h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not a joiner by nature, but this is a fight that needs fought...

I would be proud to be signed up!

- Jimi X

I await your contributions.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Please, please add me to your ranks also. I have a contribution: 'May contain traces of nuts' on a packet of peanuts. I should bloody well hope so!

Also:

'Do not operate heavy machinery after use' on a bottle of under-6 calpol.

I don't know if this qualifies as an instruction exactly but here's my contribution from an advert in a newspaper for 'Time Capsules' You know, the things you bury in your garden, hopefully to be found in the next thousand years:
'Satisfaction Guarantee, If you are not completely satisfied return within fourteen days for a full refund.'
A.M.

I'd like to join this worthy cause too. A particular favourite of mine is those "serving suggestions" you get on food tins and packets -- those tempting pictures that amazing, ultra-imaginative ideas like having CHIPS with your burgers or RICE with your tin of curry!
I've just, seriously, seen a tin of hot dog sausages with a picture of a sausage in a bread roll and the caption "serving suggestion"! Who ARE the visionaries who come up with these suggestions?

Me too, me too

Stupid person dying stupidly:
A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.

Can I join? Can I? Please?

Alright, on stupidity:
1) Instructions on coffee cans
2) That sign on Microsoft CD-ROMs that says something like "Illegal copying is prohibited"
3) On Danish ambulances they've written "Ambulance" backwards on the front, so you can read it when looking in your mirror. They're afraid that people might otherwise think "Oh my god, there's an ebnalucmA behind us."

My school is loaded with asbestos, which can cause health problems if you breathe it in.
Anyway that is very nice.
All over our school people like to point ot the terribly obvious. We have signs everywhere saying: Do not disturb cieling tiles ... or ASBESTOS DO NOT TOCH CIELING TILES
Now, I would think that this would berather obvious. Every year, however, the Faculty makes it perfectly clear on the days of the assemblies (one for each grade) that we are not to be touching the cieling tiles because of the asbestos.
Bye now

Try this on for size.

"FIRE GENERATED FROM THIS LIGHTER MAY CAUSE HEAT."

Any sort of 'serve this with food' suggestions on a bottle of wine; or don't open this with your teeth instructions on Champagne bottles (perhaps this is only on the cheaper versions of champers)

We've actually already got the second one.

Whoops. That should have gone after Bistroist.

Put me on that list too!

How about the instruction to read the ENCLOSED instructions before buying a CLOSED and SEALED container of medicine. Utterly daft, innit?

I'd love to join and contribute my ire! How about

1. tags saying: "under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by the consumer" on pillows and mattresses?
2. computer tech support companies often get calls from people who break their "coffee cup holders" on their computers. They gone and put a cup full of coffee in the CD-ROM drive. -Amazingly- the thing breaks off!

The group I've been trying to join all my life!

The basics are pretty well covered, but perhaps I could suggest adding all those who have been nominated by the Darwin Awards

"The Darwin Awards are given to the individual(s) who remove themselves from the gene pool in the most spectacular and usually hilarious manner. However there is an exception to the requirement to die. If the
individual does not die, however does render him or herself incapable of reproducing they are still eligible for the honor."

There are several places to access these awards. Not sure which is the 'official' site. But a currently active site may be found at
http://members.xoom.com/_XOOM/darwinawards

Typical award winner:
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

Note: Darwin Awards are all supposed to be documented, true accounts of events.

OK, I came up with another one... not sure if it counts.
People makeing fun of people who like something that isn't very popular get upset when they get critized?

Sign me up too!

I hate the thing on the Peperami packet which says "not less than 100% meat" just after saying it contains pork, spices, preservatives, salt and lots of other gunk which clearly isn't meat.

That's ecnalubmA.

I've got a couple more: A man on trial for robbing a convenience store, when he heard the victim of the robbery referred to as a "witness," blurted out, "What are you talking about, some witness? There was only me and her in the store." And another robber got so enraged when he heard the victim describing the crime that he leaped up and shouted "I should've blown your f#&king head off!" [momentary pause] "...if I'd been the one that was there."