h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man comes home to his wife, and tells her he's bought some new 'Olympic' condoms. "Why Olympic?" she asks. "Well, they come in three different colours" he says, "Gold, silver, or bronze".
"So which did you buy?" asks his wife.
"Gold, of course!"
"Oh. I was hoping you'd bought silver" sighs his wife.
"Silver? Why?"
"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change..."

-What's the difference between the Prince, a bald man, a monkey and a lake?
-I don't know, what?
-The Prince is the heir apparant, a bald man has no hair apparant and the monkey has a hairy parent.
-What about the lake?
-That's where you fell in.

JOTD: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.

This must be OK 'cus the boss told it at our Xmas party!
An Englishman,An Irishman,and a Scotsman and their wives were walking on the moors when the English lady tripped on a stone and fell, revealing to all, as her skirt flew up that she was knickerless. When her husband reprimanded her, she responded,saying,'You don't give me enough house-keeping to buy underwear!' Reaching into his wallet, he pulled out a fifty pound note, saying, 'Get yourself the best lingerie that money can buy.'
A little later the Irish lady also fell, with the same result and the same reason for her lack of covering. Her man though, gave her a five pound note with the advice, 'Get down to Woolies for some hard-wearing pants!'
When the Scots lass took a tumble a while later and exposed her charms for all to see, and similarly complained of lack of cash, her spouse reached into his pocket, pulled out a comb with the advice,
'Tidy yer sen up woman!!'
Please note that to be 'PC' any other pleasant, generous people from anywhere in the world may be substituted for any of the above.

-Doctor,doctor I keep thinking I'm Mickey Mouse,then Donald duck!
-And how long have you had these Disney spells?

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar in the old west and declares"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

Two budgies sitting on a perch. One says to the other: can you smell fish?

2 atoms are walking down the street one day and they bump into each other.
One of them loses an electron and says "Ah damn I lost an electron"
The other replies "Are you sure?"
"Yes" Says the other"I'm flippin positive"

'So I got home, and the phone rings.I picked up and said "Who'd speaking please"And a voice said "You are"'

'So I was getting into my car,and this bloke says to me"Can you give me a lift?"I said "Sure, you look great,the worlds you're oyster,go for it"'

I bring you... Murphy's Laws Of Combat...

1. You are not a superman
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid
3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are
6. Always remember that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder
7. If the attack is going really well, it's an ambush
8. No plan survives the first contact intact
9. All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack
13. The important things are always simple
14. The simple things are always hard
15. The easy way is always mined
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat
17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
18. Incoming fire has right of way
19. Friendly fire isn't
20. If the enemy is in range - SO ARE YOU!
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection
22. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together
23. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately
24. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing
25. Tracers work both ways
26. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire
27. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out
28. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take
29. When both sides are convinced they are going to lose, they are both right
30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs
31. Murphy was a grunt

-Do you like riding on the top of the bus?
-Yes ,but it's a pain in the neck to get the horse up the stairs

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 foot per minute descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for."

YOUR CALL....Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Two young women are sitting on a bus when one says to the other, "The man next to me is masturbating!"

Her friend says, "Just ignore him"

"I can't, he's using my hand"

How do you make a cat go woof?
petropl and matches!
How do you kill a circus troop?
go for the juggler
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis

This post has been removed.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Three guys, one swede one norwegian and a finnish fellow, went to a whore house. Well there they agreed on a bet, they should see who could f**k the most women during the night. The next day they should write the ansver down on a note and they should declare the winner. The night came and they all went to their respective quarters(rooms). The next day they met in the bar and they read the swedes note first; the note had one line on it. Next the norwegian note was read it had three lines on it and the finnish guy shrieked; " Perkele, a hundered and eleven, beaten by one!"

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over".
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

"Only in America"

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..

2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front..

3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke..

4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage..

6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..

7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

8. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

I like it. However, here in Britain ...

2. Pharmacies / chemists don't sell cigarettes, but you still have to walk to the back of the store for your prescription. The front of the store is occupied by "important" things like cosmetics and perfume.

4. Banks often only have one door, and they still chain the pens to the counter. If they have any!

5. We don't all have driveways. Our cars are often parked on the road. They go in the garage if we have one, but that's often full of junk, too.

6. Answering machines allow you to pick up a message from somebody that dialled a wrong number.

7. We have that problem here, too, so it's not 'Only in America'.

8. 'Poly' is Greek for many. Other than that, it's true the whole world over!

Sorry to get serious, but Zorpheus' posting isn't a joke. It's almost too true to be funny!