h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You got a problem with N64 special effects?


*The probes transmit the conditional request for help to the Professor, who quickly goes to grab himself a cup of tea, and settles down at his monitoring equipment...*

*The probes then multiply again, and each one is assigned a person to follow. Not in a hostile way, you understand. Oh, and unnoticed by people without appropriate magical or technological equipment (i.e. not Link or Affy, but Affy's already protectec, and Link's got his fairy).*


Sorry, why do you spell fairy, faery? Is it an English-American difference, or is it the old, proper way of spelling it?
I'm just interested, that's all...

It's a different way of spelling faery. Besides, I equate "fairy" of that spelling with "pooftah."

And yes I've got a problem with N64 special effects. I've seen what a Gamecube can do.

Also, Link cannot be detected beyond about five feet. He's invisible visually because of his faery, and that extends to technology as well.

Exept of course for technology that is resistant to magic (i.e. mine), but your the good guy, so I'm not complaining...

*Wishes he could see more than just superly amazing screenshots of Gamecube's capabilities...*

/* Zeppo paws at the ground where the spider used to be, then runs over to Lil, begging. */

(well why not?)
It is unclear whether Zeppo can see the probes, since he has neither magic nor technology, nor is he a person.

In any case, it doesn't matter, because if he can see them he takes no notice unless they give off a scent of fried chicken.

Warning???????


Somehow I never come in in the middle of the action here, do I? I suppose it's nice to be protected (?) by ct's probe.

[C ]

Well, Lil, the good news is that I may have found Violet. The bad news is that Violet has not mutated into the plant that YK said she had, which means there's still some kind of monster plant running around. However, this may not be Violet. The DNA readouts aren't quite what I thought they would be, but she's changed quite a deal since the last time I saw her. And her genetic makeup can mutate sometimes, unlike ours. A very strange creature indeed, Violet is. Assuming that this is, in fact, Violet.

*Moves a bush aside, and two very large Venus Flytrap heads grin back at everyone from inside the wheeled barrel*

I'll have to check her DNA structure back at the lab, though.

It was Link who said it, stupid! YK's not here!


[Link sits down on a log and ponders what the plot might be. He's got some sort of inkling, but someone isn't revealling it to him]

*The Professor would also like to know exactly what's going on, as no one seems to have mentioned that evil scientist again yet...*

Violets!
*Lil tears the lid off the tupperware bowl and, ignoring the piteously begging Zeppo (who she believes will soon be snarfing down Christmas kuchen at the Crossed Purposes), feeds fistfuls of ground beef to both heads*

Why are you hiding in a cave? I thought you'd be out enjoying the marshy air. You'll weaken yourself if you don't keep up your chlorophyll.

Actually, Lil, Violet is a carnivorous plant. Much like a venus flytrap, she can get energy from food that she eats as well as sunlight. From her rapid growth over the last several months, it's not too much of a stretch of the imagination to see that she might be able to contain food if she overeats. She uses a portion to grow, but keeps some in reserve, just in case.

With that in mind, a cave would be a perfect place for Violet as long as there were some small animals in it, and she would take a few short strolls through the sunlight in the morning. A mouse here, a few small chipmunks there, etc. Still, why she would wish to live in the forest confuses me. She was originally brought up in a forest-environment, but it was nothing like the forest here.

But now that she's found, I need to go do some research near the old rat-ant nest. I've got a theory about that location. It's a strange place, and stuff happens there that just shouldn't happen.

*nods sagely*

Shall I take Violets back then? Violets, we can leave down on the lawn if you really want to move around, but please don't run away again. We've been worried about you. Look at that, you've got mushrooms growing in your barrel.

*On hearing that Affy is to visit the old nest, some probes zoom on ahead, while on the Station, Pr. C. Tonks directs special attention to the many entrances and exits to the rat-ants' previous base, as it were...*

Sagittarius badgered off after mentioning Kramer, and we've been distracted.

I've moved the music bit. http://www.thescifivine.com/~Ted_Lars/link/Woods.mid


[Link] I know! This is the entrance to a dungeon!

[He goes over and slices at the web obscuring the darker bit, revealling: a darker part of the tree!]

[Navi] {I see.}

[Link] Right, well let's go over to the Ratant Ex-Nest.

[He walks in Affy's direction and falls into a thirty-foot hole. Immediately, a young girl nearly falls out of a tree. One thing to be noticed about her is that she appears slightly younger than Link, and she has a faery flying about her, like Navi. Another is that she is wearing a tunic similar in design to Link's, and it's a marginally darker shade of green than his tunic. The most striking feature about her is that her hair is a marginally lighter shade of green than Link's tunic]

[Saria] Link!!

[Fade to Dylan and the book again]

[Dylan] Well, I assume this means you'll want an explaination. Well, Link was raised by the Kokiri, a curious race in the Lost Woods of Hyrule, consisting entirely of children. Saria was the girl you just saw, and she mostly cared for Link until he was ten, when he left the Lost Woods for the first time. Anyway, to make a long story short, she was transported here by an Eddy in the Space-Time Continuum, in the form of a velved paisley-covered Chesterfield sofa. Yes, you've heard of it before, and this was a counterpart that transported one through space, not time.

[Fade back to Saria]

ONE MORE POST tonight. The characters here don't know anything about what Dylan just said. It's just a narrative device.

*slumps next to Violets, who has hauled herself out of the cave and is looking in several directions*
Oh no, not Eddy again.

No one who is beyond five feet from Saria can see her. Same with Link.


[Saria] Link! You've fallen down a thirty-foot hole!

[Link] [from below] I noticed.

[Saria] Are you all right?

[Saria's faery] [very echoy. Only showing vowels indicates what everyone hears] ...uh ee oo i?...[short I]

[Link] [from below] I'm fine, I'm fine! Look, there's a ladder up there.

[SFX clatter of a rope ladder unrolling downward]

[Link] [coming closer] Ah ... [becomes visible] Saria. How did you get here?

[Saria] I dunno. I saw this chair ... er, couch ... er ...

[Link] Sofa?

[Saria] Er, I guess so.

[They head toward Affy]

[Link] You know, [gets within Affy's range of vision] there was something funny about that hole.

*Up on the Space Station, the Professor screams and kicks the console...*

Computer!! I told you to keep Eddies on hold on this planet!

[Sorry Sir, but the Majic Forest is playing havoc with my controlling devices. I have not yet been installed with a device to hold back magic during routine operations.]

Oh all right then...

What are they doing now?! Why Saria? Hmm, I've read about her in A History of Hyrulian History. One of those six, no, seven Sage people.
Dispatch a probe and follow her!

[Affirmative Sir.]

History? You must come from the future! This is only a year and a half after Link first drew the Master Sword -- not at least seven! Link knows she's one of the seven sages, but he's not telling anyone, particularly not /her/! It's not safe to know your own future. Er, the point is, Saria's just "one of the Kokiri" to any up-to-date History of Hyrule, which is currently being re-written by Ganondorf Dragmire's scribes.

Speaking of which, it will be screwed up in about two hundred years, saying "The Seven WISE MEN" in "Z: A Link to the Past" which is ridiculously inaccurate. Not that that says much. Shigeru Miyamoto got the chronology of the entire series wrong. (Shig's Timeline: "Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, original Legend of Zelda, Zelda 2, A Link to the Past. Link's Awakening can occur just about anywhen." The instruction booklet of Link's Awakening: "Shortly after A Link to the Past." The instruction booklet of A Link to the Past: "Several centuries before original Legend of Zelda.")

[gets off soapbox]

*The Professor has a look at the monitor displaying the decoded version of the happenings all over h2g2, in text, in the form of forum posts...*
*He spies what the last thing Link did meant in CONTINUITY terms, and replies...*

Yes, the book I was thinking of came from Dimension D;F, a stupid dimension which was terribly similar to ours, exept that it was a few years ahead of us. All the same...
Oh, I do have a record of some strange time-related anomalies I couldn't control, over an alternate Earth no doubt. Probably Hyrule itself, though I couldn't get down to have a look. I tell you, things were reaccuring all over the place! The whole world kept bobbing up and down the time scale, a terrible mess...