h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

heh....hope you don't mind if I use that one,there might be a teacher strike...
Oh and what goes black,white,black,white,black,white?
A Nun rolling down a hill!

My father told that one to a nun while they were on top of a hill. Although his went black, white, black, white, black, white, black, blue, black, blue, black, blue

3

JOTD: I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I was gonna put in all that,but it was too much like working...all that typing

A man walked down the street seeing a big box with a sign saying: 5 dollars for the ultimate pleasure. He gave it a try and a sign appeared: put in your best part. Though slightly confused he did and it was the ULTIMATE PLEASURE.

He got used to visiting this place, but one time he only had one dollar at hand. Hoping for a slightly decreased ultimate pleasure, he inserted coin and best part - and withdrew crying with pain.

He beat on the box, and out came a angry little old man, shouting:

Do you really think I put out my teeth first for just one dollar?

Theres a national geographic team in the desert,doing a program on the cheetah.
Theres the cameraman and commentator,and they've spotted a cheetah:
"And here it is,natures killer,It can run faster than anything else on the planet" Then the cheetah starts to walk towards them
The cameraman begins to take off his shoes.
"Yes,This beast could rip apart a man in seconds"
The cameraman starts to put on his runners when he sees the cheetah continue to walk towards them with a hungry glint in his eyes.
The commentator sees the cameraman do this and he says to him
"Y'know,he can run at 60mph,you won't be able to outrun him"
The cameraman says "I don't have to outrun him.....I just have to outrun you"

Why do lawyers wear ties?




To keep the fore-skin from covering up their faces.

That Cheetah joke is an old SUBA Diver's rule: You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than your dive buddy.

You are all the same. Arrogant little spits who think you know everything. You always try to outsmart each other. You embarrass and belittle each other. Then when someone tries to have a little fun you get all worked up and throw a fit. You are all up-tight, and can not take a joke. You take everything seriously and get angry at everyone. My advice to you all,
LIGHTEN UP.
Or get a life.

I have some jokes on the book title and author type, and they are here: http://www.h2g2.com/F41297?thread=74835 Other than that, nothing today I'm afraid :-(

This might only work if you're from Scotland.

Guy goes to the doctor and says 'You've got to help me, I've got a steering wheel attached to my knob and it's driving me nuts!.'


Quite possibly the funniest joke of all time. Ever.

everyone knows that to start a fire,rub two sticks together.just make sure one of them is a match

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approches the pearly gates of heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and leader of the free world."

"Oh... Mr.President! What can I do for you?" asks St. Peter

"I would like to come in." replies Clinton

"sure" says the saint. "But first yoiu must confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried Marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropiate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery'because i didn't have full 'sexual relations'. And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness'because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there indefinitly, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Anyone Know any GOOD jokes?

This isn't a good joke,but then,what is?
Irish street was talking to English street.
Irish street says "I'm am the toughest and hardest street in the world,no street is more dangerous then me"
"Oh Yea"replies english street.
Just then scots street walks into the bar,And Irish street panics and jumps behind the bar.
"How are ya?"He asks english street"good,good,well I'll be going"And with this scots street leaves.
"is he gone?"Irish street asks from behind the bar
"Yep" English street replies"But why'd you hide,I thought you said you were tough?"
"You don't understand" Says Irish street "He's a cyclepath"

This isn't a good joke,but then,what is?
Irish street was talking to English street.
Irish street says "I'm am the toughest and hardest street in the world,no street is more dangerous then me"
"Oh Yea"replies english street.
Just then scots street walks into the bar,And Irish street panics and jumps behind the bar.
"How are ya?"He asks english street"good,good,well I'll be going"And with this scots street leaves.
"is he gone?"Irish street asks from behind the bar
"Yep" English street replies"But why'd you hide,I thought you said you were tough?"
"You don't understand" Says Irish street "He's a cyclepath"

This isn't a good joke,but then,what is?
Irish street was talking to English street.
Irish street says "I'm am the toughest and hardest street in the world,no street is more dangerous then me"
"Oh Yea"replies english street.
Just then scots street walks into the bar,And Irish street panics and jumps behind the bar.
"How are ya?"He asks english street"good,good,well I'll be going"And with this scots street leaves.
"is he gone?"Irish street asks from behind the bar
"Yep" English street replies"But why'd you hide,I thought you said you were tough?"
"You don't understand" Says Irish street "He's a cyclepath"

Didn't I say that?

Possibly, possibly not.

3

JOTD: For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients

Applause!! That one is very good.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general began
to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if
that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to
writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a
minute. Are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s
ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies,
though."