h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Why do they put white shirts on dead people?

Because they can't put it on themselves.

Hang on, I'm blonde....


A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: But I dont have any money. But Id do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) Anything? he asked. Yes, yes, anything the blonde promised. Well then, just follow me said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. Come in and close the door the man said. She did. He then said Now get on your knees. She did. Now take down my zipper. She did. Now go ahead ... take it out.... he said. She reached it and grabbed it with both hands .. then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered Well.. go ahead. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it .. and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said.... Hello, mum can you hear me?

Two blonds are4 walking through the wood when they come to a pair of tracks.
The first blond looks down and says "Oh look, deer tracks."
The second blond turns to her and says "No there not there bear tracks."
just then the train hits them.

Why is it cheaper for dead people to fly?
Cos everything is classed as "Carrion Luggage"
(It's not over yet..)
There is a magic slide and whenever someone slides down it ,whatever they say they will fall into.
So the first person slides down it and yells "MONEY!" and falls into a vat of money.
The second person slides down and says "BEER!" and falls into a vat of beer.
Now the third person didn't know it was a magic slide and yelled "WEEE!"........
Now thats comedy...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the
doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as
to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was
terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but
I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

You may have heard this one.

What's the difference between a rich man's canopy and a poor man's canopy?

The poor man's is under his bed.

Where does a General keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

ok this one was a cartoon that i saw but it might work on here
it was a drawing of picard and the tamarian capatain the tamarian says darmok and jalad at tanagra picard replys mrs white in the drawing room with the candle stick.

It works, I liked it.

Why can't women park cars?

'Cos men keep telling us that ... = 6 inches!!!!

Two robbers are digging up Beethoven's grave. When they open the coffin, they find Beethoven erasing all of his music. One of them asks, 'Beethoven, what are you doing?' He responds, 'I'm decomposing.'


Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.


A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

WOT!!! no jokes for two whole days!!! *rummages in joke bag*


Ah here we go.....


> Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
>
> Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
> holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
> occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
>
> Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
>
> Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
>
> No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
>
> Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
>
> If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
>
> Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following
> morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble
> full of dishwashing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A rabbit and a bear are both taking a dump next to each other in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks,
"Do your s**t stick to your fur?"
"No," the rabbit replied
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Here's one that so far only two people have laughed at.

What's white and falls out of trees?




A refrigerator

What's white and blue and falls out of trees?




A refrigerator wearing a dinner jacket.

:.)

Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT DOES - OKAY!!!!

A funeral parlour attendant took a lady in to see her late husband and she immediately started crying. When he asked if she was okay she replied, "It was his lifelong wish to be buried in a blue suit, and you've dressed him in black." The attendant explained that it was normal practice but that he would see what he could do.

On her return a couple of days later she was pleased to see her loved one smartly dressed in black for the funeral, so she thanked the attendant who explained that shortly after the lady had left from her previous visit another lady had complained that her husband had been dressed in blue when his wish was for black. "So" the attendant said, "after that it was just a matter of swapping the heads round."

A vampire bat came back to the cave blood dripping from his fangs,it was all over his face.So the other vamps said"Wow ,you must have had quite a haul,where'd you go?"
He says "I'll show you tomorrow night"
The next night they all set out and the first bat brings them to a field in the middle of nowhere.
"So why are we here?"they ask him
"See that tree?"He sais
"Yea"
"Well I didn't"

Whats the difference between a fish and a guitar?
You can't tuna fish.

Vader to luke skywalker: Luke,Luke,I know what you got me for christmas,I felt you're presents.

-This is a rether long one but it's fun-

A man was visiting his newborn son at a hospital, his wife died while giving birth to the child, and he felt rather sad as he walked up to a nurse.
-Im here to see my son, he said.
-Yes, but I must warn you. He isn't really like other babies. The nurse said.
-Well, that's ok, aftyer all he is my son. The man replied.
-Follow me the, I'll take you to him.
The nurse led him into a room filled with babies which missed legs, and the man shook his head in grief.
-Well, where is he? He asked.
-He isn't in this room. He's a few rooms furter away. The nurse said and led on.
In the next room the babies missed both legs and arms and the man got even more sad.
-Is he in this room then? He asked
-No. The nurse replied and kept walking.
In the next room, there was only heads attatched to some medical equipment.
-This is horrible, my poor son,where is he? The man said trembling.
-The is in the next room. The nurse said soothingly.
In the next room there was only an eye attached with cables to an artificial life giving system.
-Here is your son. But I'm afraid that you can't take him home. Ever. Said the nure.
Well, the man thought, I can at least cheer him up a little. And the he made some funny faces.
-Don't bother, he's blind. The nurse said.

Ok it looks as though we might be hitting the bottom of the barrel so here goes:

A priest is taking his boys quire groop to sing at some big outing somewhere. He loads the boys on a small two prop plane and they take off.
A few hours into the flight they hit some turbulance and the plane starts to shudder badly. The priest calms down the boys and tells them that he is going to talk to the pilot to find out what is going on.
He gets up to the cockpit and goes in shutting the door behind him.
"What's wrong?" he asks the pilot.
"We lost one of the engines in the turbulance back there"
"Are we going to be OK?" he asks
"Sure, one engine will be enough to get us down safely."

Right then the other engine sputters and goes dead.

"What do we do now?" the priest asks
"Well, I have two parrachutes. One for me and one for you."
"But what about the boys in the back?" the priest asks
"F**k'em!" the pilot says
the priest asks "Do you think we have time?"

I think I might burn for that one.