h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is my favourite joke of all time - don't ask me why, it just makes me laugh.

Fred goes round to see his mate Bob and when he knocks on the door, Bobs wife answers.

Fred says, "Is Bob in?"

She replies, "I'm afraid he died last night."

Fred then says, "Oh I am sorry. He didn't say anything about a tin of brown paint before he went did he?"

?????? OK I'm confused ???????

A bloke walks into a bar and the barman, who is on the phone, signals for him to wait a couple of minutes.

As he stands waiting, a little voice says to him, "You look as though you've lost a bit of weight" but the chap can't figure out where the voice came from.

A few seconds later the voice says, "I like your jacket - it really suits you", and again the chap looks around but can't figure who said it.

Another minute goes by and the voice pipes up, "I like the new hairstyle - it takes years off you". Just then the barman comes over and the man asks where the voice comes from. The barman points at a bowl of peanuts on the bar, and says, "It's the peanuts - they're complimentary"

This bloke walks into a bar, no, there was 2 of them in fact, 2 blokes, wait a minute, they were women! 2 women walked... no! A man and a woman walked into a bar and... hold on, yes, that's it. A duck came into this bar with a bloke or a woman or it might have even been a hermaphrodite it's not important, and... the bloke was carrying the duck, I've got it now, yes, that's right, ok. This plumber came into a bar with a duck and he says to the bar man, this duck's really clever, and the bar man says... o no! I've spoiled it now. You weren't meant to know it's a plumber, that's the punch line you see. O well. Never mind. I'll tell it anyway and then you can tell someone else it properly. Right. Where did we get to? O yes, so, the bar man says... no, it's gone I'm afraid. I can't remember what the bar man says to the plumber. Hold on, he wasn't a plumber at all! He was a lawyer! Yes! That was it, it's all flooding back now. So, the lawyer says to the duck, how clever do you think I am and the bar man says he's got no trousers on, and then the plumber's mother, the lawyer's mother even walks in with a gun and shoots them all, and that's that.

I am now stupider for having read that.

I apologise in advance for these...
Knock knock
Who's there?

Maybelle
Maybelle who?
Maybelle doesn't work either.

Boo
Boo who?
No need to cry it's only a joke

Mandy
Mandy who?
Mandy lifeboats,we're sinking!


I will now never tell another knock knock joke ever again,I promise

Knock Knock

Who's there

Sam & Janet

Sam & Janet Who

Sam & Janet Evening, you may see a stranger

That's worse, & for that you can thank Gareth aged 8 3/4.

Q: How do you get 100 pikachus on a bus?
A: Poke 'em on

I've heard joke 44, but wasn't he blind as well?

Why are penguins good formula 1 drivers?

'Cos they're always in pole position!!!!

Did you hear about the giant chicken?
He was ostrichsized!(Say it out if you don't get it)

And that penguin one is from a "penguin" bar!

Notes to Mac.

If you need to explain them - don't tell them.
Never, ever apologise for where you got a joke from.

A sporting one -

Who was the last bloke over 6'-3" to ride a Derby Winner?
Lester Piggott's cell-mate.

A man walked into a bar... Ouch! That's not the best I can do. Watch this!

If a boy ate his mum and dad, what woul that make him?

An orphan.

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

A blind man walks in to a bar. (ouch)
--badum bum!

A horse walks into a pub and the bartender says "why the long face?"
--badum bum!

Two men walk into a bar, the first turns to the second and says, "You didn't see it either?"
--badum bum!

A man walks into a pub and sits down. "what's with the horse?" asks the man, pointing to a horse in the corner. "Oh him," says the barkeep, "he's part of a contest. Anyone who can make him laugh gets $1,000." Without a word the man walks over the to horse and whispers in his ear... the horse falls down laughing! "well I'll be!" says the barkeep, and pays the man.
A week later the man returns and the horse is still at the pub. "What's the deal?" he asks. "Oh, now you have to make him cry." Without a word the man walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and they both step out back. A moment later the man returns and the sound of uncontrollable sobbing drifts through the pub. "Just what did you say to him, mister?" asks the barkeep.
"The first time I told him my 'package' was bigger than his.... and then I showed him."
--badum bum!

Hmm,good advice shellers,But now you tell me!
So no apologies for this one:
There was 3 guys lost in the desert who got captured by nomads.The nomads did'nt like lost people,so they had decided to shoot our 3 heroes.
But as they were waiting to be brought up to be shot,the first guy says "I've read about this nomad tribe,they're terrified of natural disasters,so do as I do"
So this first guy walks up,and just before he was going to be shot,he yells :"Watch Out!Sandstorm!!" The nomads panic and he gets on a horse and rides away.
The second guy gets brought up after they all calm down and ,again,just before he's shot,he yells "Tidal Wave!!" And again the nomads panic and he gets on a horse and rides away
The last guy saw all of this,And when he gets brought he's thinking "I know what i'll say,it worked for the others"
So the nomad says "Ready,aim.."
Then the third guy steps up and yells "Fire!"

A hunter wants to learn about tracking so he asks an old american indian to show him how. So they go ridding off in the plains. After a hour of ridding the indian jumps off his horse, puts his head down to the ground and then sits back up. He looks over to the hunter and sais "Buffalo come."

The hunter sais "That's amazing you can tell that the buffalo are on their way here just by listing to the ground?"

"No," the indian sais (patting his cheek)

"Cheek sticky."

A herd of elephants had gathered around a tree which grew in the middle of their favourite trail. They decided that they had to remove the tree and so a large elephant stepped up, wrapped his snout around the tree and began to pull.
After several attempts he gave up and another big hunk of an elephant stepped up to give it a try. He to wrapped his snout around the tree and pulled with all his strength. Buut he failed.
All the males tried and all failed. Then a small kid elephant approached the tree and said.
"May I try mother?"
"Well, if you want to." His mother replied.
So the tiny elephant wrapped his snout around the tree and pulled for king and country.
But he failed.

I don't get it?

How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?

Open the door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

Open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.

The lion king was having a baptism ceremony for his son. Which animal was unable to attend?

The elephant, because it was in the refrigerator.

A man was trying to get across a river where 1,000 crocodiles lived. How did he do it?

He swam across. The crocodiles were all at the baptism ceremony.