h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK not my work, sent to me by a friend but sorry about the fowarding but it's been about a bit:

Watch out when you out for a few on a Friday night..........

Due to increasing products liability litigation, alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wally.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wandering what the hell happened to your trousers.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you can't remember).

> * WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable Rug burns on the forehead.
>
> * WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy.
>
> * WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat ugly
people appear slim and attractive.
>
> * WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
>
> * WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe people are laughing WITH you.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

* WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

OK while I'm here, does anyone know why sometimes when I am editing text such as the above, backspace sometime does what I expect, ie delete the character to the left but sometimes goes to the previous page???

C. Hawke

What browser are you using, and are you on a Wintel machine?

IE5, sort of WINTEL, AMD K6 II. I thought at first I was accidently pressing a modifier key (shift, alt etc) at the same time, but in removing all thos > from the above I realised it was random behaviour. It could however be to quote Microsaft "This Behaviou is by design".

CH

Well, Microsoft is notorious for having products that more or less fail to achieve their desired ends and/or do irrational things at the slightest provocation.

I;m sure there is a forum somewhere for Microsoft speak, but myfavorite at the moment is from there page desribing how North American users can get a free CD upgrade of Office 97 to SR2, it goes on to say that this offer should be in place in other countries however there may be some "Fulfilment Variance"

translation I'll leave to you

aCM

These guys have great legal departments, you know that? They can make it so, legally, if the product fails to perform in the appropriate manner or indeed fails to be in the box at all, it's not their fault.

The thing about the backspace key is that Explorer mainly uses it as a shortcut for the 'Back' button, but lets you use the edit keys for editing when you're in a text box. Basically, if the cursor is flashing in the text box, then your backspace key will delete characters, but if it's not then it'll take you to your previous page.

A couple of reasons why the cursor might have stopped flashing in the text box spring to mind. One is that you may have gone into another application, then back into IE (eg your boss walked past). Another is that you might have inadvertently hit the Tab key. But most likely is that Windows got bored & changed the rules on you just for something to do.

Cheers, helps confirm what I think of software (apart from mine) that it all has a Sureal Setting On/Off somewhere, which allows random unpredictable behaviour, or in MS speak again "This behaviour is by design"

Chris

I'm almost sure that there is some hidden Surrealism-Generator(tm) code in the beginning of every single program file, that flips the coin every time you start the program. -Options being "work fine", "hang computer" and "random behaviour".

Why? Because the more programs you simultaneously use, the smaller are the chances that the computer does everything you want it to do. Right?

adeve
-Is it still paranoia, if they really are after you-

Yes, don't forget Winows 95's "Start in safe mode, but don't tell anybody what safe mode is" option, and Word's "turn off all that formatting you spent hours tweaking" option.

And to avoid being partisan, there's MacOS's "refuse to do anything else until the user inserts the disk she/he just put in the post to someone", and Linux's "move all the information to a different directory than the the one in the documentation" install-time option.

Fairly comprehensive, I think. Oh, I almost missed out PalmOS's "detect when the user is in a hurry, and refuse to download the phone number of the person he/she's going to meet" option.

I think I may use some of them on my "Useless Computer messages" page here:
http://www.h2g2.com/A191152

If you have any other suggestions then please tell me.

Chris

I have an itchy mouse-clicking finger

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.
When I am joined, My name will be at the Roster; http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593985 I will add the club badge to my space, I can find out how here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593949 If I want to preview the badge, the preview page is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593958 The Homepage is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593930

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.
When I am joined, My name will be at the Roster; http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593985 I Should add the club badge to my space, I can find out how here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593949 If I want to preview the badge, the preview page is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593958 The Homepage is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593930

I like Chocolate milk and Cheesecake so can I join the society please

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.
When I am joined, My name will be at the Roster; http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593985 I Should add the club badge to my space, I can find out how here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593949 If I want to preview the badge, the preview page is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593958 The Homepage is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593930

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.
When I am joined, My name will be at the Roster; http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593985 I Should add the club badge to my space, I can find out how here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593949 If I want to preview the badge, the preview page is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593958 The Homepage is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593930

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.

I have
Posted here because I pressed the 'Apply to Join' button to apply to join the Chocolate milk and Cheesecake Appreciation Society.
When I am joined, My name will be at the Roster; http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593985 I Should add the club badge to my space, I can find out how here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593949 If I want to preview the badge, the preview page is at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593958 The Homepage is: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A593930

I have posted here because Chocolate Milk and Cheesecake are ways of life
mmmmm