h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Slips inside and surveys the mass of celery clones from behind a pillar. Quickly spins the dial on her nano-gun.*

Hmmm, weed-b-gone it is, then.

*Takes aim at the choir loft and fires several streams of weed killer at the celery.*

*decides there isn't much she can do yet* has a nap under a pew*

*laughing wickedly as the battle mounts*

Husband dear, behold your empire!

*A troop of Guards storm through a side door and crouch behind the pews. The pop up from behind a pew, fire their spud gun and duck back down.*

Okay, boys, set your guns to mashed and let 'em have it.

*A wicked cross-fire is set up - whole potatoes from the balcony, gobs of mashed from the sidelines*

Ha ha! We have the upper hand now!

What was that you were saying, dear?

*Calls up to Woody*

BROTHER! GIVE YOURSELF UP NOW. YOU CAN'T WIN HERE. SURRENDER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

*Through the back door, a small elite squad of Soldier clones scramble in and duck behind the last pew. A few moments later, they open up with their turnip mortar.*

Crump

*lying flat on her stomache on the floor, having discovered that she can see the legs of practically everyone from under the pews*

*shoots off some arrows aimed at the legs of all non-posse members*

*reaches in a pocket and grabs the crossbow, drops to the floor next to T and provides back up*

*as the crossbow rapidly auto reloads, Fast Freeze bolts fly towards the tubers*

We could have a nice meal of roasted root veg once this is over!

[X and Zero battle against celery clones!]

*Amy dreams of vegetable soup*

*Affy runs in, admittedly late, looks at the scene, and has a flashback to the Mashed Potato Wars between Gurth and Miznia*

G'ah! A scene so odd that not even the great Bearded Oracle of Yonkers, Steve Meretzky, would dare to Implement it!

*Affy dives under a pew, seriously wishes that he had updated his Gauntlet to include a Chefinator, sets it to "Polka Gun-Ten Minutes", and fires at a small number of the Celery Guards*

The Chefinator doesn't have a polka gun setting. It has cooking related settings, like "deep fat fry" and "medium well."

I know. I invented it.

/* Runs up the stairs and seeing the vegetable Melée, throws the reverend in a heap behind the first pew. Pulls out his stapler and begins rapid firing at the celery clones. Zeppo grabs a celery warrior in his mouth and shakes vigorously. */

*Pops up from behind the Second pew where he ducked to avoid a potato. Pulls out his colt and begins firing at the posse. *

Yer ain't gettin` in my way of bein' Pope, yer know!

* stands up in the first pew, staring dead-on down the barrel of the colt. *

Good Jello!

* DuckS leaving the Pope hat dangling on the end of the revolver. *

*has worked her way across the apse and into the vestry, where she pauses to examine Zero's gun more closely*

There sure are a lot of settings on this thing. *twiddles several small dials and pushes a bright blue button. the gun develops torque*

Dang, how can you aim the thing when it does that? *points in the general direction of the gallery and the turnip weaponry, and pulls the trigger*

*a moment later the structure, which spans the main entrance, begins to collapse*

*starts beating X about the head with the bible in desperation*

*from a position high up in the vestry a lone sniper takes aim with a pumpkin-action shotgun at Lil*

*a detachment of The Celery's personal guard the "Green Beanets" is running through the portico when it starts to collapse burying some of them. The remainder attempt to charge to the Vegematic to protect the Emperor and unleash a hail of roquette-propelled grenades at the posse*

*One of the guard aims the blunt muzzle of a special weapon at Titania .... a trigger is depressed and a jet of fenugreek-fire shoots at her*