h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well not so much a herd but six Aberdeen Angus Bulls and it was not accident that they had escaped from a cattle transporter

A mile away, Dirk held a chain loosely in his hand while leaning against the backdoor of a cattle trailer, whose left rear tire had gone flat. He whistled as he swung it in a playful manner, then dropped it as he began walking after Ford.

Meanwhile, Ford was NOT enjoying himself.

Despite having been a Hipposaurus Rodeo champion at school he could not quite get the hang of these beasts and this was not the usual type of Horn that Ford liked to experiance......the milkman who was not dead stood up a little dazed(we wouldn't want Dirk responsible for a murder would we)

The milkman, by some strange curious coincidence, was called Austin Healy (another type of old British car for non-Britlanders), but this was less to do with him making a poor choice of names to use as a cover, than his parents experimenting with mind altering drugs in the 1960's, and naming him in the American Indian style, after the first they they saw after his birth - a worse fate had befallen his younger brother, Two Dogs Mating.

The humble milkman used his amazing animal training skills (taught to him by his brother, who was fascinated by animals- especially dogs sorry ), and tamed the beasts surrounding ford.http://www.h2g2.com/h2g2/skins/brunel/images/buttons/ok.gif
OK

Ford climbed off the beast and jumped aboard a passing train which just happened to be going to Cambridge.

He decided that since he was going to use the cover of being an out of work actor then he should take a look at the script to Godspell Dirk had given him, he became so engrossed that didn't notice the other two men in the carriage dressed in black suits and wearing sun glasses.

(Reaper Man!

What's your full name?

One Man throwing a bucket at two dogs. I'm better of then my brother!

Why? Was he called two dogs fighting?

What he wouldn't give to be called to dogs fighting!)

(no more stupid named-after-the-action-of-dog-jokes)

Ford noticed that someone had scribbled jokes about the actions of dogs on the back of the Godspell script(they where not very good), the two men in black suits where now standing either side of Ford, one of them was speaking into his sleeve, Ford looked up and gave them a smile.

One guard turns to Ford and says,"Mr Schwartzannegger,(spelt rong i ThinK sorry) we told you not to leave without us guarding you!"

Mr Schwartzannegger was in fact a pseundnonym a visting alien called Veet Voojagig had choosen thinking it inconspicuous, he was on earth doing researching for his doctorate in Birotonics, as it happens he had now left the planet catching a lift with the Teaser that Ford had arrange with, since Veet looks very similar to Ford the Teaser did not question it, so left leaving Ford stranded. The Men in Black are secret goverment agents who became interested in Veet when all there office biro's started disappearing. Ford has stopped smiling.

According to the guide, it turned out that the biros, along with randomly chosen odd socks, had all been inexplicably kidnapped by a passing spaceship, piloted by the young alien playboy set that Ford had so desperately wanted to join when he was younger, but his parents hadn't been rich enough to buy his exams, and he'd had to work for them himself. Of course, he passed with flying colours, but whilst studying so diligently, he'd missed out on a large part of his youth, and not learned how to have fun the expensive way, and therefore didn't possess the necessary savvy and attitude to join the playboy set when he graduated from college.

The train pulled into a station and Ford was escorted off by the men and led to a waiting black limousine, "where are you taking me" asked Ford "back to New York of course" replied the one of the men "you have the project to complete" Ford decide to go along with these tap-heads until he could figure a way to escape, besides this York place sounded pretty cool since it was New.

He might even be able to pick up a pair of shoes there.

Mean while Dirk was in his car feeling very guilty about losing Ford, he was being paid a lot of money to look after him and besides he quite like the guy, so he decided to follow the next car that passes and see what develops, just a black limo goes speeding past so Dirk follows it

Natuarually it was the right one, but sadly it was also part of a convoy of black limos, unbeknowst to Dirk that were picking up many visting aliens and transporting them to the mysterious 'New York' to be retrained as taxi drivers. Ford who did in fact know this, having just been informed of it, was scribbling a note on the back of his Godspell script as advice to other aliens to put in the Guide at a later date. He being the professional that he was.
Dirk howver living in happy blissful ignorance, continued to follow the limo, unperturbed by the dozen or so identical ones surrounding him.

Dirk turned on his radio, it was one of his favourite programmes 'Im Sorry I Haven't A Clue' Willie Rushton had just started a game of Mornington Crescent with the Oxford Circus opening gambit, Dirk was one of the few you understood the rules of the game completely since they are based on Quantum Holistic Continunity, therefore he knew Barry Cryers next move would be........but just then the Limo in front stopped suddenly and Dirk hit it

suddenly, everything went black.