h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A man had been drinking at the bar for a while when the bartender told him to drink up, they were closing.

He stood up from his stool, and fell flat on his face.

"I haven't had that much," he thought, and tried to stand, only to fall flat again.

"Well, home's a short distance, I'll just crawl," he thought, and off he went.

When he got home, he tried to stand to unlock the door, only to fall flat once again. He finally got the door open, and crawled upstairs. When he got next to bed, he tried to stand again, and fell flat. "Oh to hell with it," he thought. He crawled into bed, and went soundly off to sleep.

His wife woke him, shaking him next morning, and said, "I see you been out drinking again!"

"No, no," he protested. "What makes you say that?"

"The pub called," she said, "You forgot your wheelchair again!"

hope this hasn't been posted yet, haven't read the whole thread.....

an older gentleman gets on a subway in new york. he makes his way to the back of the car and finds a vacant seat, sits as the train makes it's way to the next station. at next stop, the gentleman is sitting, minding his own business when a young man about six foot six boards the train. the young man, in his 20's moves to the back of the back of the car, and is standing opposite where the older man is sitting.

the older man observes the new passenger, so tall, dressed head to toe in black leather. his head was shaved into a mohawk that had been colored bright yellow, down his back hung a long blue ponytail. he sported a wooden ring in his nose, and a large, brightly colored feather earring in his left ear. as the older gentleman is taking all this in, the younger man is staring him down.

finally the younger man says, "what's the matter, old man, didn't ya ever do anything WILD in your youth??"

the older man replies, "why, yes, actually. when i was about your age i had sex with a parrot, and i was thinking you might be my son."

It's the height of the cold war.America are stuck with the problem of how to write in space.They spend over a million dollars developing the zero-g pen,which also got some novelty sucess on earth.
The Russians,when faced with the same problem,used a pencil.

it's the eighth day, creation is finished and God has rested. monday morning he is rummaging through his bag of leftover bits of creation. finding a few scraps, he calls to adam and eve, who come to him.
"well, it seems i have a few leftovers, i can divvy them up between you if you like," God tells them.
adam and eve decide this sounds fine to them and they agree, so God looks into his bag and says,"well, the first thing i have left is the ability to pee while standing up."
upon hearing this, adam gets a smile on his face and becomes excited. "wouldn't that be great!" he says. "i wouldn't have to bother with sitting down! heck, i wouldn't even have to go find a potty! me and the guys could have pissing contests to see who could pee the farthest.....eve, ya gotta let me have this! i could write my name in the snow! i could write your name in the snow!! eve, please.... i gotta have this. just this one thing, please!!"
eve looks at God and says "well i guess if it's that important to him he can have it. it doesn't really matter to me. how could i say no when it's plain that he wants it so badly."
so God gives adam the ability to pee while standing. adam runs off into the garden to practice missing his target.
God looks into his bag again, and looking back to eve says, "well, eve, looks like all i have left for you then is multiple orgasm..."

Here's a clean one for a vhange.
Little Tommy was a rabbit and his mother told him not to play on the railway line.
He did of course and one day a train came along and cut his tail off.
His mum sent him back to get it so she could sew it back on again - the train came back and cut his head off!
The moral - never loose your head over a little bit of fluff.

my last one was clean!

for comparison, try this:

how many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?



ten little piggies
two calves
an ass
a beaver
and a dead fish no one can find


the former was definitely clean

There's an Irishman sat in a pub, who gets spotted by three Englishmen at the other end of the bar.
The first Englishman says to his mates "Watch this. This is how to really wind up an Irishman"
He goes over and says "Here, that Saint Patrick of yours... I heard he had a liking for the young boys!"
The Irishman casually looks up from his crossword (or whatever) and says "Well now, is that a fact?" and pays the man no more attention.
Perplexed, the first Englishman returns to his friends. "Can't shake that one" he said.
"You just haven't got what it takes" says his friend. "Listen to this".
He goes over and says "That Saint Paddy of yours... I heard he was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up at him and says "Well, I learn someting new every day"
Englishman number two heads back to the other end of the bar and says "Sorry, you were quite right. He's untouchable".
"You're both useless," said the third Englishman. "Watch and learn"
He goes up and says "That Saint Patrick of yours..."
"Yes?" says the Irishman.
"...I heard he was English!"
"Sure enough" says the Irishman. "That's what your two friends were trying to tell me"

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A Rubbish truck.
Nuknuk.

*shoots himself*

There's a man lost in the desert.He's been lost for many days,without food or water. After hours of crawling on his hands and knees, when he's close to unconciosness, he sees a building in the distance. Slowly and painfully, he drags himself to the building, to see that it's a pub. He staggers in, falls across the bar, and croaks, please! Somebody! I'll do anything for a glass of water! The barman looks him over, and snickers to himself. I'll have some fun with this bloke, he thinks.
"O.K mate, you can have anything to drink, anything at all, if you first drink the contents of that spittoon over there". The man looks at the spittoon. There are flies swarming round it, maggots crawling in it. The regulars in the pub are keeping a wide berth.
Without a word, the man goes over to the spittoon, and picks it up.
"Nah, nah, I didn't mean it!" shouts the barman.
The man lifts the spitoon to his lips. Flies are buzzing away, and several of the regulars are looking slightly green around the gills.
"Honestly, mate, have what you like!" shouts the barman, but by now the man has begun to drink. The barman begins to heave, and cries;
"please, please stop!" The man continues to drink. Eventually, he puts the spittoon down, wipes his mouth, and says "Please! Water!"
The barman rushes over, gives him a glass of water. "Iwas only joking, why didn't you stop?" he asks.
"Well,"replied the man,"I tried. But it was all in one big lump"...

And I thank you. Should I ever have the need to induce vomiting without the aid of syrup of ipecac, I shall repeat this, the grossest joke I have ever heard. Or ever will, since the mere mention of a spittoon henceforth will send me barreling for the bathroom.

How can you tell a Palm Beach, Gore supporter in a fight?





He's the one punching the wrong guy.

Glad you liked it!
Here's another one, not so sick but a bit rude!
A dustbin lorry is making it's rounds, one week before xmas. They pull up at number eleven, and the driver stays in the lorry whilest the other three dustmen start emptying bins. The door to number eleven opens, and a woman comes out, and beckons to one of the dustmen. He disapears inside, and when he comes out, he tells the others he's just had the most incredible sex ever! Just then, the woman comes to the door and beckons to the second dustman. he disapears inside, and when he comes out, tells the same story as the first, that he's had the most incredible sex ever! The third man is beckoned inside, and tells the same story as the other two, but when the woman comes out again and beckons to the driver, he goes over with a big grin on his face, and is handed a fiver. "Hang on a minute", he says, "How come the other three get incredible sex, yet you give me a fiver?"
"Well," says the woman, "My husband says that since it's nearly xmas, I should tip the driver a fiver, and F**K the rest!"

It made me chuckle.

A guy had a friend who was a comedian.This comedian friend of his brought him to the comedians convention this year.
After the meal,a guy stands up and says "27".Everyone is in fits laughing.Another guy stands up and says "34".Again everyone is busting a gut.
This guy is naturally confused,so he asks his friend whats going on
"Oh,y'see,we all know the jokes so well,we've numbered them"
"oh,can I have a try?"
So he stands up and says "18".Silence.
"Why didn't anyone laugh?" he asked his friend.
"Well,it's all in the way you tell the joke.."
Bud-dum.

what do you call a deer with no eyes?






"no eyed deer"

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?









"still no eyed deer"

what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no testicles?








"still no f**kin' eyed deer!"

if you don't get it, please ask. it really is funny.

and *bonus*! one for free!

what do a divorce in tennessee and a tornado in alabama have in common?


somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer!

On a seasonal note: How did Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

Deep-pan, crisp and even.

(Think about it!)

This post has been removed.

Oh arse, wrong text type for smileys...

John Prescott's a joke, but unfortunately he's not funny, just a fat tosser. Hurrah! smiley sussed!

whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
snowballs!

A guy walks into a butcher,the butcher says to him-"see that meat on the top shelf,bet you £10 you can't reach 'em"
"I won't make that bet"
"why"
"The stakes are too high"


-Whats green and has wheels?
-I don't know
-grass
-what about the wheels?
-I lied about the wheels