h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, you asked for it.

Once there was an African tribal chief who was killed while out hunting. The chief only had one son, a child of about 3 years old. The boy was obviously too young to rule, but the tribal elders didn't want the tribal throne to be defiled by use by someone not of royal blood. Doors with locks were thin on the ground, so they decided to hang the throne from the roof of the royal hut. Now the throne was very heavy and one day the roof gave way. Unfortunately the infant king was playing on the floor below, and was killed instantly.

The moral of this story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

AAAAAARGH!

Most of my jokes have that effect on people! That's why I tell 'em!

we're not going out on a limb any more.
now we're just going limp.

There are other forums for other-than-lightbulb-jokes.. somewhere...

cheerful dragon thats nearly as bad as the starwars one.....
k....
im gonna tell it......

darth vader and obi wan kenobi were in a crucial battle when darth pulled obi closer and whispered to him
"i know what your getting for christmas"
shocked obi pulled back muttering "how?"
the evil darth tells him "because i felt your presents"

god that one really is just shit

(you can substitute the name of the firm in this joke to illustrate how poorly run your own place of work is)

How many Kingfield employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - we'll work in the dark until we've got time to fix it.

Does anyone know of any other ongoing joke forums like this one?

what do you call someone who follows musicians around?
A drummer.

Another dreadful joke:

George and Martha were an old retired couple. George's hobby was gardening, and his vegetables regularly won prizes at the local garden show. His cauliflowers, in particular, were the talk of the neighbourhood. Martha's great love was cooking, and the sauce she made for cauliflower cheese was locally famous. Everybody looked forward to being invited to one of Martha's dinners.

One year George excelled himself. His cauliflowers were so big that there was talk of writing to Guinness. Of course, he won the local garden show and Martha cooked cauliflower cheese to celebrate.

It was a disaster! The cauliflower tasted terrible and stained their mouths red. Then George said, 'Martha, your breath smells terrible!' Martha thought that George's breath smelled, too, but she was to nice to say anything.

What could they do? They had loads of these enormous cauliflowers that they couldn't eat, sell or even give away. After a while they decided that they would try to make lipstick, as the cauliflower stained mouths red. It took them some time to extract the chemical that caused the staining, and even longer to find something to combine it with to make the lipstick. Whatever they used, the lipstick would crumble unless handled with care. And they just couldn't get rid of the bad smell.

At last they were finished, but how should they market the product? They would have to say what it was made of, that it had to be handled with care, and that the product would make the user's breath smell. At last inspiration struck. George said, 'We'll put:

SUPER-CAULI-FRAGILE-LIPSTICK-EXPECT-HALITOSIS!!!!!'

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
None - there is no light bulb.

(I think this one has hidden depths.)

a blonde woman goes into an electrical store and asks if she can buy the television....
the shop keeper turns arounf to her and says "didnt you read the sign on the door? it says no blondes..you cant have a television so just leave"
the woman goes home to her mother and cries that they wouldnt sell her the televsion...
her mother tells her to dye her hair black and go in the next day with a suit on to look more respactable....
the next day the woman went into the shop and told the shop assistant
"id like to buy the television right there"
the shop keeper said "youre blonde arent you? you cant have a televiosn"
blondie said "what isnt my money good enough"
and the shop keeper replied "look lady,its a microwave!"

Another crap blonde joke:

Three blondes were stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appeared and said, 'I am your fairy godmother and I will give each of you one wish'.

The first blonde said, 'I want to be a redhead'. So the fairy turned her into a redhead and the redhead built a boat and sailed away from the island.

The second blonde said, 'I want to be a brunette'. So the fairy turned her into a brunette and the brunette built a glider and flew away from the island.

The third blonde said, I want to be a man'. So the fairy turned her into a man and he walked off the island over the bridge.

ive heard that one......
but the way i heard it was thatb three men were trapped on an island and a genie granted them a wish each.....
the first man said "i want to be rich" so he bought a plane and flew from the island
the second man said "i want to have all the knowledge in the world"
so he built a hover craft and left the island
the third man said "i want to be a woman" and turned around, crossed the bridge and left the island

I have a few that loosely tie in with this - hopefully they haven't been mentioned already (didn't have time to read em all.)

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb.
10 - 1 to do it and 8 to watch.
on a similar theme:
There are 3 kinds of mathematicians - the ones who can add and the ones who can't.

An enigeer and a mathematician are in a bus,
They see a black sheep.
"the sheep here are black!" said the engineer.
"No, all we know is that there is at least one sheep here and one side of that sheep is black." returned the mathematician.

Well, that's my bit for this 2:00AM interlude.

Goodday!

How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


2, but God knows how they got in there in the first place.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?


Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement.

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the forementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable direction.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do some the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Well, that about covers it then.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One to notice that there is a problem with the lightbulb, one
to verify that the problem seems to be the lightbulb's lack of light
output, one to discern that the cause of this is the lightbulb's burning out, one to rationalize that something must be done about this or the public will become feisty, one to assure the public that everything possible is being done to rectify the situation, one to write a request for equipment propagation for a new lightbulb, one to put the propagation form in an envelope, one to recieve it, one to sign it, one to get the lightbulb from storage, one to put it in a box, one to send it to the problem's source, one to take the lightbulb out of the box, one to drop it, one to identify the problem
inherent with the new lightbulb as its being broken, one to get a broom, one to get a dustpan, one to get a broom, one to use both implements to sweep the broken lightbulb up, one to assure the public that everything possible is being done to rectify the situation, one to write a request for equipment propagation for a new lightbulb, one to put the propagation form in an envelope, one to recieve it, one to sign it, one to get the lightbulb from storage, one to put it in a box, one to send it to the problem's source, one to take the lightbulb out of the box, and one to screw it into the faucet.

Indeed.



How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sod it, we'll be gone by June.

How many Irishmen?

Feck it, sure we can drink in the dark!

(being Irish myself I can see the funny side.)