h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*a Parthenon-like structure in the village made out of dressed stone in the classical era style. At the portico are two bronze pillars, one either side of the massive doors. Each pillar has been cast in a likeness of The Celery. The walls are decorated with friezes and frescoes depicting scenes from The Celery's life and the glories of his 1000 year H2G2 Empire*

*there are sounds of worship coming from within*

*nods to the Celery Clone as he goes into the Church*

*kneels in the nave and makes a sign of exaltation to the icon of the Celery before removing a large ornate key from his pocket. Taking the key Zeb heads over to the east side of the nave and pulls back a green velvet curtain to reveal a small side door painted green hidden beneath it. He opens the door walks through and closes it behind him*

*Nods to the guard as he enters. The church is full of chanting celeries. Jello Wolf waits for a pause in the proceedings, then makes his way down the aisle to the high priest. The priest looks hautily annoyed at the interruption to his service.*

Priest: How dare you interrupt!

Jello Wolf: It'um important. Omens not good for Celery. Celery losing battles, losing many braves. Posse gets nearer.

*The crowd starts to murmur.*

Priest: Exactly! That is why we need to pray even more, if you would let us!

*The priest moves to call the guards.*

Jello Wolf: Wait! What'um needed is big act for the One True Celery. What'um needed is......A SACRIFICE!

*Jello Wolf holds up his arm, to which is attached a little dog. The crowd goes wild and the Priest's eyes light up.*


Don't worry - I expect there are lots of preparations to make before the actual sacrifice happens.

*The small green door on the esat side of the nave opens and Zeb comes out and carefully locks the door behind him. He is carrying a manual with the words "V-Weapon" on the front which he secretes under his jacket.*

*he raises his hand in greeting to Jello Wolf*

How Jello Wolf.

Well looketty here - whut in the name of the Celery have you gut thar.



Curious looking varmint in't he ! Whut yew got planed fer the little feller ?

How Zeb.

Small dog important to posse. We offer dog as sacrifice to the One True Celery. Try to improve luck.

Later, maybe have barbeque.

*The priest addresses the congregation*

Fellow clones, we must now cut short our ceremony so that we can prepare for something greater. You will be called back to witness the Sacrifice!

*There is much rustling of leaves and excited murmurings as the congregation files out.

The priest approaches Red Dog.*

May I take the, er, candidate now, please.

*The priest attempts to take the dog gently, but to no avail. He then tugs a little harder. Finally, he yanks with all his strength.*

Jello Wolf: OwooOOOooOOooooOOOo! Stop that!

Priest: Sorry about that, Chief. I guess you'll have to come along too.

*The priest leads the way into a back room, muttering something about cleansing and anointing.*

*stands next to the Priest and Jello Wolf and assesses the problem*

Naw thun Jello Wolf it's not goddam Turkey I think you cun leave the stuffing till after the cer'mony yew know.

*turns to priest*

Persistant little varmint isn't it ..... do yew think it'd be better chicken-fried or just plain grilled ?

Priest: Well, usually we eat the heart raw, but I suppose it would be nicer grilled with a light honey-dijon sauce...

*Shakes his head.*

Never mind about that. We need to prepare the victi...er...candidate. Where is the shampoo?

Wull I had a bath last fall and I think thar's some pitch-and-pine cone resin left back at the bunk house

*looks at Jello Wolf*

.... an I don't think our friend here knows whut a bath is judging from the aroma. Eau-de-prairie I thinks its called.

Whut about all the uther stuff we need - holy wine, sacrificial knife, aroma burners, frying pan, kebab skewers etc ?

Priest: Well, we have the incense burners and a fresh supply of, uh, incense donated by some, er, bison. And we have the Sacred Chopping Knife of Stewart, and we have the Consecrated Merlot...

We just gotta stop the critter from squirming then.

*produces cosh from pocket*

You hold it still and give me the signal when you're ready

Priest: *agast* What are you doing? This creature has to be in perfect condition! Perfect!

*Looks at the arm to which the dog is attached*

Well, as perfect as it can be.

Now, get some water and fill that half-barrel over there. I'll find the bottle of Herbal Rain, with Conditioner.

All the dang thing needed a quick fix with mah pacifier !

*The priest opens and closes cupboards, while muttering something in greek. At least it sounds like Greek. Finally, he straitens up from a looking in a lower cupboard with a bottle of some green fluid held triumphantly in his hand.*

I've got it!

*The priest walks over to the half-barrel, but stops mid-stride.*

I forgot the holy oil!

*He goes back to another cupboard and comes back with a bottle of Olive Oil. He proudly displays the label.*

Only Extra Virgin will do!

*takes out a whutstone and starts sharpening everything*

*admires the perfection of the sharpened edges of the surgical steel offering tools*

Holy Celery thay is real sharp !

Priest: Okay, lets wash this thing. Jello Wolf, bring your arm over here.

*Jello Wolf brings his arm over to the half-barrel, stretches it out over top, with dog attached and begins to lower the dog into the tub. The dog would dearly love to bark, but also doesn't want to let go of the arm. The indecision flickers in its eyes.*

Why don't we git the varmint and barbeque it suthern style. If yer cud give me a piece of thuh tail ah cud git going on that.

*the massive doors of the Church fly open as if thrust aside by arcane powers. Silhouetted against the bright sunlight can be seen a tall plant like figure.*

*the congregation inside the church are silenced until the realisation dawns upon thm that the One True Celery has appeared amongst them. At this realisation the assembled throng bursts into praises and adulations that he is come at last.*

*The Celery makes with way slowly down the processional avenue followed by his attendants until he reaches the high altar where he halts and waits for silence to descend once more.*