h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(So, supposing on this safe house, we can't bring Arthur in yet, eh? Just clarifying...)

(it takes another ten years before we can introduce Arthur. Ford's on Earth for 15 years, he's known Arthur for 5 or 6.)

(Right, that's what I thought, so, no Arthur. Ok, thank you.)

Dork led Ford to his car and said"Now we must find someone to follow, whoever they may be will lead us to the safe house, this is based on my belief that everything is interconected"

Ford looked at Dork like he was crazy, then decided he was, then decided it was actually the sanest thing he;d heard all night, and shrugged. All he wanted was to avoid another Ford Prefect.

But as they drove off Dork said" I feel that the car in front on us now is certain to be the one to lead us to the safe house"......it was a Ford Prefect....Ford groaned

Dork quickly stepped aside in case it was another puke-attack.

(which was difficult to do in his car , but as he had quite a big foot well so he should still be to able to step aside)
"Now then Ford, you will pleased to know I have set up a cover for you as an out of work actor, if anyone asks, just wave this copy of Godspell at them and say your inbetween productions"....Ford groaned again

Dork had no more room in his footwell, so he stayed put and asked, "Can't stand Godspell either, eh?"

Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings looked into her rear view mirror of her Ford Prefect, she was worried, the car behind seemed to be following her. Her evening already had not been good, her poetry recital at the community hall had not gone down very well.

She slowed to a halt immediately, forcing Dork to hit her rear bumper. Deep down in her subconscious, she couldn't help but feeling, that in all the interconnectedness of things, that was somehow sastifactory as revenge on those who suffered from internal hemhorraging to escapre her reading.

Neither Dork or Ford where wearing seatbelts, but the collision was only slight so they avoid becoming part of the current Jimmy Saville clunk click everytrip adverts. slightly dazed, Dork got out to confront the driver.



foot note.... it would appear that there is a spelling errors in the previous line, but "hemhorraging" and "escapre" come from one of Paula's lesser known ditties "Ode To A Rabbit With Acne"

Dork prepared himself my threatening he had a good lawyer, even though he in fact was only enemies with a good lawyer, and he hoped it counted as close enough.

But before he could say anything he was confronted by Paula who had started crying and said"Why are following me, I've had a terrible day, oh why are Thursdays are always like this"....."Well"replied Dork"You seemed to know where you are going and if you like I will have a word with this God I know about this Thursday problem you may have"


(it was at this point that Ford decided to send an update to the Guide for the planet Earth, as follows Ford knew that the Guide editors where likely to trim that down a bit)

But of course, had he or even the editors known of the poetry of Miss Paula, earths description would have been updated to something akin to "Mostly harmless, but avoid community hall poetry sessions on pain of death. Scratch that, on pain of your intestines suffering explosive decompression leading to death." Then again, editors are lazy, so it probably would have been left at "Mostly Harmless", costing countless thousands of innocent poetry lovers their lives.

(it must be also pointed out that because of Fords report to the Guide on Paula's poetry, that she did for a short time{15years} hold the title of the Worst Poetry in The Universe, it was because of this fact that Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz volunteered for the demolishition contract for the planet earth in order to try and re-establish himself as the second Worst Poetry in The Universe.)

"but enough of this idle chatter"said Dork" My friend here is in urgent need of a safe place to stay, my instincts tell me you have a force about you that will protect him from harm" Paula looked at Dork perplexed and replied" but the only thing I am any good at is my poetry"

(Nice little tidbit to mention: In the original version of the Radio Series, the worst poet was Paul Neil Mill Johnston of Redbridge. As it happens, there is REALLY a Paul Neil Mill Johnston, and he writes peotry too. Naturally, this had to be changed.

Dork mutterered something under his breath to the effect of, "Your poetry makes an excellent defence mechanism."

at this point Ford got out of Dork's car and staggered over to see what was going on, Paula looked across at him and thought"corrr!! he looks nice, he's just out of this world, I wonder if I could woo him with one of my love sonnets"

BTW fellow thingites bad news:

them f***ing th-r-d-yites are beating us in "the busiest conversations" list at the front page. CAN WE ACCEPT THIS UNCHALLENGED???