h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have one-
In a bar at the top of the empire state building there sits 2 guys.They walk outside and look over the edge.
The first guy says to the second guy-"Y'know,I jumped off this roof yesterday"
The second guy replys-"looks like you heal fast.Do I look stuipid to you?"
"But when I jumped ,whichever way the winds are around the building it picked me up from about the 18th floor and put me back"
"uh-huh"
"No really,look I'll show you" So-he gets up and jumps off and ,sure enough,around the 18th floor he gets picked up by wind and deposited back on the top"
The second guy looks at him and says "I Don't belive it!"
"Okay,I'll do it again" So-He jumps again and the same thing happens.
The second guy says-"I gotta try this" So-He walks onto the edge and jumps and....SPLAT.
The first guy walks back to the bar and orders another drink.
Then the barman says "You can be a real B****** when you're drunk,Superman"

2 Cannabils are eating a clown and one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

Bartender looks up, says, "Hey! Did you know we've got a drink named after you?"

Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named 'Steve'?"

Bwahahaha...

Two birds on a perch.
One turns to the other and says;
"Something smells a bit fishy"

The king of england,on his horse, ready to invade scotland,with his army on the border.He sends out a scout to see whats over the next hill.But they spot one lone scotsman on the top of the hill,who yells-"BRING IT ON!!!"
So the king sends out about 10 men to beat him up.
The scotsman says "Yikes" and runs over the hill ,with the men pursuing.
After ten minutes the scotsman reappears and yells "THAT ALL YOU GOT YOU *&^%$£!"
So the king sends a whole regiment and then 15 minutes later the scotsman returns again,and yells "NAHNAHNAHNAH" and lifts his kilt.
So the king sends the rest of his army after him.20 minutes later one solitary soldier returns and tells the king "It's a trap sire-theres two of them!!"
Bud-dum

I was going to say yes but after reading the other messages i guess its no.
OK thats below the beltso try a few of mine

a doctor a computer scientist and an architect were arguing about who's was the oldest profession the doctor said that it says in th bible that god took a rib from adam and with it made eve a great surgical feat so mine is the oldest profession.
the architect says no it says in the bible that before that god made the garden of eden from chaos a great architectorol feat.
the computer scientist says Oh yer were do you think the chaos came from.

my wife as been having trouble with the local peeping tom he keeps knocking on the window and asking her to shut the curturns.

my wife love to sing she was singing last week and to local factories knocked of for lunch

every night my wife covers her face in mud
DOES IT HELP
know i can still tell its her

Here are 3 that involve other races but are, I hope, non-racist.

There was an African chief who was greatly loved by his people. One day, while out hunting, he was mauled by a lion and he died of his injuries. The chief only had one son, an infant, and he had no other male relatives to rule in the child's place. But the people loved their ruler so much that they didn't want his throne to be used by anybody else until the child was old enough to use it himself. What could they do? None of the huts had doors that could be locked. Finally they decided to hang the throne under the roof of one of the huts. Now, the throne was very heavy and the roof was made of grass, and after a time the roof weakened. One day the roof gave way and the throne came crashing to the ground. Unfortunately, the young king was playing on the floor of the hut and was killed by the impact.

The moral of this story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


Two African gentlemen were arguing outside a maternity ward. One was saying, "It is WOM and you spell it W-0-M!" The other replied, "No, no! It is WOOM and you spell it W-O-O-M!" A nurse overheard the argument, approached the men and said, "The word you are looking for is womb, and it is spelt W-O-M-B." As she walked away the men turned to each other and one said, "I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater."


A Red Indian had 3 sons, triplets, and the day came when they reached manhood and were to receive the names by which they would be known for the rest of their adult lives. The Red Indian called his sons to him but, before he could start talking, his third son said, "Father, father, what will I be called?"

"Be patient, my son, and wait your turn," was the reply. "Your time will come." Turning to his first son, the Red Indian said, "My son, you will be called 'Eagle'." Again, his third son broke in, "Father, father, what will I be called?" "Be patient, my son," his father replied, and then continued to his first son, "You will be known as 'Eagle' because you are brave and bold and will strike without mercy, both in battle and in the hunt. The Elders agree."

The Red Indian turned towards his second son, but his third son interrupted again. "Father, father, what will I be called?" "Wait", said his father, then he said to his second son, "You will be called 'Swallow'." Yet again, the third son interrupted, "Father, father, what will I be called?" This time his father didn't even bother to answer, and told his second son, "You will be called 'Swallow' because you are silent and swift, and will strike without warning, both in battle and in the hunt. The Elders agree."

Again the third son said, "Father, father, what will I be called?" With a sigh, the Red Indian turned to his third son. "Son, you will be called 'Thrush'." "Why, father? Why will I be called 'Thrush'?" asked the third son. "Because you're an irritating c**t," came the reply, "The Elders agree!"

My mother says those are really terrible....

I'm glad she enjoyed them. Here's another, primarily for the British researchers (others might not get it).

A landlord found that his pub kept being broken into. Sometimes it was vandalised, sometimes things were stolen. He visited his local Crime Prevention Officer, who recommended various security devices and then said, 'The best kind of security is a guard dog. Something like a German Shepherd dog, Rottweiler or Dobermann is best.'

So the landlord went out and bought a German Shepherd pup. As the dog grew the landlord trained it and all was well, except that the dog's tail kept getting longer and longer. Eventually tail was dragging all over the floor and the dog looked ridiculous. Finally the landlord had the tail docked to a reasonable length, but he kept the docked piece to prove to customers how long the dog's tail had been.

The dog served the landlord faithfully for many years and the break-ins stopped. One day the dog died and went to Heaven, but when he got there St. Peter said, 'I can't let you in. You're not the way God intended you to be. However, as you have been so good throughout your life, you can go back to Earth and get your tail.'

Well, the dog, or rather, his ghost, went back to Earth. It was midnight, the witching-hour when ghosts walked, and the dog's ghost sat and howled outside the pub. Eventually the landlord came out and said, 'What are you doing here? You're dead.' 'I know,' said the dog, 'but St. Peter won't let me into Heaven because I'm not the way God intended. I've come to get my tail.'

The landlord shook his head sadly. 'You worked here for years, you know the law as well as I do. I can't retail spirits after 11pm.'

Theres an Irish man living beside..another guy.The Irish man owns a chicken.Theres a hole in the fence between the 2 gardens and the chicken goes through and lays an egg in the other mans garden.When the Irish man sees this he goes to the other man and says "Can I have my egg back".The other guy says "It was laid in my garden so's it's my egg"
The Irish man Says "Well I have a way to settle this - I kick you in the nuts,Then you kick me in the nuts and the one who gets up faster gets the eggs"
"Fair enough"
So the Irish man runs up and kicks him square in the nuts.The guys down for 30 seconds.
He gets up ,"Right,my turn"
The Irish man says "Nah,You can keep the eggs"
Hope you like!

Here is a joke I just don't get. Does anyone find it funny?

There's a man walking through a forest and he finds a pond. In the pond is a frog, so the man says,

"Oh frog, why are you so green slimy and horrible?"

And the frog says,

" I'm not green, slimy and horrible. Really I am white, fluffy and kind, but right now I'm sick."

I get it, but it's not funny. It's to do with the way people always judge by appearances. Nice looking people (or things) can be nasty on the inside, and vice versa. The frog is using 'I'm sick' as a justification for not looking pretty. It isn't really sick, but people accept 'I'm sick' as a reason for not looking your best.

(On a similar, but serious, note, when I was about 5 or 6 years old, a teacher asked my sister, 'Why are you so slim when your sister's so chubby?' I was well within earshot at the time, and even at 5 years old it made me feel there was something 'wrong' with me. It really hurt my feelings. Oh, and I'm still 'chubby', but I'm working on it. And I've got a great personality! Just look at the jokes I posted!)

A bloke came home from work to find his wife had just spent £200 on a breast enlargement system and he was not best pleased. When he had calmed down a bit he went to her side and said...
"look dear if you wanted to increase the size of your boobs you should have come and asked me, I could have told you how to do it for far less money."
"Really love?" She said wiping her tears "How?"
"Well," He said "Just take a little piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts every day and before long you'll have enormous fat wobbly breasts."
"Don't be silly," She said "That would never work"
"I don't see why not," He said "It's worked on your arse."
Mwaaaaaahahahahaha oink

Sorry this is the cleanest one I've got...

> Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when
> he felt a sudden barf attack impending.
>
> "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
>
> She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can.
> Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up
> behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
>
> So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute
> later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look
> of obvious relief on his young face.
>
> "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Little Johnny?"
>
> "I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front
> door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

Good one Penny.

A guy walks into a bar.
"Give me 10 shots of tequila." the guy says to the bartender
"Wow, that's a lot of booze. What's the occasion?" asks the bartender
"Oh, I'm celebrating my first BlowJob." says the guy
"Well that's quite a thing to celebrate about, I tell you what, the 11th shot is on me." the bartender offers.
"No thanks," the guy says, "If these 10 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

I see we have droped down to the lower levels somewere between the gutter and the sewre's well if you can't beat them join them.

What's the diffrence between 365 used condoms and a car tyre one's a goodyear the others a bloody great year.
why can't blondes count to 70
because 69 is to much of a mouthful.

Why does a prostitute earn more than a drug dealer
because she can wash her crack and use it again.

Back on the subject of Little Johnny...

Little Johnny's teacher told her class that the next day she wanted each of them to talk about something interesting or exciting. The following day, when it was Little Johnny's turn, he went up to the blackboard and drew a small dot.

'What's that, Little Johnny?' asked the teacher.
'It's a period, Miss,' said Little Johnny.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what's interesting or exciting about it?'
'I don't know,' said Little Johnny. 'But this morning my big sister said she missed one and Mum fainted, Dad had a heart-attack and the guy next door shot himself!'

Little Johnny's teacher was doing maths. 'Three birds are sitting on a wire. If I shoot one, how many are left?' Little Johnny put up his hand and said, 'None, Miss.'

Teacher said, 'No, Little Johnny, that's not right.' Then she held up three fingers and said, 'Three birds are sitting on a wire. I shoot one.' Teacher folds down one finger. 'How many are left?' Again Little Johnny says, 'None, Miss.'

'How do you figure that, Little Johnny?' asked the teacher. 'Well, Miss, when you shot the bird it frightened the others and they flew away,' said Little Johnny. 'That's not the answer I'm looking for, but I like the way you're thinking,' said the teacher.

'I've got one for you,' said Little Johnny. 'Three women are sitting on a bench eating popsicles (ice-lollies, to the rest of us). One's biting it, one's licking it, one's sucking it. Which one is married?' The teacher went pink and said nothing.

'Come on, Miss,' said Little Johnny. 'One's biting it, one's licking it, one's sucking it. Which one is married?' The teacher went red and stammered out, 'The one that's sucking it!'

'No, Miss,' said Little Johnny. 'It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!'

And finally...

The teacher was teaching the class about words with more than one syllable. She explained what a syllable is and gave a few examples. Then she asked the class if they could think of any words with more than one syllable. Little Johnny put up his hand and said, 'MAS-TUR-BATE.'

'Gosh, Little Johnny! That's a mouthful!' said the teacher. 'No, Miss,' said Little Johnny. 'You're thinking of a blow-job. I'm talking about a w**k!'

I think this has gone low enough!

I think that I can go lower.

A guy goes into a bar walks up to the bartender and asks for a glass of water.
The bartender says, "What's the matter? Not drinking tonight?"
"No, I'm not." The guy says. "I'm not ever drinking again"
"Why?" the bartender asks
"Because last night I got realy drunk, went home and blew Chunks all over the place. On the couch, the kitchen table, the floor, and the bed."
"Well, that some times happens when people get to drunk. It's nothing to worry about, it happens to everyone." the bartender tells the guy
"No, you don't understand," says the guy "Chunks is my dog!"

Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says:
I didn't know you could drive.



The second fish turns to the first and says:
Bugger me, a talking fish!

Oh, and the sick frog one made me laugh, don't know why but it did.

Joe's elbow had been acting up. He got talking about it to a friend who mentioned a new computer that could diagnose illnesses from a urine sample. All you had to do was take along a sample, pay 10 bucks, and the computer would tell you what was wrong and how to treat it.

Joe thought this sounded too good to be true, but he went and paid his 10 bucks, gave a urine sample and waited. The computer's response was, 'You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for a couple of weeks and you should be fine.'

Joe was amazed and decided to give the computer a tougher test. When he got home he used various pretexts to get urine samples from his wife and daughter. He took a sample of his dog's s**t and masturbated to get a sperm sample. He took the resulting mixture along and paid his 10 bucks. The computer's response was as follows:

Your dog has worms. Take him to a vet.
Your daughter is on drugs. Book her in for rehab.
Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you keep doing *that* your elbow will never get better.