h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*phone rings, answering machine kicks in* Affy? GL? Are you there? This is Redbeard. Listen, I know you're busy, but could you stop by my ship -- the SS Redbeard -- sometime soon? I found something strange, and I'm not sure what to think. http://www.h2g2.com/F40621?thread=69194 Thanks. Oh, and do you know a good veterinarian?

*Looks at answering machine and wonders why no one ever leaves a message. Looks closely and notices that the message tape is not at the beginning.*

Strange. Looks like someone left a message, but the little red light isn't on.

*Pushes the rewind button and listens to Redbeard's message.*

Oh dear. I hope it wasn't urgent.

*Quickly inspects answering machine and finds the little red light was burnt out. Replaces it and runs over to Redbeards ship.*

*Walks in with the new part for the testing machine.*

Darn snailmail.

*Begins fixing the machine so that the final tests on the final brownie can take place*

What's that funny smell?

Never mind. It's just the brownie. I forgot to put it back in the fridge while waiting for the part. It's natural brownie fragrance has, um, intensified. That's all. And don't worry about the green colour. That's just more of that green furry stuff that we are testing. It seems to have, well, spread.

*Picks up brownie with tongs, leaving behind a damp spot with a fringe of green on the counter. Puts brownie in testing machine. Pushes start button. The machine hums for a while, then spits out a piece of paper. GL reads the printout.*

Hmmmmm. This is bad.

Men need a chemical analyser to determine what any woman with her own kitchen could tell them with a glance. That is a mouldy brownie. It was once edible but no longer is. It has gone to join the legions of decomposed brownies. What was brown and beautiful is now green with disgusting grayish white furry patches. What was crumbly and fragrant is now crepuscular and revolting.

That is an ex-brownie.

Ewwwwww. Crepuscular. (always wanted to use that word )

*Ahem*

No, no ... it's just pinin' for the fjor...um, altar.

*looks at printout again*

Well, it's not good. The test show that the brownie is full of toxic organic chemicals. Anyone eating it would get very sick. This wasn't what we thought we might find at all.

*look puzzled for a minute.*

You know, this IS consistent with the effects of a colonization by, ahem, mould.

(pause)
Well, I'd better replace it, then

*looks around behind counter*
Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parro...

um, sorry - wrong script for a moment there.

*Exits and heads to the CLI kitchen.*

I know that worship the Brownie, but I never thought to meet one that is sentient in this realm of life.

Has anyone tried talking to the mold yet? I've been told that some kinds can be quite loquacious.

G7

*GL comes back from the CLI kitchen with a smoking pan containing the charred black remains of some sort of baked goods.*

Well, a pastry chef, I'm not.

*Thinks for a minute*

Aha. I know where I might be able to get a replacement brownie.

*Exits and heads up the stairs*

*A few minutes later, the crepuscular brownie climbs out of the testing machine and heads for the door.*

*GL rushes in, steps on the crepuscular brownie and slides half way across the floor, arms flailing, until finally falling backwards onto the floor with a thump.*

Ow.

*Ampton steps forward and extends an arm, calculating the inertial forces automatically to catch the parcel Garius was carrying with a delicate swoop that leaves the parcel unharmed*

*the misshapen crepuscular brownie hobbles on out the door, just missed by Lil on her way in*

Garius, you OK?

*helps GL stand back up and dusts him off. Then looks at the trail of greenish crumbs left by the brownie*

Well, that's something you don't see every day...

G7

*sniff sniff*

I don't think that's quite edible anymore....and I think it just winked at me!

Ampton, may I have that packet?
*checks contents of small package and realises what Garius's intentions are*

Um, as you're here ... Garius was going to bring you some fresh brownies that my maidbot Matina just made to my recipe. As a replacement for the crepuscular brownie that just escaped. My brownies are very edible. I hope that will be adequate compensation for the runaway.

Are all the church brownies as frisky as that?

only when improperly stored.


Yum!

Yes, yes, exactly right, Lil. Those brownies are replacements for that, um, other brownie. Sorry for the delay. Glad you notice that the force field had been lifted and came in.

I think that since Mr. Crepuscular there was the last brownie, we can now report the conclusion that the church's brownies contain no illicit substances - they are in the clear. I'll write up a report and deliver it to the Police and announce the results to the Scandals thread immediately. Thank you for your patience.

*The brownie pokes a greenish corner around the door frame and addresses GL*
Next time watch where yer goin', bud.

*Peregrin wanders by to see what's going on*

Not still investigating the poisoning are you? You're thorough, I'll give you that.

When you've got time, could you analyse the weird white scum that's crawling across my table? I'd like to know its origins, and whether it's intelligent or not. If not then I'll scrub it off, but I'd hate to destroy an intelligent culture.

We'd be happy to help, Peregrin. Do you have a sample, or would you like us to come and get one?

I'll take a photo of it with my webcam and give it to you. The webcam doubles as a chemical sampler and subatomic analysis centre.

Hooray! We are proved innocent!

Thank you for the Brownies, GL and Lil. They look delish!

G7