h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

how many blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3, one to hold the light bulb and the other two to spin the ladder

Hi jooliesays.

Just a tip. If you really want to enjoy H2G2, then write yourself a little homepage. That way people can see who you are. The ACES will welcome you then, too.

How many stoners? 2, one to twist it, one to light it up.

thank you, i did rewrite my intro, but how do i post a picture?

When you edit your page, check the 'GuideML' button, and click 'change type'
When it reloads, you can use the line texttext, where xxxxx is the web address of the picture, and texttext is any caption you want underneath (leave it blank if you don't want one).
If you want it to either side of the page so the text wraps round it, add EMBED="left" (or right) after the end of the web address.

For example A fish
would put the h2g2 fishy picture on the right of the page, and the text would wrap around it to accommodate it.
If you want to stop the text wrapping round (for whatever reason) then I just use lots of s to skip to the next line. I'm sure there's an easier way, but I don't know it.

If you want to use your own pictures from your computer, then you'll have to get your own web space to upload the pictures to, so that they have a web address. The best place for this is http://www.geocities.com where you can get about 20Mb of web space for free. It the one I use and seems quite easy.

Phew! I think that just about covers it.

There are lightbulb jokes, and many more, here:
http://www.h2g2.com/A227440

Hi Prez, it's the other President, been away a LONG time.

What's new's? Where's the best forums currently?

Here's my contribution (most of my other lightbulb jokes have already been used)

How many left-wing radical lesbian feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three: One to change the lighbulb, one to shoot a documentary on The Changing Of The Lightbulb and one to write a discourse on the passive role of sockets in a male dominated society...

The same vein:

1. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

TEN: One to change the bulb, and nine to describe how much it looks like a MAC.

2. How many Apple employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

TEN: One to change the bulb, and nine to design the t-shirt.

or 3: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

TWO: One to change the bulb, and one not to change the bulb.

How many premenstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE AROUND HERE COULD POSSIBLY NOTICE THAT THE BULB NEEDED CHANGING. AND EVEN IF THEY DID THEY'D HAVE TO ASK ME WHERE THE DAMN THINGS WERE KEPT, EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE BEEN IN THE SAME CUPBOARD FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS. THEN THEY'D DRAG A CHAIR FROM SOMEPLACE THREE ROOMS AWAY, AND LEAVE THE DAMN THING UNDER THE FIXTURE FOR AT LEAST A WEEK, SURROUNDED BY THE SLEEVE THE NEW BULB CAME IN AND THE OLD BULB UNTIL I FINALLY BREAK DOWN AND CLEAN UP THEIR MESS. AS IF I DON'T DO ENOUGH AROUND HERE, WITH THE LAUNDRY AND THE SHOPPING, AND THE COOKING, AND THE CLEANING, AND GOING TO WORK, AND NEVER HAVING A MINUTE TO MYSELF. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON PUTTING ON A NEW TOILET ROLL......

Why, yes, I am, now that you ask......

My absolute favourite lightbulb joke is...(fill in your own blank)

How many ******* does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three... 'cause they're so damn stupid!

I know, it says a little too much about me dunnit?

Ok people, hows about this one...

How many Polish does it take to change a lightbulb?

2,001...One to hold the lightbulb, 2000 to turn the house

I find this joke highly in contempt of the polish people, who are a good and intelligent people if there ever was one.

I suggest you go and insult another ethnical grouping, like the Flemish people in Belgium. Now THERE´s a people worth making fun of.
Bloody good adversaries.

Lighten up!

yeah well that's easy for you to say, CHEERFUL legendary creature!
bloomin' easy! me on the udder hand, I've got nothing to lighten up about! what's there to like about harmless polish people gettin' all insulted like, an' they don' even know it, cause hardly any of 'em ever come here. I asked 'em, see. I asked 'em if they ever visited H2G2, an' they all shook there 'eds an' plodded on. Damn fine people, them polish, an' I won´t stand for these lightbulb insults!
So there, you high-spirited mythological being!

How many dragons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who needs lightbulbs except for the hoard?

I couldn't have put it better myself!

Thought you might like that one.

'Nonnie

How many labour MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to complain that it wasn't done by a single-parent blind lesbian in a wheelchair.

In case you haven't noticed, single parents are no longer the oddity...

<>

ChildA: At breakfast, Mom and Dad were kissing.. yuk!!
ChildB: You mean your parents actually -live- together?!?



How many single parents does it take to change a lightbulb?

One: I fixed my 'broken marriage' and I can fix this too.

O.K. for the occasional Babylon5-fan :

Q: How many Centauri does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Only one. But there was a time when we had thousands and thousands of slaves to change lightbulbs !

TM.

*sits down with a wry grin, twitches and cleans whiskers, but remains silent* :-X