h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Er, Zeppo... you WAY underestimate Krill's evil.

*Zeppo's movement did cause Krill to turn around, however (BTW, the dial that he's working at has no relation to the machinery that was going on. Your guess is as good as mine as to why it stopped), and saw Affy about to turn a lever on the giant machine, which is exactly what the original Totemizer looked like, for those of you who may be familiar with the latest official Zork game. Affy quickly ducks behind the machine to avoid any magic blasts, but KL ignores him and turns back to the dial, muttering to himself. Affy finds this odd behavior from a villain who has attempted to do him in on at least three seperate occasions, and casually steps out*

Erm, Krill?

*The dark warlock turns his head to look at Affy and sighs*

Krill-If you don't leave immediately, you will be destroyed. If you try to stop me, you'll be destroyed a lot faster. The entire Universe is in danger, and you won't stop me from saving it!

*Krill turns back to the controls and begins fiddling with them some more. Affy notices the teleportation dial on the Totemizer, and absentmindedly alters it to read "Magic Forest", before approaching Krill*

Affy-Why's the universe going to be destroyed? What are you up to?

Krill-I'm trying to save all of our hides, scum. Leave me now, Charlatan, lest you too die at the hands of the ultimate destructive power!

*Affy digests this for a moment, and pulls out his receipt*

Affy-This receipt, Krill. Let me guess: this is the receipt of payment that Minos sent you when you wanted the Mission of the Mangar to fail, isn't it?

*Krill growls a bit, but nods his head*

Would I be correct in assuming that the Time Tunnel was his idea?

*Krill nods his head again, and speaks*

Krill-As part of the deal, he sent me the treasure, and I sent him monsters. But the demands of time tunnel maintenance, and constantly sending new monsters through the tunnel grew fairly strong and I wanted to end it. So I encrypted a sub spell in the main spell, causing the tunnel to eventually grow to such a form that it could no longer be easily contained, and therefore would need to be destroyed. However, I made a slight miscalculation in the growth spell. If I don't halt it, it will collapse into a temporal black hole, and drain the entire Universe. Now, you know how bad a regular black hole can be. Do you remember the effects of a time tunnel on matter?

*Affy thinks about this for a moment, his eyes widen, and he slowly back away*

Affy-Can I help?

*KL looks at Affy for a moment before chuckling a bit and turning back to the controls*

Or you WAY underestimate Zeppo's -->absolutely infinite<-- irresistible cuteness. There is no defense against it, magical, technical or otherwise. Fortunately he only uses it for good and dog biscuits.

Okay.

And Affy? Why do you call him KL? And don't tell me Krill's gonna join!! Who will the boss be? The Time Tunnel, like I suggested?

And, Chris? Saria isn't at Kramer's base anymore.


[LINK'S PART]

[Link ducks behind a dirt column. They are underground and have been for several hours, attacked by huge spiders, rat-ants, and the odd Deku Baba at every turn. Spiderwebs adorn all the walls]

[Link] Spiders, Rat-Ants, and at every opportunity Deku-Babas!

[Mog] Kupo!

[Navi] {Where next?}

[Link] Dunno. Thataway.

[He slips through a smaller passageway. On the other side is -- quite literally -- the mother of all spiders]

[Link] Okay, maybe not.

[Spidarach] Oh no you don't!

[It blasts a web over the hole. Mog barely makes it in on time]

[Link] Yowza!

[Spidarach] Now you die!

[Boss battle...]

Sorry, Affy, I know that in this case KL mean Krill, but usually KL means Minos, the Krylma Leader, and he isn't hear as far as I can tell...

Oh, and YK - alright, so this is an as-yet unidentfied type of energy, granted, but I'm not going to give up easily!
I know you people hate this thing, but my VR Proof Article at A432460 has stated for some time, under point 10.2.7 that my Watch has an in-built 'Alternate non-Physical/Energy Identifier/Manipulator', which would allow my technology, albeit not my probes yet, to adapt to this energy of Kramer's. The specs on the 'An-P/EI/M' can be found at point 11.6 for your convenience...


*The Professor is of course a little cheesed-off. Affy has made verbal contact with Krill now, but the evil mastermind has not yet noticed, or at least taken any interest in him...*
*He clears his throat...*
*Though Affy made a slight movement of the head, Krill continues to ignore him...*
*The Professor does not like being ignored at all, especially by people he's supposed to be fighting.*

Er, excuse me, but I think this has your name written on it in universal lettering! *...he shouts, as he stoops voluntarily to his knees and fires a bolt of Ion Charger at Krill.*

*Finally, Krill moves. He turns around, mutters something about non-magic folk, and shoots out another of those damned slimy blobs, right at Pr. C. Tonks...*

Argh...!

*The Professor flies backwards on his back, and rubs his already healing (thanks to his Watch) arm. Krill had blasted him, but Chris' anti-magic defense only managed to weaken it so's not to burn a great big hole in him. His normal forceshield did nothing of course...*
*He gets up, takes a few steps back, Krill looking on quite amused to some extent, opens a portal to the Space Station, and steps through shouting back...*

I don't give up that easily, boy!!

*He's gone...for now...*

¡Ay de mi!

What the...?!?!

Spanish for "Oh, my!"

Now, the problem with having a page like the one you mentioned earlier is that I can't be bothered to look at it, and therefore I won't. Sorry, but the web's like that. Sure, you can set up all the rules you like for dealing with yourself, but if people don't want to look at the page you've put all 11,000 rules on, then you haven't a whelk's chance in a supernova of getting them to.


[SARIA'S PART]

[Saria finds herself in a strange area, seemingly consisting entirely of bizarre blue light. She turns and sees the same kind of light, only green, off in the distance. She moves toward it. When she finally gets close enough to it, she is pulled in and starts falling down it. Several spheres of light attack her. She deflects them more or less easily. Finally, an orange one attacks her. This takes a bit longer, but eventually it explodes. Saria absorbs the explosion, and suddenly she feels lightheaded. She decides to relax, and does so. She falls asleep and the energy is released. I'll deal with that when the time comes.]


Say, Affy. When you get back to the Forest, go to the Pond/Ratant Nest. I've finally decided what the periscope was.

*Affy is staring at the place where the Time Tunnel Krill created was, and slowly turns to look at the Professor. For some odd reason, his eyes are glowing red. There is a small explosion of light, and all biological entities, Affy and Tonks included wake up about two minutes later. Affy tries to shake away the headache, and looks around, the red glow in his eyes gone*

Sorry 'bout that. But that's the second time today that he's gotten away. I almost had 'im, too. You can't attack Krill with him knowing it, unless you've got the Guncho spell tucked away somewhere (and I'd be willing to bet he's made certain precautions to avoid that from ever happening again), and everytime a conceivable threat appears, he lands a blow to it, and makes a getaway. I don't want to know what he's doing on your the station. He's not the world's biggest technical Numdum, after all. That would be Mir Yannik, another villain we've had the fortune not to meet.

In any event, I got a bit frustrated that he got away again, which is why I blasted the countryside. Sorry.

*Affy turns back to the place where the Time Tunnel was, but can't reopen it. He checks his Mirror Setting, and sees that the Time Tunnel entrance in the Zoo is gone. He isn't sure, but would be willing to bet that any magical, technological, or alchemical attempt to escape from this underground complex would be fairly futile. But, being aware of the rules governing computer villains, he looks for the one last conceivable escape route, and finds it*

Aha! The Totemizer!

*He runs to the Totemizer, double checking the schematics of it on his watch, and he turns a large wheel, which causes a green light to turn off. He pulls a lever, and the 'mouth' of the Totemizer opens. He turns to Tonks*

Come on, this'lll get us out. Normally, it would forever imprison us in flat disks made out of base metals while sending us to some place where we would be tormented or bored for a few eons, but I've turned off the PermaSeal, and altered the teleportation setting to The Magic Forest in h2g2. Without the PermaSeal on, we'll be out of those disks in about, oh, two minutes. I'm putting money on the fact that the time lapse of a Time Tunnel and the teleportation to the Magic Forest would be just enough that we could get to the Station in time to stop Krill from whatever he's going to do.

Although, I'm not sure if we'd want to stop him. After all, the Universe may very well be destroyed, and it will be easier for him to deactivate the Time Tunnel than for someone who wasn't involved in its creation. But I've got a feeling that he's going to need a little 'convincing', if you get my drift.

*Affy takes a deep breath and, in a burst of color resembling the boat ride from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, he enters the Totemizer. Immediately following this are several grunts of slight pain from Affy as he is squished, pounded, and flattened. Then, there is a moment of silence, and a small flat metal disk (bearing Affy's name and a picture of himself) fall from the end of the Totemizer onto a ramp that leads into the ground. A few moments and several million light years later, the disk falls onto the ground in the Magic Forest, and Affy is reverted to normal stature a few moments of waiting after that. Somewhat dizzy, Affy waits for Tonks to show up*


Well, we could use the Time Tunnel as the enemy, but only if you were fighting it with specially designed Frobozz Magic Anti-Spell Residue containers, but I've got a hunch that Krill should have a few of those handy. Fighting the Time Tunnel would be akin to, oh, I don't know, Sonic The Hedgehog fighting The Zone Of Silence in the Archie Comics continuity.

Okay, /any/ boss!

Just go to the RatAnt Pond.

Be that as it may, YK, the Proof Article is there for what it stand for - proof. You don't have to go and see it, it's merely there so's I can say 'I told you so' to anyone who wants to contradict me...

*Meanwhile, in RL, Chris is seriously ROFL...*

No, no, no! Oh my goodness! Affy, when I made that post, I meant that *the Professor* had gone to the Space Station, not Krill!

*More laughing...*

Oh deary me, this changes it a bit doesn't it?
Well, OK, because you constructed that nice big post, let's say he did escape to my Space Station, and I've just followed you through to the Magick Forest. I'm now of course going to teleport us up there...
My, this is a change of events isn't it? Good plot-twist though - magical enemies on my Station...hmmm....

*Laughs...*


*For some reason, the Professor appears next to Affy laughing, probably due to his RL self doing something or other...*
*All the same, he straightens himself up, and look at Affy...*

Right then, he's got to my Station. Well, I say he has, but that's only an assumption, as I do have the best anti-magic defenses possible at my present technological level.
I supose we'd better get up there - Computer's proabaly firing on him unsuccessfully already!

*The Professor gives Affy the coorsinates and codes, and they both teleport to the Space Station via their own Watches...*
*They now find themselves in a darkened corridor, which is odd, because all corridors are lit all the time...*

This must be where Krill appeared - he must have zapped the lights!
Computer, replace!!

[Yes Sir. Sir, we are having tremendous trouble keeping an unidentifiable subject out of the Laboratories, all levels, and the Residential Areas.]

*The Professor turns to Affy to explain.*

OK, here's the deal - we're currently in the Restriced Areas, which comprise most of the Station. You're very lucky to be here, as only I have ever wondered this place before.
The Rsidential Areas are near the middle of the Station, and are full of innocent people! The Quaternary Labs aren't existing right now in their temporal vortex, but the Tertiary, Secondary, and most importantly, the Primary Labs are still operational! If Krill gets into the PrimLabs, all my inventions are in danger!
Argh! The DMbP!! Computer, make sure all security measures are in place over the DmbP's room - if I lose my Dimensional Technology, I won't be able to get to the Space Between Dimensions!

Ok then Affy, let's go. We'd best head up to the security room first, where I'll monitor Krill's progress through the Station, but if you have any other ideas, do say...

GAAAA! Er, BigC, Affy materialized in the forest under totemization. His big post describes it.

So, what do you say we begin again from BigC's post where he described himself escaping to the Station? I'm already spending as much time on one map as most people take to create an entire game, so I frankly have enough zarking maps to deal with without making your Space Station.

[takes out a detergent bottle labeled Continuity Bleach] I'll use this to mop up any stains in the Continuity Continuum. Just give the word.

Erm, I know Affy materialised in the Forest - I I appeare dthere too, and then teleported with him to the Station...

Right, now then, whew, this is going to be one momma of an operation!
OK then, let's say that Affy is still with Krill in the Totemiser room, and *I've* just opened a portal to my Space Station.
I am now there.

Hang on, what's all this about maps? Do you mean maps in your head, or 3D maps as in the h2g2 Realisation Project? If it's the latter, don't worry - I'm already taking care of the Space Station for that. If it's the first type of map you're thinking of, well, only I can describe what it's like.


*The Professor arrives on the Space Station...*
*Yep, that's all...*

And I'll just forget about the dark tunnel I saw in the restricted area of your station. After all, I wasn't there, the continuity error was my fault, and I wouldn't want anyone to remember anything if they went into the back rooms of the main CLI building. Not that I saw anything worth mentioning, of course.


*Meanwhile, Krill has also dissapeared, taking the entrances to the time tunnels with him. Affy frowns, and goes through all of the usual procedures, including reapearing in the Magic Forest via the old Totemizer routine. He checked where Krill was departing to, and found that, oddly enough, he was in the Magic Forest. Affy begins searching the surrounding area for signs of the sinister entity that, other than Jeearr, the Nemesis, and Mir Yannik, is unrivalled, infamy wise, in Zork. Affy eventually finds himself standing by the pool of water that YK seems so anctious to get him to, and Affy draws his sword to see if it's warning him of danger, just in case of a fight with some kind of mechanical boss*

/* Zeppo whimpers at finding himself alone in Zork. He has no chance of operating the totemizer, what without having any hands and all.

He abandons the now tattered puppet head, and heads east, then southeast, then west.

Zeppo is in a series of twisty passages, all alike. */

[A periscope promptly pops out of the water. Pan downwards to reveal that it is being held by a purple octopus-like creature with yellow eyes (red pupils) and yellow teeth. Its name us Ultros. Er, the URL below is supposed to be him, but it isn't goofy enough.]

http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Fortress/5741/beavis.jpg

[Ultros's Brain] D'oh! He saw me!

[Ultros pops out of the water]

[Ultros] Put your hands up right now!! Any false moves and I will ... I will ... send you ... someplace. Er, take that!

[He smacks Affy in the face with one of his tentacles. It's time for a Specialized Boss Battle.]

http://www.thescifivine.com/~Ted_Lars/link/Ultros.mid

*Affy's sword, as it turns out, was, in fact, glowing blue. Affy jumps out of tentacle reach, enters a defensive stance, and carefully watches Ultros*

I don't want to harm you if I can help it. Cease this pointless fighting, and I won't be forced to harm you, and I won't receive any similar punishment. But just to show you that I'm not entirely bluffing,...

*Thanks to the not quite worn off effects of the exex spell, Affy is able to quickly zip in and out of range of the amazing looking entity, and delivers several superficial blows. He once more jumps out of range, and resumes his defensive stance*

That was a warning. I'd rather not continue, if you don't mind, but I will if I must. Unless you're guarding a valuable quest object, in which case, do continue. I'd hate to see any guardian monster just give up. But otherwise, allow me to continue in peace. The entire forest is being terrorized by two mad geniuses. And that's not counting me.

[Ultros] Shoot.

[Sagittarius] Wait!

[Ultros] Uh-oh.

[Sagittarius runs in]

[Sagittarius] Affy! That is Ultros! He's in Final Fantasy VI and he's got some nasty stuff he can do!

[Ultros] Ya got that right! [puts on a top hat and lifts up a large wooden mallet] I'm a boss-for-the-sake-of-having-a-boss! You'll not get away from THIS!

http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Fortress/5741/mallet.jpg

*Affy sighs*

Oh, very well. But don't get your hopes up: I'm one of the good guys, after all.

*Affy continues diving in and out of range of the mallet and tentacles, delivering blows with his sword whenever possible. He considers using the Vaxum spell ("Makes a hostile creature your friend"), but decides that it wouldn't be very friendly of him to not engage in the combat that the suicidal pseudo-kraken wants*

So, what career were you in before you became a monster bent on the destruction of carefully laid plans?

*Affy sighs*

Oh, very well. But don't get your hopes up: I'm one of the good guys, after all.

*Affy continues diving in and out of range of the mallet and tentacles, delivering blows with his sword whenever possible. He considers using the Vaxum spell ("Makes a hostile creature your friend"), but decides that it wouldn't be very friendly of him to not engage in the combat that the suicidal pseudo-kraken wants*

So, what career were you in before you became a monster bent on the destruction of carefully laid plans?