL has recieved Zelda2 for Chrimbo, but can't play it yet as the parents forgot to buy the Expansion Pak ) recieves the message from the probes, and begins to make back-ups of the Computer and the whole Big C Network into the Space Between Dimensions, which of course can't be infected, just incase any of the beasts does something to the probes and has it transmitted...*

It's not Zelda 2. It's Zelda 6. (There's four Zelda games that aren't for the N64: "The Legend of Zelda" for the NES(!), "Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link" also for the NES, "The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past" for SNES, and "TLoZ: Link's Awakening" for Gameboy and was remade for GBC.)

BTW, did I get my description of you right? I guessed that you were a blonde-haired young man in a lab coat. At least, that's how /I/ imagined it.

*Affy looks at the Dorn Beast in some trepidation*

Erm, guys? We may not want to attack it. Dorn Beasts, first of all, can look into other dimensions sometimes, and are pretty good at tracing movement wherever you go. Second of all, they don't attack like most monsters. The Dorn Beast can drain strength and endurance by just looking at you, and then covers you with sticky secretions that never, ever come off.

*Affy mumbles, while he reaches into his pockets again, depleting some more of his lunch. He pulls out several onions*

Fortunately, those 69 sensitive eyes are fairly easy to manipulate if you've got the right ingredients.

*Affy tosses one of his onions into the air, and slices it with his sword. The Dorn Beast's eyes begin to water, rendering it blind. Affy takes this opportunity to begin attacking*

Hit hard and fast! This'll only last for about three posts, and Dorn Beasts are some of the toughest monsters to conquer in all of Zork!


I'll send you the lists and descriptions of lots of Zorkish monsters that we might be facing off against, but I can't seem to find them with me. All I know is, don't bother making a graphic of a grue. Hmmm, you might be able to go to http://www.thezorklibrary.com for some info, but a lot of what they have is either out-dated or difficult to reach. If GL were still here, I could ask him what the URL for his "Infocom Info" page was, and that would tell you everything you needed to know, but I can't seem to locate it. In any event, I'll get to work on a list of descriptions for you.

Oh bloody hell. Due to your lack of recent postings, I guess we could say you did the onion trick before Link started attacking. Besides, how the hell do you WANT us to deal with it? Put a towel round our heads?

No, just attack it while it's blind. For the record, we can declare this one a pretty weak monster. Probably not enough to eat when there aren't many other loose monsters. Besides, what Link's attack did didn't necessarily break any rules about the Dorn Beast, it was just risky.


*Affy lands a dangerous blow on the Dorn Beast. It'll be able to see again by the end of the next post, but it's very weakened already*

Anyone care to finish it off? I just don't have the heart. I've already finished off two Dorn Beasts in my time, and it's not like they mean any real malice. Another hit or two should probably be enough to make it run away, anyway.

Oh, sorry, I meant to say Zelda64-2...

LOL! No, I'm not blond...
For a picture of me (albeit in B/W), head over to http://www.thebigc.barrysworld.net/alterlife/datafiles/lifeforms/file_tonks_1.jpg all the way up to file_tonks_5.jpg. As for colours, well, I have fair brown hair, blue eyes, erm...not too tall. Always wear a green jacket (not a labcoat ), blue jeans, grey t-shirt, and trainers.


*The probes fly down a bit, and hover in front of the Dorn Beast. Two of them hit it with club they suddenly materialise, and swing with their suddenly huge arms, mounting to two hits.*
*The Beast doesn't stir.*
*They hit it again, and it rolls over. Whether it's dead though is anyone's guess...*

Hm. Kinda like the Movementarian Leader from "The Simpsons"...


[Link swings his sword. Cut to the FF5 battle scene. The Dorn Beast turns into a white silhouette of itself and quickly fades to cyan to blue to black, all the while fading out of existence, to a "Ping!" noise. The characters jump up and down to the Victory Fanfare.]

Suddenly, and compleatly unexpectidly, the two probes revolve to face our beloved heros. A metalic voice echos "Kill all Monsters". I suppose that to alien races, humans are the monsters. "I propose we skedattle!" I announce, emerging from a conviently located London Telephone Booth. All rush inside as I close the door.
oO(Sliders vortex graphics)Oo
The Phone Booth appears, not to the supprise of any passerby, in an alcove near a quaint sidewalk cafe. A man in a black vest opens the door and is trampled by the rush of feet fleeing the probes.

Hm. Since the above post cannot POSSIBLY be accounted for logically, and since the probes were Chris's characters anyway, and since Chris is a HUMAN, U157243, the above post did not happen.

Agreed. Researcher 157243, please review concept of continuity at http://www.h2g2.com/A351866 . No personal flame intended, but it would be best if you gave yourself a name and reviewed the plot, which I admit is improbable but nonetheless has an inner logic. You ought to be involved for a while before implementing any wrenches to the story line.

But in case you can't be bothered, here's a quick rundown:

At the beginning of this forum, I stated that the character YK is not in this story at all and that Link, if anyone, is the main character. Link wandered into the Aroma Café, had himself a Usual*, and walked out again. Because of the fact that his faery Navi travels with him, he is invisible beyond three feet.

Anyway, Link walked into the Magick Forest. He was promptly attacked by a man-eating plant. Now, the forest is usually benevolent, so Link sent Navi to tell Lil about it. She came over and found that Link had already defeated the plant.

Next, a funky-looking character named Sagittarius walked over. I believe he had the body of an ape, the nose of an elephant, the hooves and legs of a goat, and the clothing of a marketing executive. This may not be consistent with the previous description, but it's his description now and for all intents and purpose always has been. Sagittarius explained that an insane Professor Kramer had come along and was setting up Anti-Magic fields in the Forest. So saying, he abruptly ran off.

Afgncaap5, also called Affy, came over and said that the source of the Rat-Ants (long story) was a Time Tunnel to a planet called Zork and that the being behind this was called Krill and his existence here could be really, really bad. Link then ran into Saria, who also has a faery. She had been transported here by an eddy in the space-time continuum. Anyway, now we're on Zork, having just defeated a Rat-Ant and a Dorn beast.

Also, Lil has wandered off on a side-quest of her own.

Not to mention that Violets ran off with some venus flytrap. Quite unlike her, really. Oh, and Lil is currently the proud owner of a Yastard spell scroll that I left behind.


*Affy continues looking around the darkness, contemplating his exits. The room is, as the previous examination described, some kind of zoo, containing several creatures ranging from the dangerously mysterious Grue to the placidly harmless Grotch. Even a small family of Hungi are living fairly well inside the only dimly lighted subteranean cave. There is a plaque on the wall, and exits to the north, southeast, and west. There is also a small roadsign here. Affy approaches the plaque and looks at it*

SHADES OF JACK ANTHRAX!!! Look at this!


This room and all of the creatures herein are property of the Warlock Krill, the most powerful evil tyrant in all of Zork. Should you be in this room, be very, very afraid, for these cages are not meant to keep the animals in, they are meant to keep them contently obedient. If overprovoked, the creatures could most likely break out of their cages and rip you to shreds.

Do not feed the grues.

Have a nice day!


*Affy ponders this*

If only I knew what year this was. With a time tunnel, I've no idea what this means. Krill's either come to h2g2 from the past, or he's somehow returned from Oblivion. If it's the former, we need to be careful not to create some kind of temporal paradox. If it's the latter, he's probably got defenses set up against the Guncho spell, which was probably the best bet for his destruction in any event. Let's see where we can go from here...


North - Treasure Chamber
Southeast - Observation Deck
West - Operations Room


Anyone care where we go? The treasure chamber might be a bit useful, but probably not too informative. The observation deck would probably be informative, although it might not be that useful. And the operations room would probably be both, but we'd have a worse chance of getting captured from the sound of it.

*A growl emerges from the darkness, and Affy senses what looks like an oversized black cat*

Lucksuckers. We should move fast, these things can be deadly. I don't recommend attacking it, either. It's not planted in the physical realm in the same way that we are.

*Affy begins to head west, but a stepladder emerges from the shadows*

Okay, let's try again, . . .

*Affy attempts to go southeast, but a spinning umbrella stalks in from that direction*

Third time's the charm,...

*He runs towards the treasure chamber, hoping that he can remember the best defensive spells against lucksuckers. However, when he reaches the treasure room, his jaw drops at the sight of the kind of treasure that a dragon might use for funiture, and there doesn't seem to be as much as a fairly warm gecko standing between him and the treasure*

Now, *this* is why I come on adventures...

[Link] [whistles] Sweet!

[He attempts to follow Affy. A thirty-nine and a half-foot pole with an image of the Grinch on it appears in his way]

[Link] Okay, let's try again, . . .

[He goes west and the stepladder emerges from the shadows]

[Link] Third time's the charm,...

[He goes southeastt and nothing gets in his way. Saria attempts to follow him and the spinning umbrella appears to her]

[Saria] Eep ...

[She goes west to the Operations Room, where she finds Krill, who can only see her because he's beyond five feet of her.]


Let's put Krill in the future, after he escaped from Oblivion, shall we? And after the Magic Inquisition.


[In the observation deck, Link sees the entire zoo area, as well as the treasure chamber with Affy in it and Krill in the Operations room. There is a fourth room on the screens, with a largeish machine in it. Link tries to pronounce the word painted on the side of the machine]

[Link] To -- totem -- /Totemizer/??

Alright, we'll use Jack Anthrax's depiction of Krill, not Dave Lebling's. BTW, you're underestimating Krill's magic,...


Oh, and just out of curiosity, what's the Grinch doing here? Never heard of that kind of Lucksucker.


*Affy continues to gape at the treasure for a few moments, before noticing some kind of receipt lying near a small heap of rubies. Affy looks over the receipt for just a moment, and blinks a few times when he reads it*

Oh, this explains everything. I need to get this back to h2g2...

*Meanwhile, in the operations room, Krill, clad in a robe so black and enveloping that only his piercing yellow eyes can be seen, noticed the faery, and sensed some other presence, although he can't quite place a mark on the exact location of it. He sighs*

Krill-Why must you adventurers insist on pestering me with your presence. Leave me be, charlatans, for you've no idea who you trifle with.

*The warlock makes a gesture, and some kind of flower blossoms in the middle of the room. The flower stands very still for a moment, before lunging, teeth bared, at the faery*

<>

The flower lunged across the room, rotating circles of teeth grinding away, as the fairy flits towards the ceiling. Saria (I believe it is she who is the fairy in this chamber) smartly flies above the ceiling fan. As the plant follows, it is shreeded into no more than a healthy, though evil, salad.

Krill sighs and pushes a button on the console nearest to him. Four soldiers enter the opperations room and form a human tower in an attempt to catch the fairy. What ever will she do?