h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK Chearful, maybe it's not so much a joke but more like scary observations. Try this one....

"30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN"

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

I've just gone through the whole of this forum and have a "Little Jonny" joke to add.

A teacher it in class teaching some new words. Not only do the kids have to be able to spell the words, but use them in context too. Latest word - contagious.

Teacher - "Timmy, give me a sentence with the word conagious in."

Timmy - "At Christmas, my mum had flu, she stayed in bed for a week because it was very contagious".

Teacher - "Very good. Susan?"

Susan - "In the dark ages, people would stay away from lepers because they were contagious."

Teacher - "Very good Susan. Jonny?"

Little Jonny - "My dad saw our next door neighbour painting his house with a one inch paint brush and said it would take the contagious."



What do you get if you turn five blonde Essex girls upside down?

At least two brunettes.



What's the difference between a blind archer and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but he can't hit!!

If we're on to "Little Johnny" (can't remember if I've posted these before)...

Little Johnny's teacher was telling the class about words with more than one syllable. First she told them what a syllable is, then she gave them some examples of words with more than one syllable. Finally she asked if any of the children knew any words with more than one syllable. Little Johnny put up his hand and said, 'Mas-tur-bate'.

'Gosh, Little Johnny,' said the teacher, 'That's a mouthful!'

'No, Miss,' said Little Johnny. 'You're thinking of a blow-job. I'm talking about a w**k.'


Little Johnny's teacher told the class that she wanted each of them to talk about something interesting or exciting the following day. Next day, when Little Johnny's turn came round, he went up to the blackboard and drew a single dot. "What's that, Little Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"It's a period, Miss," said Little Johnny.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "But what's interesting or exciting about it?"

"I don't know, Miss, said Little Johnny. "But this morning my big sister said she'd missed one and Mum fainted, Dad had a heart-attack, and the guy next door shot himself!"


Little Johnny's teacher was teaching maths. "There are three birds on the fence. If I shoot one, how many are left?"

Little Johnny put up his hand and said, "None, Miss."

"That's not right, Little Johnny," said the teacher. She held up three fingers. "There are three birds on the fence and I shoot one". She folded down one finger. "Now, how many are left?"

Again Little Johnny said, "None, Miss."

"How do you get that answer, Little Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"When you shoot the bird, the others get scared and fly away," said Little Johnny.

"Well," said the teacher, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking."

"Here's one for you," said Little Johnny. "There are three women sitting on a bench eating ice lollies. One's biting it, one's licking it, one's sucking it. Which one is married?" Teacher went pink and said nothing. "Come on, Miss," said Little Johnny. "One's biting it, one's licking it, one's sucking it. Which one's married?"

Teacher went bright red and stammered out, "The one that's sucking it!"

"No, Miss," said Little Johnny, "It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

That's all the Little Johnny jokes I can think of, right now. Apologies if I've posted any before.

You have posted these before - never mind

Bassman

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan.. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delights.
A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies. Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is worse, the third week it's nearly unbearable, the fourth week things are bad beyond words. The fifth week it is just awful. In fact it's getting so bad that on the sixth week.... They bury her.

How do you make a dog wag his tail?



Suck his cock.

Yieks!!! Well then....


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute Sexual Harassment

Q What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and Anal Sex?
A Clint Eastwood makes your day, Anal Sex makes your hole weak.

Q What's the difference between Light and Hard?
A You can get to sleep with the Light on.

Q - What do you call a Ned in a white shell-suit?

A - The bride

What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.