h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

time seemed to be dragging, would Ford ever be able maintain his insantity, nobody it would appear cared anymore

In the mean time the universe imploded a little, and ejected its less important bits...

Ford felt that there was something important he had to do, he could only remember it was something to do with making friends with a particular earth life form

Ford awoke with a start. This was it, the beginning of a new adventure. He knew exactly what he had to do. He stood up, and purposefully strode towards the exit...

as he tried the door he realized it was locked, why would anyone want to stop him from leaving this particular building?

one of the pleasure, in fact the only pleasure of being stuck on Earth was to watch the old Black and White Movies, now here he was locked in the dark deserted cinema

Ford woke with a start and looked around him with a spark of wonder and joy, but then slumped back into the cinema chair as he realized he was still stuck on Earth and worst still had been in a deep sleep for over five months, so whaat had now woken him from his hibernation, wa sit because he felet a cold chill in the air or the strange sound coming from the projector from behind, no it was the large..........

...bluebottle that was buzzing around his head, angrily flapping it's wings.

This was no ordinary bluebottle, it was the size of a small bird, and looked decidedly unfriendly.

it seemed to be making a strange almost vocal sound, Ford speculated as to what it could mean

"dentkilldentkilldentkilldentkill"

after several months of nothing happening, Ford decided things seem to be pretty save on this unremarkable planet, what could possible go wrong surely no other live forms would ever be bothered about it, so must just make the best of it until a passing spaceship can provide a transport to an exciting party somewhere

Just then the tripple bellied gastrapod, Bob, swung by and picked Ford up taking him to the nearest party planet - Which was quite fortunate really because the planet that he had just been on was seconds later eaten by a giant space chicken... which got indigestion.

it was then that Ford woke up from this nightmare to discover that he was still after seven years still stuck on this crummy planet, just then the fire exit of the cinema opened in walked a familiar figure, Ford had this horrible sinking feeling that things where about to get a bit nasty

It was Alfie the Chicken farmer, who was secretly the Overlord of the Entire Universe. Ford and Alfie had fought many times in the past, and now, Ford thought, this must be the final battle. It appeared Alfie wanted a word with Ford...

"Hey Ford, hows it hanging...look don't look so worried I'm here to tell you something which will be of mutual benefit to both of us"...Ford stood ready armed with his towel and answered.....

"Look, can I have a drink? If we're going to get into any major discussions, I need to be in the right frame of mind to handle it"....

sure OK, what's your poison (hi Murray long time no hear, I thought this story was long lost)

"well, what I'd LIKE, is a nice tall Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, or indeed two or three; but I've yet to find one on this benighted flyspeck of dirt. So I'll settle for a Gin and Tonic....

..."look Ford forget the drink, I have something important to tell you about your future on this crummy planet, in eight years time....SPLONK!!!!!....arrrrgghhhhhh!!!! Ford spun around to see a dark figure carrying a cross bow disappear into thin air

"Oh ZARK!" Alfie exclaimed, looking at the shaft buried in his chest, "who is going to rule the Universe now? Belgium this hurts!"
Ford went into the sort of alert crouch he had seen on too many TV shows since he landed on the Earth, and wondered if he should help his old nemesis, or find whomever had shot him and buy HIM a drink....

as the immortal Alfie lay not dying on the floor he manged to splutter a few last words before remembering he could not be killed..."Forrrd Fo...listern,,,itt'sss vital you make friennnd's with an earthman na...named Artth........De......." then against all the laws of nature he died of over acting