h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*In a cramped cell, a lone figure sits on a cot, facing the stone wall just a few feet away. As the sun slowly fades from the window high up on one wall, he scratches another mark on the wall. He counts the scratches, even though he knows exactly how many are there. One scratch per day, there are nearly 70 scratches. Almost ten weeks.

He gets up from his cot, walks over to a small table in one corner and lights the candle there, using the matches there. He begins his evening excercises, pacing the cell. Five steps, turn, five steps back, turn, five steps, turn...*

*the prisoner hears the distant sound of a door opening somewhere down the passage way outside of the cell. There is the unmistakeable sounds of footsteps coming closer following by asort of squelching sound*

Aww fer Bob's sake, whut in the name of the celery is thart on mah boot !!!!! Goddam rat droppings ah wudn't wunder @#$%@!!!!

*a peephole then opens in the cell door which shuts again. A slot at the foot of the door is slid open and a plate of beans is pushed through.*

*footsteps recede down the passageway until it is all quiet again*

*Stops his pacing and eagerly picks up the plate of beans before the rats get to it. Using his fingers, he quickly stuffs the beans through the mouth slot in the iron mask he is wearing. As always, there isn't nearly enough - only sufficient for him to survive and no more.

He walks over to the chipped basin in the corner and operates the hand pump, drawing water from somewhere far below the building. He thinks again, as he has thought countless times before, that at least he is lucky to have a good water supply. He drinks his fill.

Knowing that he will not be disturbed again until morning, he pushes his bed aside and kneels down on the floor. He pulls first one stone out of the wall, then another. With the two stones removed, there is an opening just big enough for the prisoner to squeeze through. The prisoner crawls a few feet into the opening and begins his night's work of digging.*

*Hours later, the tunnel has progressed another six inches. The prisoner, exhausted, decides to rest. He jams the spoon he is digging with into the floor of tunnel. However, instead of standing up in the dirt, the spoon penetrates all the way into the floor and disappears below the dirt's surface. All that is left is a small hole. The prisoner, at first very surprised, soon becomes despondent as he realizes that his only digging implement is gone.* *The spoon reappears here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/F91200?thread=191757&latest=1 *

*Quite improbably, the spoon reappears after less than a minute, digging upward to enlarge the hole*

*Stares in astonishment at the spoon and the hole. Brings his candle closer, hoping that this isn't just a cruel trick from his captors.*

I-is s-someone there?

*in just a few minutes the hole is enlarged to the size of a dinner plate, and Lil looks up at the iron mask, bemused*

Another prisoner?

[Zero] [echoing in the distance behind Lil] Hello? LIL??

*Pulls back his head in shock, banging the back of his mask on the roof of his tunnel.*

DIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!!

*When he recovers, he looks eagerly into the hole.*

Lil? Is that you Lil? Thank heaven for a friendly face! I haven't seen you for more than two years.

*Suddenly grave*

What do you mean "another" prisoner. Don't tell me you are a captive here too!

But who are you?

*more quietly* And who's that calling my name? I've been chased all over the place since I broke out of the ranchhouse. Erm, you're not in the ranchhouse, are you? I'd hate to think I'd run and ridden and fallen in a complete circle... but let's get you out, eh? Any prisoner of The Celery is a friend of mine!

*begins spooning the hole wider*

Why, Lil, it's me, The Celery! Confound this iron mask! I've worn it for weeks now - ever since my evil twin brother, Woody, kidnapped me from Redbeard's page and imprisoned me here. I don't think this is a ranch, since it seems to be mostly rock and there are some primitive carvings on the wall of my cell.

I can't tell you how happy I am to see you. In the room next to my cell, they were building a giant Vegematic for use in Woody's coronation ceremony. And I'm pretty sure what my role in that would have been. They just took it away, so it must be ready now.

Here, let me help.

*Digs with his hands, slowly enlarging the hole until he can fit through. Before going through, he pulls his bed back to the wall and puts the stones back in place.*

[Some profanity is heard from Zero, then inaudibility.]

*helps VITIM down to the ground* Give me that candle, I want to see whether I can get this mask off. I'm afraid I have no idea where I am -- I was trying to get away from all the guards and came into some ruins, and then a rockfall occurred trapping me in these caves.

*finds a small padlock at the nape of the neck and applies the negative force of the healthstone -- malignancy and illness -- to it. The padlock begins to rust almost immediately*


Lil has never met Zero.

Yes she has. See post 6 in F91200?thread=192256&skip=0&show=20

Dang! How could she have known who he was? Zero and X joined the posse after the kidnap...


*becomes aware of distorted echoes of voices somewhere in the cave system -- impossible to say whether they are near or far*

Dunno. Maybe she's played Mega Man X? Or possibly we could use some of Dylan's patented Continuity Bleach and say that she said something to the effect of "Who're you??" and he introduced and explained himself.

*the healthstone turns the padlock and part of the hasp to rust, and Lil is able to open the mask. It comes apart with a rusty squeal and falls to the ground*

Celery! Herb!

Why, yes, I did say it was me, didn't I?

Anyway, I'm doubly, no triply glad to see you, Lil. Not only is it nice to see you after so long, but you have probably saved my life, plus now there may be a chance of stopping Woody. He plans to take over h2g2 and he has cloned an army and hooked up with a band of webjellos and a bunch of giant Apes. I'm afraid he is very powerful now, but we've got to try to stop him. If he took over h2g2, well, I shudder at the thought. And you can be sure it would be just the beginning, too.

*Looks around at his surroundings.*

Do you know how to get out of here?

[Zero] [echoing in the distance from behind Lil] Lil! Are you there!

*From a slightly different hole in the ground, a great deal of screaming, yelling and shouting can be heard, but is rendered incomprehensible due to the extreme echos generated from it. A moment later, Affy darts up from the hole, looking as if he had just heard a ghost. He stares back down at the hole, and pushes a few rocks over it in the hopes of blocking it. He pants a few times, looks up, waves hello to Lil, looks back at this hole, double-takes at Lil, and runs over to her*

Lil! Thank goodness I found you! Listen, I think something weird's going on. The Celery seems to be monitoring you, because I heard your voice on a radio in his place. He's gone a little crazy, I think, and he might even try to kidnap you, or something! Anyway, there's this big posse of Salonistas out to find you,....I'm not technically with them, though, because I was already in town on a treasure hunt when they rode through. That is to say, I'm still trying to find you, but I'm not with them. Well, I seem to have found you, so I guess that I'm neither looking for you nor with them at the moment....

Anyway, we've gotta get you out of here! I don't know what happened to the Celery, but he's just not the same anymore!

*Affy stops talking and looks at The Celery. He jumps back about a foot after yelping in surprise*

Hey, Herb....so....I suppose you heard me just then, what with your close proximaty and all....