h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome to the `Chaps Club` - it`s for all the wallahs and airforce types having a banter at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F75071?thread=135488. All perfectly innocent what. New Chaps and Female chaps quite welcome of course. Splendid ! The chaps are served by a few faithful retainers and flunkeys (Butlers, attendants and manservants) all of an advanced age and diminished mental and physical powers of course. The service from the Club staff is very slow but they are all quite capable of moving at a sedate shuffle in emergencies. Prodigious quantities of gin, Tonic, Ice lemon and Port are available at all times, don't yer know, what ! Regulars have their own favourite leather armchairs to lounge about in infront of a large roaring fireplace - perfect for endless recounting of favourite stories and serious whinges about the state of things and how things aren`t what they used to be in my day, what. Regimental ties are de-rigueur. Quite splendid. Pip Pip !

*having trouble with the tie*
@#!*&^#$@@%*&!

*floats over and drinks a Boag's premium. Wonders how she ever became a "chap-ette". Gets Very drunk, passes out in the corner*

Bally wimmin in the Chaps Club - I say, steady on.... One passed out in the corner cluttering up the place. I say that's just not cricket. Have to get Scrotum - the wrinkled retainer - to remove her to the Ante Room.

Where is he? I can never find that Scrotum when I need him most.

REGIMENTAL TIES?

Does that mean we have to open the doors of the chaps club to Pongoes as well. Damn liberty if you ask me, next thing you'll be offering invites to Jolly Jack Tar!! Bally Matelots - uphill gardeners the lot of them What!

Best I bagsy a nice comfy Chesterfield before they're all taken, the one by the left of the fire place with the view out over the 18th 'll do nicely don't-yer-know, what ho!



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired)

I say Red Dog, is that your sporty litte number parked out in the drive? MG is it, well you'd better move it before the SWO sees it - guts for garters and all that, what.

I'll have a G 'N T waiting for you when you get back.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired)

Jolly good idea, my red friend It will be added to the links in the Hot Spot in no time!! Carry on...

*Guffaws loudly*

Splendid - I see the Filly is feeling a touch squiffy what. Top show ! .

Am stuck out in the colonies with Johnny Foreigner at the mo' but expect to be back in Blightly as quick as you can say El Alamein.

What-ho, old beans!

Had to follow a duff link there, Red dog old chap. Fancy pointing a fellow one way and running off in another, it's just not on, what.

Anyway. All water under the bridge and all that sort of thing. Where're the drinks? Is that waiter forrin? He looks a bit froggy round the ears dontcherknow.

"I say, GARKON!! Deux strong sherries et un paque of cigar-ays over here toot-sweet!"

Bally fellow. Can't get the staff these days...

Ah Inkwash old chap, so sorry about that, memory isn`t what it was since the old gout set in and they built the bypass through the estate. The old man would be turning in his grave if he knew.

Still welcome to the jolly Chaps Club ..... all friendly types, what ! You probably know Bassers over there and the comatose Filly in the anteroom is ex-Rambling. Busterbone and Uncle Heavy will along in two shakes of the gin bottle I'm sure

Now what the deuce is that tie you`re wearing .... wouldn`t be the Cambridge OTC Tiddlywinkers would it ? Haven`t seen one of those since 45 ! Wouldn`t know Strangely Brown, Drippy and Bumfluff would you, eh ? Splendid fellows, last time I saw them ... harrumph, quite, well you know the usual score, then we all got very very drunk. Woke up with a hangover, a dozen traffic cones and the colonels favourite charger .

Now, where is that blasted Scrotum with my G`n`T.

Cor blimey, bless you Guv'nor, here's your drinks Sir.....

<Trips and spills G & T all over Black Dog)

Strewth, I'll go and fetch a clorf to wipe that up.....

Don't worry Sir, I don't think it will stain....

BLAST - Doddering old twerp, can I help you there old chap, bad show and all that.





Good job that wasn't a drop of the old red falling down juice eh, that would have made a dashed mess of the breaches, what what?

If I had my way old Scroters would be shot at dawn - bally good riddance I'd say, but the truth is there are stories of him being a bit of a hero back in the great war don't-ya'-know. The C.O. is honour bound to keep him on till he draws his last breath.

Poppycock and Balderdash I say, let's dispense with the old fella, get some bright young spark in - who knows what you mean when you ask for a spare pillow to be sent up to your room, what ho! Yesss Hmmmmm.



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired)

Well where in blue blazes is the ante room, fellows?!

*will apologize now for my pathetic American attempt at an accent *

I say, do you mean Corporal "Strangely" Brown or Wing Commander Strangely-Brown? One was at the Cambridge Tiddly-Winks finals serving crumpets and the other was my aunt's neice's fiance's dog's trainer.
Got a shrapnel wound in the Great War..or did he inherit that? Well anyway, he wasn't there when the chips were down that I'm sure of! Rum old fellow! Never did get his address... was it him who married the fish-gutter's daughter in Chichester or am I thinking of Lord Cholmondeley's chum?

Where's that damn ante room?

Where`s the blasted G`n`T`s more to the point. What has things come to when a Chap can`t get a drink in his club. Dash it all - will have to have a word with the committee and all that about the starf here. This is worse than ladies day at Goodwood.

SCROTUM - where the blazes are you man !

*harrumpph*

Quite, anyhow old man yes I do recall it was Norfolk line of the Strangely-Browns. Queer family by all accounts, actually paid their servants or some foreign practice like that.

The devil you say! Paid their servants?! That is unheard of!

Where is that bloody ante room?!

Harrumph!!

Probably din't beat them either.

Harrumph!!!!

Quite

Now then, where were we. Yes the blessed Anteroom, now let me think. AHHHHH yes of course !! It`s over there in the corner, just past the fireplace and a tad before you get to the snooker room.

Just follow the snounds of the snoring Filly. Don`t tarry overlong old boy. Splendid

Now did I ever tell you Chaps about my time in the Colonies eh ! I can look back and tell you that there were only one foreign type who gave us a damned good run for our money and that was Johnny Turk. You`ll hear some chaps say that the Zulu or the Fuzzy-wuzzy could put on a bit of a show, but that is patent nonsense, as anyone who was actually there could tell you.

Look - would you believe it I`m dry again . Better make that a double this time Bassers old bean. Cheers.

My round again? Just like bally London Busses, wait around for ages then two of the blighters come along at once.....

*Hurrummmmph*

Best not ask Scrotum... One could die a slow painful thirsty death. I'll fetch 'em m'self - what!

Is it time for Tiffin yet?



Squabbling Bleeder Bassman (Retired)

Spelndid, Bassers, that`s the show. What ! Quite. .

Now where the deuce has Bassers got to all of a sudden ? What an infernal nuisance. I may actually have to get up an go to the bar myself of all things.