h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

But unbeknown to Ford this sector of the galaxy has an exclusion order placed on it by the planning department at Alpha Centauri, following up on plans they have held for the past 35 years, unless they receive any objects from representatives of the planet Earth, the planned restructure of this sector will take place in 15years as scheduled........Therefore, no response from the sub-etha sensamatic....so he drank the tea instead.

Paula asked him if he would like a biscuit.

Ford back away from Paula quickly as in Betelgeussian, "biscuit" translates bizarre sex act performed by Vogons, Ford started to wonder what with all the poetry thing whether Paula had ever been abducted by aliens.

(actually Paula's poetry ablity was part of the code set up by Deep Thought and a book of her collected poems was due to be published in 15 years time which would have been a catalyst to a profound change in human thought.....but those dam Vogons)

During all this, Dirk had been quietly observing Ford - finding him to be quite the strangest person he'd ever met, including himself - an honour indeed!

"I must go now" Dirk said Ford" I have other clients that demand my attention, you will be safe here for now and I am sure you will get along with Paula just fine".........Ford had a deep seeking feeling that can only be discribed as The Long Dark Teatime of The Soul

Much like many other men of his age and upbringing, Ford had a deep seated dread of being left alone with a strange woman - his mouth would dry up, his normally free-flowing speech would stutter to a halt and his hand started to shake uncontrollably, often leading to a severe spillage of the drink he was holding.

As she clean up the mess made by Ford spilling his tea, Paula asked Ford if he would like to watch some telly, not sure what she was talking about he agreed.She turned the TV on, it was an episode of Doctor Who(the one where the Cybermen had invaded earth)

Ford nearly jumped out of his seat in astonishment, claiming that the lead Cyberman was the spitting image of his old High School teacher.

Paula was worried by this remark, then it occured to her that it was still Thursday and that Doctor Who was only broadcast of Saturdays.....the Cyberman that looked like Fords High School teacher started to speak "Ix you are in great danger, the Praxibetel think it was you that......" his head exploded and the screen went blank

Ford decided he had better get out of there quick.

He leaped the sofa in one bound, grabbing his satchel as he went.

Paula had never had much luck with men so she decided it was futile to try and stop Ford from going so she wrote a short verse instead about her Lost Love

I pang my halibut with horlick prunes
Tid cord inflates of kibbling pools
Synartic frames should harkle me
Cripping forthish to flake my plutter
Did sass you hoopy Ford Prefect

Meanwhile Ford had managed to hitch a lift on the back of a milkfloat in Greenbridge high street

"Wait!" yelled the Dork formerly known as Svlad, running behind the cart. "I almost forgot to tell you that..." Sadly at this point he had well overtaken the milk float and his voice was difficult to hear at such a range.

Ford turned around to wave at Dork, but when he turned back, he noticed that the milk man was pointing a rather large, nast looking gun at him

Ford felt that this was it, he was about to meet his end on a usless planet surroundedby bottles of white unalcoholic liquid, he couldn't even die blind drunk, then the Milkman said " Oh sorry to startle you, there is a squeak in the back axle and I was just going to fix it with this grease gun"...Ford fainted

When he came to, he was surprisingly disappointed at the lack of a hangover, and waited out the few blissful moments before everything came back to him.

He decided he had better get his act together since he seemed to be stuck here for the time being, first he would have to find somewhere to stay that didn't involve poetry or crazy pizza eating detectives, the milkman at this point had finished greasing his axle turned to Ford and jokingly said"now then, I bet thats the first time you've been in the Milky Way..HaHa, get it you know all the Milk and fainting and that" "No" said Ford"I did a 4 parsec hyperjump through it last night"

Poor sod, said the milkman. You've obviously got a mental problem.

Ford agreed with him, and leapt onto the back of a passing perfectly normal beast, riding off into the distance.

Which was difficult, seeing as there was a whole heard of them stampeding, which had killed the milkman shortly afterwards.