h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Potholer has some good advice here. (Nice one Potholer!)

Making it hypothetical - "would it be a good idea if..." etc works a treat. It gives everyone more room for maneouver, and takes better care of easily bruised feelings.

agcB

Oh God, what have I started here...

Thank you all for taking an interest like this, it really means a lot to me that you all get involved, and I think that all the advise has been very good.

To Ben: I haven´t actually done it yet, so don´t start calling me brave. I still feel like a big coward... And yes, he is also a Dane, a very sweet Dane.
A couple of times we´ve even discussed children and paranting, and I almost had to bite my tounge not to say something like: "Well our children won´t be like that." That actually almost slipped out at one time... Now that might have scared him of...

But he is a really sweet guy and something inside me says that we should still be able to be friends even though he´s don´t feel the same way. I just have to find the courage to tell him how I feel, which is the really hard part...

I´m actually going up to stay with him for a couple of days in two weeks, maybe I will find a way to be brave then...

Re: the 'just go for it' policy (poor Orcus, by the way )
I gave up just dropping hints and just went for it, nearly 14 years ago (very young at the time!!!)
Result: We've been happily married for nearly eight years
Clovis-the-conjugally-content-cat

Don't be Cloviscat, twas my own stupid fault for being a coward and valuable lessons were learnt (also it was a long time ago now). Main lesson learnt, if you like someone, tell them, it saves lots of heartache. If nothing happens you've got it over with and if it does you haven't wasted any time.

Hope it all goes well for you Dax

Happy apart from when DIY comes into it Cloviscat?

(Waits for another )

Assembling a flatpack is enough to try anybody's temper! By now, we've had a lot of practice at 'communicating' and get matters out into the open and resolved () nice and quickly...

Hi Dax

Here's a sneaky suggestion for you to find some things out, since you'll be spending some time with him soon anyway.

You could just mention one time that all the flirtation has made you curious as to what it might have been like if the two of you would have started your relationship off in a romantic sort of way rather than as a good friendship (though of course you wouldn't trade the friendship for anything). Ask him if he has ever wondered the same, and if he has, why not suggest a little role playing game to really mess with your friends minds, as a joke of sorts.

It's wicked, I know, but might give you two the chance to discover whether there is something more going on there without having to commit to it being real and potentially damaging a great friendship. It's often easier to make big leaps when you don't have to officially take the consequences so seriously.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

In my experience: Telling him might kill the friendship and not telling him will kill it. Because you'll work yourself really into it. Deceive yourself and start seeing things that are not there ... that makes the coming down from seventh heaven harder. Thus tell him.
All the best!

Damn right listen to tube.

I have had these long conversations with men on phones, irl and text messages. The one I talked to the most was just a friend to me, but he was telling all our mutual friends he was in love with me. When he finally got round to telling me, I wasn't interested. I am sorry to say that for a while it did change our friendship, as I just wanted him to keep away from me, but eventualyl it got back on track. It's never going to be the same as it was before he declared his interest, but it is as good as it was before he became interested, if that makes any sense. Anyway, what I am trying to say is yes, men tend only to be so communicative if they are interested. And if he is not, the friendship will still be there, if somewhat in need of TLC for a while.
And don't worry about your age and length of previous relationships, I got together with my future (but now ex) husband when I was 21 and before him I think I had managed 4 months as a record for boyfriends. He'd managed no girlfriends to the age of 26. We were together 6 years.

BTW Abi, I don't think you are "big".

I have had an experiance like this...

I was such good friends with this girl that when her boyfriend dumped her the day before prom, she asked me to take her instead. I rented the tux, got the limo, picked her up went to the prom, got to the post-prom party, and decided to tell her how I actually felt about her.
She was amused but not interested, and decided to leave me at the party while she left with a friend of mine that came to the party stag.
I remained really good friends with her. You know, talking to her on the phone all the time, going out with her to partys and such, meating her new boyfriends and talking about her relationship problems (that nearly killed me). But all the while I still felt a need or kinship for/to her but never revealed my feelings for her again.
As the years went by, I compared every girl I went out with to her, which drove me away from some pretty great relationships.
3 years ago, durring her birthday party she leaned over kissed me and told me that she loved me. One thing lead to another and we started dating.
For the next 3 months I was completely happy. I finally got the girl that I was in love with for so long. The next 9 months were pure hell as I realised that I wasn't in love with her because I was actually seeing her as she really was. Not how I had been imagining her.
We broke up after many, many arguments and hurt feelings.
I haven't talked to her since.

But the story has a happy ending..
I finally stopped comparing her to other women, which freed me to have a great relationship with my current girlfriend.

The moral of the story? I don't know, becareful of what you wish for, you might get it? Or maybe I'm just a dumba*s for not seeing her for who she was before we started going out.
Either way, good luck Dax, whatever you decide to do.

Dear Dax
a lot of advice - here's one more. I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago: what began as a friendship between co-workers turned, on my side, into a desire for more. I was in love and it was great for some weeks, then I began analysing everything he said or did, all his responses (or lack thereof) to me... It started to drive me crazy.
Finally I realised that I had to make up my mind.
I knew that I did not want to lose him as a friend no matter what.
So I told him I was falling in love with him. Unfortunately he did not reciprocate my feelings.
And it took me quite a while to make him believe me that we could still be friends - but it was worth it, because we still are.
And the hurt goes away.
I beleive it is worth following your heart and if you know your feelings and you are scared, do it anyway.

Take care and stay candid

Vesper

>>>The next 9 months were pure hell as I realised that I wasn't in love with her because I was actually seeing her as she really was. Not how I had been imagining her.<<<

But I do see him as he is, that´s the great thing about it. I know he´s not perfect, I know his faults and still love him....
And of course I´m not perfect either, and of course it´s not all great in our friendship, we do bicker some times and disagree about stuff. But all in all, he is one of my best friends and I know that he does care about me. Sometimes I think that he may feel more than friendship, other times I´m not so sure. I guess it also depends on what kind of mood he´s in...

I have read all these stories now about similar experiences and none of them seem to work out...
Does nobody have a story of when they feel in love with their best friend, told them about it and lived happily ever after???

I wish I had a magic knitting needle to send you into the future to see how it all turns out. But unfortunately I haven't. I can tell you that SWH & I started out as good friends with a lot of common interests, and mutated !! We've been together now for (a very long time) and married for the last three.

We really got together after a very drunken night when we both told each other that we were in love and it was as I was holding his head whilst he spoke to Hughie on the big white 'phone that I realised that I'd been speaking the truth! As for SWH, it took a bit longer, he was more drunk!

I don't really recommend this as a way of expressing your feelings, but go for it, but do try and ensure he realises that as well as love, you care. That way, hopefully he won't run.

"But I do see him as he is...."

Maybe you do, but people change when they are in a relationship.
I still think you should go for it, otherwise you will always be thinking "what if I had told him." Beleave me you don't want spend alot of time doing that!
If you do really love him, tell him, or express to him your interests in him. Then you will find out if it is truly "ment to be".

Oh, maybe some more helpful advise...
Go slowly!

.... maybe not.

All this advice will probably just confuse you more. I say go with your instinct and don't worry about the result. That's my philosophy.

I know one or two people who have agreements with some of their good friends that if they haven't found anyone by the time they're a certain age, they will marry each other instead. Perhaps you could suggest something along those lines and then just... accelerate... it a bit

It probably works best if you have both been single for a while and have been complaining about the lack of available and/or appropriate members of the opposite sex, though.

I'm not necessarily the best person to be giving advice since I've not really been in that position though.

I have a friend that if we are both unconnected by the time she is 30 we're getting married.

Don't get me wrong Jon but that sounds like a horribly bad idea. It sounds like, if I haven't found anyone else, you'll have to do.

I know its probably not like that but if you really fancied each other and were really in love then something would have happened anyway wouldn't it?

In my experience that sort of situation means that one wants it more than the other and that isn't an ideal platform for a permanent relationship.

I dunno, maybe it will work, but that sort of agreement doesn't sound good to me. You have to be able ro be with each other night and day, want to have sex regularly (and that IS important), love each other...

I dunno just call me sceptic but I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Orcus

wasnt that from a film..my best friends wedding or somthing I think...