h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The Professor, after hearing what the pair had said before they had moved on, just stood there gobsmacked.*

Wa-, Watch - is - there - anything wrong with Affy? I mean...

{Negative Sir. Afgncaap5 appears to be acting of his own mind.}

What did he mean there was something different about my mentality? Of all the cheek!
Oh, maybe he noticed that what I had learned in my 40 years of extra existance wouldn't normally fit in the mind of a scientist such as myself...hmm...

*The Professor activates Hyper-Movement, shimmers blue and white, and darts up to where Krill and Affy are waiting*
*He returns to his normal state, and looks down at the two, who are now looking up at him from their seated position. His hand, though not raised, is on his Watch...*

Affy, I was just wondering, you know - what the planet of hell is going on!?
I don't have any continuty-analysers outside of my Space Station you know...

Er, I didn't /really/ mean you /had/ to fight the Time Tunnel. But, okay, you can fight Spacetime, that ball of light that attacked Saria while she was in that funky dimension.

And, George? Don't try to lift the Gossip Stones. We don't need them.


[They get over the electric surprise of Navi's statement]

[Link] She's that powerful!?!?

[Navi] {Hey, Hero of Time, wake up seven years from now! You knew that already}

[Link] Er, well, yeah, I just didn't fully comprehend it until ... [looks around at the huge surroundings] ... until now.

But I *want* to fight the Time Tunnel. It's threatening to engulf the Universe.


*Affy stands up and looks Tonks in the eye*

Krill and I have an important mission. We're going to save the Universe. I'm not going to go into all of the details involved with this, but from what I know about the interior mechanics of a Time Tunnel, if this isn't stopped it'll cause a climactic disaster that no one short of God could stop.

Krill was only working with Dr. Kramer to get the anti-magic shields up, as a way to give us a chance of stopping the disaster before it's too late. Had they not been installed, the entire Universe would've been erased about seven hours ago. We're going on borrowed time as it is.

Anyway, you're welcome to come along, although I'm not sure if that would be wise.

*Affy tosses a Yastard spell scroll to Tonks along with a small unlabeled aerosol container. He and Krill turn around, and head towards the tunnel, each casting a similar spell on themselves, causing their spirit essences to be sent into the Tunnel.

When Affy lands, he is standing on top of a giant hunk of rock, that appears to be floating in an endless mauve-colored void. The only other things seem to be several other similar hunks of rock, a breathable atmosphere, Krill, the Time Tunnel exit, and a strange violet-colored sphere hanging in the middle of the infinite stretch of emptiness. Affy motions towards it*

Lemme guess. That's the spell's ZM, isn't it?

*Krill nods*

Krill-That is one of the reasons I need your help. This is a job that requires at least two technological/thaumaturgical/alchemical geniuses.

Affy-Well, let's get it.

*Affy begins pulling one of the containers safety tab off, but is interupted by a gigantic dragon emerging from the sphere (very odd, seeing as the sphere is only a few inches across in the diameter). Affy and Krill stare at the dragon for a moment, in shock*

Affy-Shades of C. Howard Hinton and H. P. Lovecraft! This thing's got a mind of its own!

Krill-I know. It heard you, Affy. I'll handle the dragon. I trust that you know the Izyuk spell?

Affy-Can pigs fly?

*Affy casts the Izyuk spell at himself, levitates off of the ground, and hurtles towards the sphere, shaking his aerosol container while emitting a strange, gutteral war cry*

[SPACETIME is immune to physical attacks. Only magic can block it.]

[BTW, Affy, could you give me a list of your spells and what "elements" they use? The choices for elements are Fire, Thunder, Water, Ice, Plant, and Dark.]

[Er, I meant magic can DEFEAT Spacetime, not BLOCK it.]

I'm not fighting Spacetime right now, I'm just fighting the Time Tunnel itself. Spacetime can be the battle that occurs after all of this.

As for my spells, I'm afraid I can't do that. My spells are numerous, and there have only been two attempts to catalouge Zork spells under different catagories, elemental or otherwise. Spellbreaker let certain spells be stronger if you had possession of certain Cubes of Foundation, but that was an iffy series of combinations, not to mention the fact that the Cubes represented seventeen different elements and that there were too many spells in all of Zork to really do that well with. Then Activision practically made it worse by introducing the High, Middle, and Deep magic categories which just didn't work at all.


*Krill hurls spherical lightning at the dragon, which takes a hit, and misses Krill when it breathes fire. Affy managed to get to the sphere, and sprayed it with his aerosol container. The entire meta-dimension shudders when this happens, and a shockwave explodes from it, pushing Affy onto another floating rock (very painfully)*

Affy-I think I might've hurt it a bit.

*A green gaseous substance emerges from the sphere, and begins heading towards Affy*

A Green Ghost! Man, this'll be fun!

*Affy wields his sword, which is glowing with near blinding light*

Oh, quit complaining...

So anyway, the tree 'was' or 'is' a person? I think it would be best if we left the tree alone for now and tried to find some way of reversing whatever happened here(what did happen here anyway?). I've got a picnic lunch alwready prepared and would like to very much have a sit down and discussion on where in the forest we are in relation to any certres of commerce and/or magic. We could get info and/or useful devices at both a commercial centre and a magic centre, right?

*The Professor is left standing next to the Time Tunnel. He looks down at the scroll as he thinks:*

Does this mean Krill is on our side? I've wasted 40 reclaimed years of my life for nothing! All tht stuff I've learned that could have defeated him, I-
Oh, he didn't sense I thought that did he? Oh well, here goes nothing...

*He puts the container away in one of his numerous coat pockets, follows the instructions on the scroll, and casts the Yastard spell on himself.*
*He promptly vanishes into the Time Tunnel. Naturaly, he could have opened his own rift to there, but that would defeat the object of it...*
*He soon emerges in front of the same sphere that Krill and Affy appeared before.*


Just a question, as I know nothing about this RPG: why is Spacetime, when we get to it, only vulnerable to magic attacks? Surely that's wrong, if space and time are most certainly the most physical things there are!
I would have though it would be totally invulnerable to magic, but have one huge hunkin' bigmomma style defence on the physical side of things all the same.


*He soon spies Affy and Krill fighting various things...*

Yes! A chance to use my new skills!!

*In case it hasn't already been gathered, the Professor has spent 40 years out of his normal timeline learning a heck of a lot of magic...*

[Link] Well, we need to get rid of all these parasites that abruptly decided to infest the tree. [walks toward a wall with an opening in it] And, hopefully, revert whatever happened that turned her into a tree.

[They go through the hole in the wall]

[Link] Shades of the Deku Tree!

[Anyone who looks up will see that they are in a huge chamber, four-fifths of the diameter of the tree itself. Of course, given the size of the tree, that's still pretty zarking huge. A pattern of rope ladders is along the outer walls]

[Link] C'mon, let's go over there!

[He rushes to the wall and starts to climb. Sagittarius follows suit]


Prof: Spacetime is the "working" name of the Boss that Saria faced in that weird dimension.

Affy: Fine, let's drop Spacetime. We've already got enough bosses who make multiple appearances already.

*Professor Tonks feels a strange feeling of heaviness in his head, which starts dull, but quickly increases to the point where it feels as if there were a dagger being poked through his skull. But the feeling only, as if his mind had been discarded as either uninteresting or unimportant. Affy glares at Krill*

Affy-Don't do that again.

Krill-Why not? I did it to you all those years ago.

Affy-It isn't nice.

*Affy begins zipping around the sphere, all the while being carefully followed by the Green Ghost. Affy then makes a ridiculously quick dash directly under the sphere. The Green Ghost, unable to totally follow that quickly, runs into the sphere, and has enveloped it. Affy zips back, sprays the sphere with his container again, and grins as the previous shockwave is totally blocked by the poor Green Ghost (who softly and suddenly vanishes away). Affy prepares to spray it again, when one very powerful looking mage hurtles out of the sphere, and lands on one of the rocks. He is quickly followed by two vampires and what appear to be three fairly powerful daemons. Affy grins*

Ah, Mangar and friends. It's been a long time since I've had the chance of fighting you.

*Another different looking mage leaps out of the sphere and lands on another floating rock*

Ah, The Dark Lord. Been a while since...

*A spectrely figure, two more mages, and a lizard-like monster jump out*

Well, if it isn't King Aildrek, Fanskar, Oscon the Strong, and Dargoth!

*Affy ponders this, and quickly slaps his forhead for not realizing what's going on*

Vardik!

*As Affy puts on the mind shield he forgot to put on when he left his hut this morning, all of the older enemies of his vanish without a trace. Luckily, he did this before Tarjan emerged. For good measure, he manages to spray the sphere again. Krill, meanwhile, had just teleported the dragon away so that its fire breath hit the sphere. The spray and the dragon fire hit at the same time on the same spot, causing a gigantic reality-quake that sends everyone sprawling (except for the dragon, who faded away when the shockwave hit)*

*The Professor slowly makes his way over to where Affy is standing...*

Even in all my forty years of training - I've been learning magic, by the way - I've never been taught anything about this sphere.
Oh, and what the planet of hell was Krill doing to my head!?

*He glares at the wizard...*

Krill was doing something akin to a mind probe. He did it to me when I first faced of against him as a novice enchanter. He was gauging your abilities. If he'd considered you more of a threat, it might've gone on a bit longer. You aparently know magic, but not enough of what he thinks of as dangerous.

Krill-Yeah, he's a wimpy little thamaturgist.

Affy-Krill, if memory serves, I beat you as a novice with only three simple (not to mention ridiculously well-chosen) spells. Your pride is your Achilees Heel, Krill.

Krill-Silence, Carnival Clown, before I dispatch you to the great void that you sent me to!

Affy-Aren't we on the same side here?

Krill-Oh. That. Right.

Affy-Just try to spray that sphere with your aerosol container, Tonks. The backlash'll make you see stars for a few minutes, and you'll feel nautious and have a migraine all of tomorrow, but trust me. Here, I'll even save you a move (in the event that you're using the traditional Round based fighting.)

*Affy casts the Izyuk spell at Tonks, causing him to levitate a few inches from the ground. Affy turns back to the sphere, and shrieks at the appearance of a floating compact disc that emerges from the sphere. He tries to shoot it with all of the technological and magical weapons at his disposal, but the energy keeps narrowly missing the CD. An all-too-familiar voice echoes through the void*

Voice-Blast! You've not given me the new form that you promised! If you want me to save your hide, finish your part of the deal!

*Matter begins growing around the CD, creating a ridiculously complex mesh of mechanics, magic, and flesh. The thing continues growing at a ridiculous pace, while a booming maniacal laughter echoes through the minds of everyone within. The evil laughs are even heard within the giant tree, on a few paths around the forest, in the halls of Queen Lucy Flathead on Zork, all around the CLI complex, the caverns of Krylma Mountain, the H2G2 Space Station, and probably even aboard the other station (you just never know with these multi-dimensional time shifting villains, do you?). Affy begins attempting to shoot the strange being again, but all of the energy blasts are merely absorbed, and increase the rate of growth*

Affy-AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! Oh, we must be really close to finishing this thing off; I can't think of *any* reason other than self-preservation why the Time Tunnel would pull this guy out of wherever he's been hiding!

*Affy ducks behind one of the floating rocks, just in time to avoid a giant spider-like machine that jumped from the hand of this quickly forming creature. The machine turns away from where Affy was, and slams onto Krill. Krill is now visible inside a cage on the machine's back. He's trying many, many spells to get out, but it doesn't seem to be working*

Voice-I thought that you might recognize me, Affy. A pity that your friends aren't better informed. No matter. United or not, all will fall before me.

BTW, the sphere, in layman's terms, is the main CPU for the spell. There's more to it, but I'm not up to explaining it right now, nor do I feel up to explaining what, exactly, is in the aerosol containers. It'd take too much time.

BTW, why give yourself magic, Tonks? Your not being hard enough on yourself.

With my amazing powers of cookery, I whip up a trail of malassis leading out of the tree. Here (hands out 'SAFETY FIRST' brand wood filler) these are for the holes the little critters made.

http://www.h2g2.com/F32669?thread=86964 Mission To Cygnus X-1

ARGH!!! When will people EVER stop going on about my past mistakes?! Yes, I became offensive once, yes, I posted too long, but I've said sorry on both accounts!!
Will you please stop treating me like I'm unable to post in a proper manner?!
This is a notice in particular to all the Mews, wherever they are, YK, and MaW, who in my opinion are probably the same person(s)...






Now, can we please continue? Thankyou...
Why give myself magic in this thread? Why, I can't fight all these things with physical things...
Anyway, though *I* know better, the Professor didn't realise that Krill was going to help us, so he taught himself magic so he'd have a chance against him...

George, what are malassis? And why do we need them? We're trying to go UP the tree, not OUT of it.

And BigC, I am definitely not MaW, nor am I any of the Mews.

And Affy? In just WHICH post do you have the aforementioned CD flashbacks?

I meant "molasses", you know, that sugary substance that attracts insects but is ten times as sticky as honey. That's what I meant. Let's get on with this tree/person/pest-place story.

That previous post you made with the complaint, Tonks, was that directed at me? If so, sorry, I had no intention of implying something anything like that.



YK, I'm refering to the space battle at the end of the thread, where my clone from the other dimension came back, and saved himself by downloading all of his biological info onto the CD. That same CD is here, and was apparently pulled here by the Time Tunnel to finish me off. This, of course, means two things: 1) the Time Tunnel isn't going to envelope the universe anymore, seeing as my doppleganger wouldn't make the fatal mistake of aiding something that would destroy him, and 2) if the Tunell's that desperate, we're probably at least half way through fighting him, and this'll be the last new villain I hurl into the storyline. Sorry for the inconvenience.


*The mass of machinery, wiring, flesh, blood, and bone has now totally formed into a five story tall version of Affy, complete with ridiculously sharp teeth, claws on the hands, motion/heat/mentality tracking eyesight, and very dangerous looking versions of all of Affy's traditional weaponry*

AltAffy-I *love* this new form! Pretty timely too, seeing as I was gettin' a bit tired of the old one. I am now the *ultimate* six dimensional entity! Once I finish off my end of the bargain here, I'll have a whole new dimension to conquer! I'll have fun disecting your Crater Labs, Affy. Lots of fun equipment to play with.

*AltAffy gets a disturbing look in his eyes, while the smaller version of Affy quickly begins setting his OmeGauntlet for "Sleetzar"*

Affy-The one time in my life that I *won't* feel bad about killing something...