h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

/* Zeppo runs after Affy, sees the Cruel Puppet and attacks. The Cruel Puppet tries several comments none of which Zeppo understands, then resorts to repeatedly screaming "Bad doggy!"

It didn't work when d'Elaphant said it, and it still doesn't work when the Cruel Puppet says it. Zeppo chews the Cruel Puppet in two, then brings the head to Affy and drops it at his feet, thinking it is a tennis ball. */

*The Professor, who had emerged in the Magick Forest, and then through troubles in continuity wound back up in Zork with Affy, tries briefly to decifer all the things the Moogle said, disregarding the shouts of 'kupo' as even he can't work out their language himself...*

Oh, I get it! I'm supposed to defeat Krill before he gets to h2g2, am I?
Right then...erm...nope, I can only take care of the physical side of things, and Affy...
*...he points over to Affy who is currently facing a few monsters which he seems firmiliar with, so shouldn't take too long...*
...you'll have to sort out the magic.
Oh, and find him too - my sensors don't work in this Zork climate thingy...

*Was killed in a collapse of comprehension and now exists only in a state of confusion. Please don't try to explain it all to me again. Have fun! I'm retiring to the pub. Good luck with the Krill. If it shows up at Crossed Purposes, I'll call you.*

Krill is his NAME!

Er, Chris and Affy must work together against Krill.

BTW, Prof., I'm also myself in the Atelier.


*Affy notices the Cruel Puppet's head, gets an idea, and picks it up. He tosses it at the hellhound, hoping that the sight of a toy will revert it to the simple pleasurable instincts that domesticated hellhounds sometimes get. It doesn't work. However, Affy has just finished off the Snow Wight, and the Cruel Puppet is out of commission, leaving only the Hellhound. Affy delivers a several fast-paced crippling blows, causing the Hellhound to turn and run off into the shadows of the zoo*

All right! Any Zorkish monster, any time, any place!

*Several of the Orcs of Zork wander through the west passage. Affy retracts his previous statement, and runs through the eastern door. He quickly analyzes all of the maps, thinks for a bit, then begins running in the direction of the room with a Totemizer in it, seeing as that should be where any other machine is located*

Yeah, sorry Affy, I was wondering whether I should mention that...


*The Professor, virtually not knowing a thing about Zork, follows Affy just incase he comes across the machine...The Professor has a way with machines, being a scientist...*

[LINK'S PART]

[Link is lying flat on his back in the Magick Forest, having landed there after going through the aforementioned vortex.]

[Link] ... ugh ...

[He gets up, and rubs his back under the shield strapped to it]

[Link] I knew this would somehow be a mistake. Yeow.

[He manages to stand up. Failing that, he collapses and lands with the shield under him again]

[Link] Ow!

[He gets up, unstraps his shield, and drops it on the ground. He is still slightly wobbly, but he definitely can stand up]

[Link] Now what?

[He looks around. Behind him is a hill; a cave is between some boulders]

[Link] Wonder what's in here?

[He goes over to it and a Moogle appears in the opening. Its name is Mog]

[Mog] Kupo!

[Link jumps, falls backward, hits his head on a rock, and collapses, out cold.]

[Mog] Kupo? [calls out] Kupo!

[Three other Moogles, Moe, Meg and Mel appear out of the opening.]

[Meg] Kupo?

[Mel] Kupo?

[Moe] Kupo?

[Mog] [pointing at Link] Kupo!

[They climb over the rocks toward Link]

[Moogles] Kupo ... kupo kupo ... kupo [etc. ad lib]

[They surround him and attempt to pick him up. Finally, Meg, Mel, and Moe manage to drag him into the cave, Mog guiding them. He comes out a second later to retrieve Link's shield.]

*Affy enters the room with the Totemizer and gapes. He stares at a room filled with giant smashing hammers, bright puffs of smoke, acrid bursts of light, buzz saws, and many other items commonly found inside this kind of room. Across the gauntlet, to the northeast, is another room with more machinery, but conceivably less dangerous, aside from the fact that the Totemizer is most likely there. Affy recalls this bit of dark alchemy from the legends surrounding Krill's first defeat. Affy attempts to find a pattern in the machinery blocking his path. There isn't one. Grumbling, he flips open his spell book, and memorizes a spell. He aims at himself and at The Big C*

Exex!

*The two begin moving at a much greater speed. Affy zips across the room, barely dodging several slamming hammers, steam jets, whirling daggers, and acid drips. He runs into the next room, and looks around.

The room is filled with arcane machinery, the controls of which are written in some obscure runic language (possibly the Eastland Runes, for any other cave dwellers out there.) In the center of the room is a large, dragon of a machine, with several strange dials and lights, including an ominous looking lever located near a series of devices that lead into the 'mouth' of the machine. Standing on the other side of the room is Krill, who's back is turned to the main entryway, and is pushing several buttons on a strange looking dial. Affy waves for The Big C to hurry across*

/* Zeppo retrieves the puppet head and runs after Affy. He stops at the thumping hammers. */

Woof!

/* The puppet head rolls on the floor. */

[SARIA'S PART]

[Saria wakes up. She finds herself in a Spartan-feeling, small room, with no windows, no forms of comfort, and a locked door with a force field around it. In other words, this is most definitely a prison. She gets up and tries to open the door. Her hand hits the force field and she jumps back, shocked.]

[Saria] Hm. Is this magical ... or tech -- techno --

[Saria's Faery] {Technological?}


Chris, you aren't alone in wondering what the name of Saria's faery is.


[She tries a few basic spells, which according to her fairy will completely confuse all forms of technology. She tries some more advanced spells for countering magic. Eventually...]

[Saria] Open sesame.

[The force field goes down and the door opens. There is a hallway on the other side.]

[Saria] I did NOT expect that.

[Immediately, to ominous-sounding music, a bald man in a black lab coat enters. (played by Patrick Stewart)]

[Kramer] Greetings. I am Professor Gluten Kramer.

[Saria steps back, beginning to panic]

[Kramer] Do not be alarmed. I have nothing in store for you that will be /permanently/ harmful. [evil grin] At least, I don't believe they will.

[Here is someone whose mind is not merely twisted, it is actually sprained. Saria recognizes this, and uses Hyper Light on him. It has no effect whatsoever.]

[Kramer] By the way, magic won't harm me. That's part of my plan.

[Maniacal laughter]

Yes, a mystery of the Zelda series that may never be revealed. What do you think happed to here faery after she joined the sages? (not intending to reveal Saria's future...)


*On Affy's signal, the Professor runs quietly, and very quickly, across the room to where he is looking at Krill.*
*Chris looks at the machine from a distance, so's Krill won't notice them yet, and has a flick through the database on his Watch. No matches with past experiences are found...*

[LINK'S PART]

[Link wakes up in the Moogles' cave. He's on a bed sort of thing jutting out from a wall. An eerie glow fills the room]

[Link] ... ugh ...

[Navi] {Great! You're all right!}

[Link] I am? Oh good. [sits up]

[Navi] {The Moogles have been helpful. They healed the bruise on your back, and they left your sword and shield here.}

[Link] Moogles?

[He finds his sword and shield on the floor next to the bed. He picks them up, puts the shield on, and sheaths the sword. Mog enters.]

[Navi] {There's one. He's called Mog.}

[Mog] Kupo!

[Link] Uh? Oh. Hi.

[Mog] Kupo kupo! Kupo kupo kupo! Kupo!

[Link] [as if he doesn't mean it] I see.

[Navi] {He says that you took a tumble when he startled you and he's sorry.}

[Link] Apology accepted. What's all this about?

[Mog] Kupo kupo! [etc. ad lib]

[Navi] {He says that there's an anti-magic field around here somewhere. It's about a mile away in a straight line.}

[Link] And through the forest?

[Mog] Kupo, kupo kupo kupo [etc. ad lib]

[Navi] {Anywhere between an inch and a light-year.}

[Link] I see. How long have I been out?

[Navi] {An hour or two. I lost count, really.}

[Mog] Kupo kupo kupo.

[Navi] {Six ... kupos. I dunno.}

[SARIA'S PART]

[Saria is being led by seven guards to another room. She abruptly sends out a burst of energy that fries them on the spot, following which she runs like a lobster out of Belgium. Shot of her racing down one hall. She slips into a door; there are about seventy robotic guards there]

[Robots] There she is! Get her! [etc. ad lib]

[Saria] Eep.

[She races out. Cut to a security cam shot of her; pulll back revealling that the screen is being looked at by Kramer, who is sitting in a swivel chair]

[Computer] [voice by Majel Beret] Calculations complete.

[Kramer] Good. Can you give me a rough estimate as to how powerful she is?

[Computer] Yes. She has one-sixth the power necessary to counteract the Triforce of Power.

[Kramer fairly jumps]

[Kramer] WHAT!?

[Computer] She has one--

[Kramer] I know. I know. Hmm. [pause] We'll ned to push things ahead of schedule. [gets up]

*Let no one forget that one of the Professor's probes was following Saria, and managed to stay with her throughout this ordeal, Professor Kramer's technology being no match for Tonks'.*
*The probe is not fried by her blast, as it isn't harmed by magic at present, and uses the opportunity while Kramer doesn't notice him, to broadcast the location of Kramer's lab complex (or whatever this place is) to the Space Station, where it is logged for people to question...*

*Meanwhile, the Professor is unable to do anything but wait, as he doesn't usually fight magic-wielding people in cloaks, and so have to wait for Affy to make a move...*
*He does however quietly dispatch a few probes to try and get into the machine to look around in it...*

Er ... oh dear.

Chris, I hate to contradict a page you've got, but I'm afraid I'll have to get away with this, to further the plot along. Your probes ARE vulnerable to Delta energy, which is nothing like anything we've seen before.


[LINK'S PART]

[After walking through the forest for a while, during which time he fights everything from Rat-Ants to Deku-Jumanjai, accompanied by Mog, Link ends up at the tree where he fought the spider. Kramer is climbing out of the hole]

[Link] So the evil presence is around here?

[Mog] [nodding] Kupo! Kupo!

[Kramer] [into a comm unit on his watch] Any more news on the probes we detected?

[Watch] No, sir, but they do seem vulnerable to the Delta energy.

[Kramer] Good. Destroy them.

[The watch beeps]

[Kramer] Oh. Hello. Who might you be?

[Link] [happy-go-lucky attitude with which he greets all strangers] My name's Link. Who are /you/ supposed to be?

[Kramer] I am Professor Gluten Kramer.

[Link] [happy-go-lucky] Professor Kramer, eh? Then to answer my question, you're supposed to be an evil being who's set up anti-magic fields.

[Watch] Done.

[Kramer] Good. [to Link] Er, but actually I'm not.

[Mog] Kupo! Kupo kupo!

[Link] Huh?

[Navi] {He says that this guy has an anti-magic field around him. I agree.}

[Link] [suddenly coldly, not happy-go-lucky anymore] I gotcha.

[Kramer] I don't know what your faery said, but I assure you ...

[Link] Riiiiiiiiiiiight. [draws bow] Now step over there.

[Kramer does so, draws a blaster, and shoots Link with it. It bounces harmlessly off Link's shield, which appears to be a mirror on a black slab]

[Link] Good thing I had the Mirror Shield, or I'd be Goron fried!



[Kramer] [looking quite messed-up] Well, at least I'm finished here. [dematerializes]

[Link] Great! Now let's see what's at the bottom of this thirty-foot hole! [jumps in]

Don't worry, I suppose you can't have all my inventions everything-proof - it wouldn't be interesting...


*The Professor is quietly alerted by his Watch that a message is waiting for him. He signals to Affy that he has to go for a moment, and siddles out of the room...*
*He stops outside, and listens to the message from his Watch...*

{Sir, I've just recieved a report from the Space Station. Several of your probes have been destoyed by a (to them unknown) energy form. Dispatch new?}

What? My probes, MY PROBES were destoyed!? What sort of energy is this? Bring up the datatables gained from it...

{Affirmative Sir.}

*The Professor peruses the holoscreen that appears in front of him, and looks up, a curious look on his face...*

That's hyper-energy! Well, I call it that anyway, though other scientists usually call it Delta Energy. It can, with enough force, wreck some of my smaller inventions, such as probes. This is why probes can't use my Hyper-Movement Initiator technology to move fast, and can't move unprotected through hyperspace. Yet, anyway.
All I can do to stop this is to use an alternative probe, one that's bigger, and more suited to hyper-entities. Watch, dispatch half-the-number-of-probes-destroyed of PRB-Mk5.3, Delta Class, and have them fitted in the Probe Bays with all the stealth technology you can fit them with.

{Affirmative Sir. The Space Station has been notified, and Computer is initiating the task.}

Excellent...

*The Professor returns to the room with Affy in, where Krill is still fiddling with the blasted machine...*

Er, Chris? I guess I should have mentioned this earlier. Delta Energy was supposed to be completely unknown to everyone, but I guess you can know about /that/.

But, for the record: Kramer knows how to use a completely unknown form of power. Your probes can accidentally be partly immune to its effects, but it'll fry anything useful in them, okay?


[SARIA'S PART]

[Saria nearly enters a room, but she sees Kramer in it. He is looking slightly messed up]

[Kramer] Immune?

[Watch] Yes, sir.

[Kramer] Well, then let's try ... you-know-what.

[Watch] No I don't, sir. Oh, wait, never mind.

[Saria jumps in alarm as, once again, something totally unexpected zaps something invisible around her. This time, instead of exploding, the probes merely become visible and clatter to the floor. Kramer turns round and sees Saria]

[Kramer] Ah. THERE you are.

[Saria] I'm not going to make this easy!

[Kramer] Young lady, I have already told you: I am nearly immune to your magic abilities.

[Saria] I can still try!

[Kramer] I wouldn't advise that.


...in which Saria uses Deku Sticks to attack Kramer, and he is somewhat weak against them.


[Kramer] GAA! You haven't seen the last of me yet!

[He blasts Saria with a burst of magic energy. She has only enough time to see her faery disappear in a swirl of light and a telepathic squeal, and then everything fades to her]

*The Professor dashes back out of Krill's room (still waiting for Affy...) at the request of his Watch...*

Damn, damn, DAMN!!!
*...he screams in his head, as his Watch reports all systems down on more of his probes...*
Look, we'll have to...erm...no, that won't work. Well it will, but it'll take a while...

MorphaMet! It's used on the Station to replace weaponry. It flows through the walls, and flows out into any form I choose, and then becomes functional.
If I dispatch some of it in a transport to Earth, it'll be able, albeit very very slowly, to get back to Kramer's base, form into weaponry of some sort, and help out. And if it's destroyed, it simply reassembles itself! Excellent!

Watch, tell the Space Station to dispatch 20 tons of MorphaMet (a very light substance) to the Magick Forest immediately!

{Yes Sir.}


Why does every scientist love a good Watch eh?


*The Professor returns to Krill's room...*



The MorphaMet, now on Earth, will reach Kramer's base and assemble itself in 10 posts!
Or earlier if someone asks politely...

Okay, but Kramer uses something different. He uses neither magic nor technology. In fact, too much magic screws it up -- hence the Anti-Magic fields. But it can coexist easily with technology. Anyway, this power he uses can blast something to bits so thoroughly it won't leave even quarks intact, but for some reason Kramer has qualms about using it THAT far on life forms, because it drains him too much. Anyway, let's wait for Affy before anything else should happen.

/* Zeppo idly chews the puppet head while watching Chris and Affy on the other side of the room. He then rolls over on his back with the puppet head in his mouth, pawing at the air.

Suddenly Krill spots him.

Now Zeppo is cute. In fact, he is -->irresistably<-- cute. Absolutely no one can withstand a warm cuddly feeling when they lay eyes on him. Even Chris' probes occasionally swing close by to Zeppo at odd moments, analyzing the anti-bacterial properties of his slobber or the exact air-resistance level of his floppy ears and sending the data back to the ship's computer embedded in a stream of more important data, where the computer uses it to construct a Zeppo-based hologram-saver that kicks in when Chris is occupied with other things. But that's all beside the point.

Krill has seen Zeppo.

Krill is temporarily overcome, and pauses the machinery just long enough for Zeppo to run across the room. The machinery starts right back up again with its infernal drumming, and Zeppo curls up in a corner waiting for something to happen. */