h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Walks up to Chrome and whacks him a good one with her purse. Whacks him again, and pushes him away from the call box. Punches the button labeled Lab.*

~Sweetly~ Er, Hello? Yes, um, I'm late for work there in the lab? Could you let down the force field and let me in, please? I don't want to get in trouble for being late.

*Chrome is geting seriously annoyed with the CoTB people. He was acting with the best intentions at heart, serving the community, keeping h2g2 safe, and this is how they repay him! Chrome is not a man to be trifled with. He pulls out a pair of Uzis and blows away the call box. He then draws a bead on mari-rae's handbag and shoots that out of her hand. It lands in a far corner of the room, where it starts ticking.*

Now listen. I am a cop. I make the streets of h2g2 safe for you people. And there is only so much I can ta --

*The handbag explodes in a massive fireball, catapaulting everyone off the rim of the Crater. Chrome and mari-rae land in a smaller crater. Picking himself up, Chrome raises his Uzis.*

Come on, let's settle this Man to, err, woMan!

*The call box buzzes to life*

I heard that, Chrome.

*Her hat is sitting askew on her head, her stockings are torn and laying in shreds around her ankles. She bursts into loud, wailing sobs. Chrome foolishly lowers his weapon. As soon as he does, she springs at his throat, kicking the Uzis out of his grip. In a flash she has Chrome pinned face down with his arm in a hammerlock behind him.*

Don't mess with church ladies. ~hissing in his ear~

*With an amazing effort, he manages to loosen mari-rae's grip for one second -- long enough for him to flip her over. His elbow smashes into her face, and she lets go of his other arm. Springing up, he waits for his opponent's next move.*

Bring it on, sista!

*Is wondering at this point where the heck her fellow Phreds are.*

*Toes a button in her smart patent leather pumps and two little razor sharp knives snap outward. She whirls in place to build up momentum (plus it looks so good), then she leaps and karate kicks at Chrome's head and belly. He deftly moves aside at the last moment, but she succeeds in nicking his little finger. She smiles wickedly at him, so he'll think the blade was poisoned.(just so you won't worry, it wasn't.)

Enough! I do not want any one to besmirch the good name of the CotTB. I have an inquisitor to handle things like this. Now Mr. Chrome, might we be able to have dealing that do not resort to violence? I fear that I cannot be held responsible for what mnight happen if Zed gets here and thinks that anyone has abused any of my followers.

*Rolls in the dust, wondering just how far people will be prepared to go for a brownie. Springs up, flicking a pair of dark shades into place over his eyes. These are in fact Advanced Visual Data Access Systems, and one of the best things he's got. Keying them into millimtre-wave radar, he can see that mari is armed with a variety of weapons, most of which he has never seen before. He'll have to be careful.*

Ah, stuff it!

*Pulling out a pistol, he fires 6 rounds in mari's general direction, just to get her attention.*

*The call-box crackles to life*

You know, this dueling and concealed weaponry is making me more nervous about letting you back in.

*Meanwhile, inside CLI*

Okay, two more brownies are clear. Just nineteen more to go.

*Has a robot put the two brownies into an aritight container (for freshness!) and deliver them outside to the waiting church members. Affy looks outside to make sure that the job is done, calls the robot back, and turns the force field back on before anyone realizes that he turned it off in the first place. Affy begins working on the next brownie*

*Those aren't weapons, they're crochet hooks!!*

Chrome, may I ask you to please refrain from shooting at my followers? You parted my pointy hat. I like my pointy hat.

*Begins giggling at Marv's parted pointy hat. She can't help it, she just dissolves in laughter. Marv looks too silly because he is maintaining his dignity under the hat. She quits the fight, wiping away tears.*

*takes the airtight container with the two brownies*

Thank you very much. Do you really need to test each and every one? They all came from the same batch you know, and its almost time for the service, and there's an insane person out here shooting Mari-Rae because of her crochet hooks, which I suppose could be classified as weapons in the right hands but which in her hands are no doubt used to make wonderful sweaters and afghans and such like.

Or something like that.

G7

*upstairs, in her studio, Lil has been trying to deaf out the noise and get on with her work, but the thumping and yelling and arguig finally makes it impossible to concentrate*

*comes out of studio to find Mindspring sitting up and polishing off a plate of doughnuts*

All my guests have gone; it must be all the noise downstairs. Did they wake you up, Springie. You're -- oh dear. You're eating doughnuts.

*the sloth gambols around Lil's feet and then begins to jump on the furniture*
*Lil crosses over to the foyer and activates the securicam and intercom*

Hey, what's happening down there? Springie has gone and carbo-loaded and she's fixing to tap dance all over the place!

*hears screams near the crater*
*hears her friend Marv downstairs all in a rage*
*screams turn to karate yells out by the crater*

Why couldn't I have located over the teahouse? Mindspring, stop that NOW. *the sloth darts past her, and, using its long claws with surprising delicacy, undoes the latch to the baby gate and darts down the stairs*

Dang! *goes halfway down the stairs to the turn and looks round*

*Mindspring canters out the door in a way that is uncanny to see and heads straight for what she thinks is a bouquet of flowers*
*chittering with happiness, the sloth leaps onto Mari-rae's back and grabs the hat in her teeth*

Oh dear.

EEEEEEEKKK!!!

Mindspring! Fancy seeing you here. And so...active! *quickly hides the brownies, just in case the sloth gets any ideas* Lil, there are still some melons in your refrigerator that may help lure Mindspring back home. We're very sorry for disturbing you, but this chap here *nods toward Chrome* seems to think our Brownies are spiked. He stole them right before a service and now we cannot get them back. Quite disturbing, frankly, especially as it has been postulated that this may all simply be a ploy to discredit us.

Look, Mindspring, a nice watermelon! *points to the door of the Atelier, hoping that sloths have imaginations*

G7

Oh dear! A carbo crazed sloth. This is one of the most facinating things I have ever seen... Umm Lil, I thought that sloths were, you know, ummm slow... I think that we need to keep Springy away from doughnuts for a long time..

*is genuinely grateful that Styx appears to be out*
*runs down the stairs and over to the group*

You lot are in a force field! How did Springie get through? Mindspring, come! I've never had to teach her that command, it's never been an issue. Yes, we usually sprinkle a few crumbs on her greens to keep her perky -- for a sloth -- but she seems to have nobbled a whole dish full. She tap dances, you know. Not often, but she does.

*Mindspring slides down mari-rae's back, still clutching the hat and meeping happily*

Springie, come! *sighs*

I need a good cup of tea. ~shakily~

*a large slice of watermelon seems to be floating down the stairs to Lil. Gw7en is concentrating very hard on it until she hears the sound of a gun barrel being cocked in her general direction.*

Do you mind? *the watermelon wavers in the air but manages to keep from falling. it seems to have consumed too much alcohol, but assures everyone who will listen that it is perfectly ok to drive home, thank you very mush!* This is *not* a weapon, I assure you! It happens to be a slice of watermelon! For the sloth! *the melon becomes more steady as she turns her concentration back to it. It continues its decent until it reaches Lil. then it settles on the step next to her feet, waiting to be used as sloth bait.*

G7