h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*GL sits at his desk, reading the latest Harry Potter novel. Thinks about how useful some of those potions would be ... *

*Rides in on a bicycle. Rings his bell. (No particular reason, other than to look amusing.)*

Here you are, Garius! Those brownie samples you wanted.
*tosses a paper bag into G's lap. Garius can't help noticing it is quite a bit lighter than he would expect.*

Sorry *sheepish grin*
You can work with a coconut covered brownie, can't you (Coconut - yuk!)

*Puts down book and takes paper bag.*

Thanks. I couldn't believe it when I heard those rumours and knew we needed these samples to prove it one way or the other. I'll start analysing them right away.

Um ....Chrome? Your eyes. I've never seen pupils so big.

It's OK, Garius. I'm just fine.
*suddenly his head twitches. he drops to the floor. looks around cautiously. sniffs the air.*

Can you hear it? The great elephant is coming!
*stands up and beats his chest*
I faced you once in The Cafe Nervosa, I'll face you again!

Here, Chrome. Have some pizza, quick. And some nachos.

Always does the trick for me.

Just don't use the pizza marked "Test 526261". Don't.

*Opens the bag, takes a few crumbs (with a tweezer) and places it in a vat of some strange chemical*

Okay, *this* crumb doesn't have any mind-altering substance in it, unless you count an extremely faint alchoholic residue. That, of course, prooves nothing as the maker of the brownies may have been drinking and spilled some, and the fact that some people use mild alchohol in cooking.

*Glances at Chrome twitching on the floor, muttering strange things*

Okay, I'm sure he gets exposed to this kind of thing all the time. Possibly an allergic reaction to a bug of some sort.

Anyway, we've got a big job ahead of us, GL. This'll be fun, but let's not jump to conclusions. No evidence yet that Chrome is twitching madly due to something in the brownies.

*Sets up a new test, that can detect nearly every form of narcotic, halucinagenic, drug, or any other mind altering substance that is known*

That should take a few hours to get some decent results. How's Chrome doing?

*Chrome is now guzzling down pizza. He has a severe case of "The Munchies".*

*Looks up. Says:*
Try the icing on the top, just below the coconut. That sure does look suspect! *grins. resumes eating.*

*GL goes to check the analysis machine. Finds it quietly humming to itself. Taps on side of machine. No response. Knocks on side of machine. No response. Thumps side of machine with fist. Humming stops, display reads: "Peace, man. Pass the brownies." Humming resumes. GL recognizes the tune: Alice's restaurant.*

Oh oh. I think this machine is malfunctioning. Looks like we will have to do the tests one at a time now.

*GL scrapes away some of the coconut to reveal an icing layer that is rainbow-coloured, like an oil film on water. GL takes a sample and puts it in an older analysis machine.*

This is going to take much longer, I'm afraid.

Hey, at least it's something to keep us occupied. I mean, other than this and the pan-dimensional safari, it's been pretty quiet around here.

*Sees the manilla folder he keeps forgetting to take to the Space Center Courtroom*

Okay, today. I'll have to do this *today*.

*Suddenly the door to the lab is knocked off its hinges. In the doorway stands a 50ish matronly looking woman wearing a flower sprigged dress, dainty white gloves and a hat with a tiny veil. She is gripping a double barreled machine pistol equiped with a laser sight that is dancing a red light over the astonished faces of GL and Afgncaap5.*

Hands up, you two. Where are they? I'm asking you one time in a nice way. Where are the Holy Brownies? ~menacingly~

*Gw7en peeks over Mari-Rae's shoulder*

I don't think she's kidding, guys.

*quietly goes back to setting up the morter - just in case...*

G7

~still humming 'Light my Fire'~

*Smiles and holds hands over his head. He flexes the wrist that has his wristwatch, and it emits a stun blast at Mari-Rae, causing her to drop the weapons. Before it can be picked up, he pushes a button on the wall that causes security guns on the wall to shoot all of the weapons the two church members carry, and nets fall from the ceiling onto them. Then, a dozen very large security robots crawl out of the wood work, surrounding the people*

Now then, let's not have any violence. I may be a mad scientist, but I will *NOT* tolerate any kind of violence *IN THE LAB*! Besides, violence never solved anything. Er, well it doesn't solve most things. Okay, maybe it does, but it won't solve this thing!

As for the brownies, you may have them back when they have been tested (as per the requests of the Police). I'm sorry that we have to keep the religious artifacts from their place, but that's the way it is. Now, these robots will escort you out of the building, and release you from the security nets, and we will feel much mroe obligated to talk to you if you come in without any form of weaponry. Oh, but you can have this one. We've finished the test on this one, and it's clean.

*Solemnly hands a very delicious looking brownie to Gw7en, and the twelve security robots pick up the intruders and carry them away, not to just outside the testing room, not just to outside the building, not to just outside the complex, but to outside the Crater. When they are put on the edge of the Crater, a call box is set up, the nets are cut off, the robots return to the buildings, and Snowzar Forcefield (will freeze anyone who touches it for an hour, and sends them forty feet away)is activated, keeping anyone from entering or leaving the Crater. Just for safety precautions, the access tunnel from the Aroma Cafe is also closed until the testing is over*

Oh, sorry Kheldar, we symlposted, so I didn't see you there. You don't look armed, but I'm afraid you'll have to be removed as well. Safety first, you know.

*Points the wristwatch at Kheldar, waves goodbye, pushes some buttons, and teleports him to just outside the forcefield (thanks to a handy hole in the top of the field, and a passing CLI satelite put there, just for that purpose*

How dare you detain my followers in any way! I demand an apology and the return of the Holy Brownies now! There is not now nor never has been anything inbued in these Brownies that is illicit! The Police also do NOT have jurisdiction over my church!

This has all the makings of police bribery looking for votes. I shall not stand for this!.

Holes in force fields. How fascinating.

_________________________________________________
....................................Amy the Ant.......................................
.....................................Taking the........................................
......Protection, Intelligence and Security Services........
.....................................seriously..........................................
__________________________________________________


*leaves before anyone in CLI can do anything about it*

Marv, how good to see you! You do have my apologies, be sure of that. I'm doing this only because the police have requested it. But sure, you can have all of the brownies that we know for a fact do not have anything illicit in them. Personally, I think that looking for these illegal substances is a waste of our time, police time, and your time, so I just wish to finish it ASAP. Here's the latest twenty that we've cleared.

*Hands a tray to Marv*

We're still testing the others, sorry. But we should be done soon. Now, if you'll excuse me please, we must finish our work.

*Bustles Marv, Chrome and everyone out. Closes the door, and sighs*

Let's hurry. I hate being public enemy number one of a church. I wonder when they'll start using the call box to politely request that we let them back in? But until then...

*Pushes some buttons, and completely seals the room off*

We should have enough air in here to finish the experiments. Now, let's get to work: we're about half way done! Let's get these brownies back to the church ASAP!

*Starts to rigorously test the yummy looking brownies*

*Outside, Chrome begins to push the button on the call box. Being stranded outside a crater with a lot of people who are extremely annoyed with him for confiscating their brownies is not the best thing that can happen to anyone --*
-- Even when you're packing serious heat!

*Realises he said one of the silent bits aloud.*
Err, not that I am packing serius heat ... umm...