h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy is getting fairly bored*

Fine, be a looser monster for the rest of your life. Don't say I didn't try to help you.

Ghel-oo!

*Ultros finds himself suspended in a gelatinous substance that is only slightly more difficult to get out of than titanium. He can still breathe, but it'll definitely take him quite some time to get out of there*

Tinsot!

*The gelatinous substance freezes and hardens*

Izyuk!

*The gelatinous substance (and Ultros along with it) begins floating in the air*

Lesoch!

*A hurricane-force gust of wind pushes the gelatinous substance (and Ultros along with it) very rapidly into a tree. The substance shatters, and leaves Ultros with a pounding migrane*

Throck!

*The tree suddenly has a ridiculously big growth spurt, involving several roots rapping themselves around Ultros, and causing the boss monster to become stuck once again*

Okay now, I can do this all day and night if I have to, but I'd really rather advance the plot in some sensible manner. So, will you please just let me proceed peacefully?

[Sagittarius] Or howabout this? [delivers a stunning blow to Ultros]

[Ultros] That's it, I'm outta here!

[Ultros fades out. Victory fanfare.]

[Link exits the tree, walks over, and sees Affy]

[Link] Oh. Hi.

[Navi] We were squishing spiders.

*On the Space Staton Big C meanwhile, the past occurance happens twice more. That is, the Professor appears for a brief moment out of the Time Machine, and then vanishes again. This happens twice, with a couple of minutes in between.*
*A couple of minutes after the third occurance after the Professor had vanished for the first time, he reverts (as apposed to inverts) himself out of the Time Machine's gateway. However, something is very odd about him...*
*He is quite taller than before, and lines cross his face, which is now wrinkly! He still stands tall and straight, but his green jacket has been replaced by a mucky brown robe, and, although his Watch is still on his wrist, it seems not to be activated. In his right hand, he holds what looks like a wand!*

Computer *..he says in a much older and wiser voice, very mature...* what is the meaning of this!? I told you to-

[Sir, you stated that you wished Subjectal State Preservation.]

Only for my mind!!

[You did not state that Sir.]

Oh hell! Do you realise what this means? Having started out as 15 years old, and then going back 10 years, and then back again three times, I am now 55 years old! This is absurd!

*The Professor walks slightly slower than before over to one end of the large chamber. A panel opens in the wall, and a metal arm extends from behind it, holding what looks like a glowing green hemisphere. Another arm protrudes from above the first, the end of which is shaped like a small laser gun.*
*The Professor grumbles, and places his right hand on the green ball. The gun shaped object at the top aims for his head, and fires. A green bolt of light extends from it to is brain, where it makes a complete copy of his mind an memory, ans stores it. Once this is done, both arms fold back into the wall and the panel closes.*

Computer, seal that data in a time-continuum field. I want that still here in the past.

[Certainly sir.]

*The Professor walks back over to the Time Machine console, and sets it to take him back to before he vanished the first time, without any Subjectal State Preservation. This means that, if he were to travel back in time, he would revert back to his exact state in that time, i.e. he would be 15 again, and wouldn't know about the data he's just stored...*
*Before he enters the portal, he tells the Computer to keep itself free from the time-flow, and tell him that there was data waiting for him when he emerges...*

*A while in the past, the Professor appears on the spot.*

[Sir. Welcome back.]

I was gone??

[Yes Sir. Your future self has stored new data for you. If you could please retrieve it.]

Very well...

*And he does, using the green orb again. Obviously, he now remembers his 40 years spent out of his normal time...*

There, that's better! Now then, Computer, prepare the Smallcy - I'll be heading down to h2g2 any moment now.

[Sir.]

[Link] [explaining Navi's comment] Well, that tree over there was infested with spiders, and Professor Kramer had been there, too, and we found --

[He is cut off by a thunderous crash. A huge explosion appears, towering over the treetops, and then the explosion itself transforms into a tree the size of the Empire State Building]

[Link] Holy sasparilla! (sp?)

[Navi] {The thing's a tree!}

[Sagittarius] I think he noticed that.

[H2G2] Humans are constantly stating and restating the very, very obvious, saying such things as, "It's a nice day" or "You're very tall" or "Oh you seem to have fallen down a thirty foot hole, are you all right?" or "The thing's a tree!" While this is in most cases limited to humans, the inhabitants of Gerdeus IV seem to also have this trait, and in the case of the Kokiri, it also extends to their fairy companion.

*Affy looks at the tree and whistles*

Man, is Irv gonna get ticked when he gets back.

*Reminds himself of the Space Needle incident, and decides to claim no correlation between himself and the sudden appearance of this tree. Still, he decides that he can use it to further his purposes*

Okay, you guys. Fun's fun, but I need to find Krill. I've been going over the every possible scenario involving that time tunnel, and there's nothing good about what could happen. Technilogically, thaumaturgically, and alchemically, this is a bad situation. I'll be back.

*Affy casts the Izyuk spell at himself, and he quickly flies to the top of the tree. Spying out the highest branch, he sees no tentacles, death ivy, teeth, poison, giant insects, or anything of that sort anywhere near it. He lands on the tree, and looks around at an amazing panoramic view of a small portion of the magic forest*

Okay, I need to work fast. Let's see, the detect magic spell. Where is it...

*Flips through his book, because he hasn't used this spell in ages*

Jindak!

*The entire forest briefly glows blue*

Stupid adjectives...okay, let's see, if I were a mad-genius who was highly skilled in magic, alchemy, and science, where would I go if I wanted to stop a Time Tunnel from destroying pretty much all of reality as we know it?

*Considers this, and realizes that he *is* a mad-genius who is highly skilled in magic, alchemy, and science. He also remembers that this description fits Minos Krylma, possibly even more so. He ponders where, in fact, *he* would go, and instantly zooms off in the direction of his tree-hut. As soon as he gets there, he notices two fairly large rat-ants wearing red uniforms standing in front of the entrance to his hut*

Oh, I get it. Illegal search and seizure...

*Affy goes to converse with the rat-ants*

HA-HA! *George swoops in on a broom stick*
You wouldn't let me be part of you little story, would you?
Well now I'm going to get you, and your little dog/fairy/elf(cirlce apropriate) too!

*Flies high into the air and begins dropping used tissues, tea-bags, and old mints that have been at the bottoms of hundreds of grandma-purses since time (purse time) began.*

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!

[Kramer appears somewhere else]

[Kramer] GAA! That MISERABLE girl! That [censored]! I -- er, oh dear.

[He blasts the tree with a curse and disappears again; the tree fills with Rat-ants, spiders, Deku-Babas, and one very annoyed Queen Ghoma. Cut back to Link and George]

[Link] Er, hey!

[Navi] Hey!

[Sagittarius punches George off the broomstick]

HA-HA! I planned for such an attack! I have devised a special seatbelt to which I am perminantly attached to the broom until I recite a spacial spell. By the way, those rat-ants seam to enjoy the moldy candy, and the spiders are drowning in the 4" of tea I dropped, and Queen Ghoma is so disgusted by the used tissues, that now she's throwing up. Good for me!

Oops, wrong !

Gohma does not throw up. What she does do however is climb on ceilings and drop little eggs with three-legged spider type things in them. Most curious...


*The Professor, back in his usual heroic guise as a 15 year old, boards the prepared Star Ship Smallcy, and flies it out of his private hanger down to Earch...*
*He ponders to himself about how much Krill is going to hate this...*
*He then laughs, but chokes as he was trying to drink at the same time, tea of course...*

Now, George, if you had mentioned the seatbelt BEFORE Sagittarius had punched you off of the broomstick, that post might have been possible. And since you hadn't, you have to have fallen off the broom.

Actually, come to think of it, Sag couldn't have punched you off the broomstick, because you'd already flown into the air at that point.

But anyway, don't control what the monsters are doing, or even what's happening to them, because they're technically MY characters. Besides, they're INSIDE the tree. You can say that you shoot at someone, but it's up to the target whether or not it hits or if it does, how much damage it deals.

You CAN, however, JOIN us and see what happens next.


[Link Z-targets George and Navi flies over his (George's) head and turns yellow. Also, a sights sort of thing appears aroung George.]

[Link] Are you going to do something useful, or are you just another boss-for-the-sake-of-having-a-boss?

[Sagittarius] If so, this RPG is getting kinda lame with regards to that.

Can I use my Grandma-Powers and spells of safety and cookery?

And if so, then I conjour up a bottle of corn oil that I spray on the undersides of all horizontal planes so that Ghoma cannot cling to them and throw spider-eggs on us.(What is up with you and spiders, man? I mean, really.)

Oh, and by a meraculous feat of logic and timing, I am still flying on my broom, which is made of titanium with nilon-squeegy bristles and all the amenities of a first-class airplane seat on Brittish Airways.

/* Zeppo has followed the scent out of the maze, and out of the GUE entirely. He is now standing in front of a small white house.
There is a mailbox here.

Zeppo sniffs at the air, then tilts his head and sniffs again. He trots into the house and grabs a brown paper bag off of the kitchen table.
The brown paper bag contains:
A sandwich
A clove of garlic

Zeppo eats the sandwich, then chews on the clove of garlic for a little while, finally eating that too. */

*Affy enters his hut, and finds Krill quickly rummaging through several chemicals. With an exclamation, Krill selects several kinds of chemical, pours them into an aeresol container, and seals it. He turns around and stares at the buisiness end of Affy's sword. Krill snarls a bit*

Krill-You can either fight me, or you can help me save the Universe.

*Affy lowers the sword a bit, pondering. He thinks about this*

Affy-What would we have to do?

First of all, Affy, I'm sorry about Ultros. I know how you feel now.

Second of all, George, I started this forum with a set purpose. That was to create a good story for myself and anyone who wanted to participate. It's fine that you want to participate, but your character is attacking us, not because Kramer or Krill told him to do so, or because he is guarding something that we want and he doesn't want us to have, but because you broke a rule that you didn't know about, and we told you about it. Besides, there's nothing the Majic Forest can't stand more than the pointless agression you're displaying.

Now, it's nothing against you, personally. But, to sort of quote Lil's Continuity page, I've seen some really great forums fall apart because of boisterous newbies. Hell, I've been one myself. But your character is distracting us from more import -- say, that's an idea.


[Several vines from the forest grab George to prevent him from attacking Link and Sagittarius anymore. No, you can't break from it.]

[Sagittarius] Now look here, you son of a witch!

[Link] Hey, hey, I'll handle this. Listen: you're distracting us from something more important than something in the past. We've got to save the forest from a mad scientist, and the entire H2G2 from a mad magicist. Could you help us out and save the world for a bit? Or would you rather inadverdently cause the end of the world by not letting us get somewhere in time?

[Navi] {And if you help us, there /could/ be a reward.}

[Navi is still right above George's head, so of course he can understand him]

*Their little conversation is however momentarily broken by the sound of the Smallcy, Star Ship of choice for Pr. C. Tonks, firing its landing rockets. Naturally, the ship does not land in the Forest, as the Professor doubts it would appreciate that, but hovers a few metres above ground, where the Professor suddenly falls through the air and hits the ground softly.*
*With a quick movement of his hand, the Smallcy turns upwards and flies on. The Professor walks over to Link.*

Hello there, sorry I've been away.
Look, do you know where Affy's got to? I need to find Krill...

[Link] I 'unno.

[Sagittarius] He beamed up to the top of the tree and then disappeared.

[Link] I think something's going on /inside/ the tree. Wanna come with us?

[Navi] {Coming, George?}

*The Professor looks around, as if waiting for something.*
*Incidentally, he isn't.*

Very well. If you can take me to Affy, I will follow you.

*And he does so...*

/* Zeppo leaves the small white house and sits on the lawn, thinking about something that he learned at Greebo's Chrimbo party. */