h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*stays in the shadows*

*with a lot of grunting and effort a lone Clone wheels in a 6-wheeled dolly carrying a large mechanical device hidden by a tarpaulin. The tarpaulin has a large "V" emblazoned on it. It takes several minutes for the Clone to wheel the dolly across the floor of the Church before he looks up and sees what is going on at the altar*

*he salutes the Celery*

The V-machine your high and mighty-ness as ordered ..... er ..... sorry for the interruption. Sorry.

*motions with his hand to indicate to the Celery Clones to stay where they are for the time being*

Naw then, Pope ..... don't you be gittin' all nervous and anxious like. We're all business pardners here. We jest wunt whut's rightfully ours.

Now we jest need a few minutes to fix up this here gadget of ours fer the sacrifice so you jest think carefully about the predicament yur in right now. Yer see if yer drop the manual in the water we got no reason ter keep yer in this world when yer cud be helping the Celery's cause in the next. See whut ah mean.

*signals to a few Clones to begin work on the V-machine*

*undoes the tarpaulin straps and hauls the sheet off the machine to reveal a 8ft high giant Vegematic machine. Constructed from gleaming black lacquered composites and polished copper the Vegematic is powered by a V-12 Turbocharged piston engine developing 3000lbs of torque. It is capable of slicing and dicing whole trees in seconds in it's deadly cutting chamber. It has an integral access ramp and an operating platform around the cutting chamber annulus to allow objects to be easily deposited into the machine*

*Sitting in the washtub, happily scrubbing Bee Bee, who seems to like the attention (after an initial clamping of jaws upon immersion). Begins to sing:

Oh rub-a-dub-dub, scrub a pug a tub...

*The impromptu song is intrupted by a document being dangled in front of the singer's face. He reaches up to take it.*

Whatum this?

*Bursts in the door and stops short*

What in the name of Jello is going on here?!

*BeeBee has been bidding her time (well, actually, she has just has a tendency to freeze up well stuck into a tub). The time is right. Her captor is looking away and reaching, and she is covered in suds. With a mighty "Foof!" she executed the finely practiced pug art of "projectile breathing." A cloud of fine mist envelopes the area of the tub. Then she does something even the oldest,fattest, and laziest of pugs can do; in an instant she becomes a wirey acrobat. She twists, she squirms, and the soapy pug is soon free.
Next to the tub she stops for a good shake (covering the area with sudsy water and little fawn hairs) and to collect her thoughts. She hadn't planned any further than this.*

*looks at the Pug*

Hey - somewun git the critter !

*Jumps back to avoid getting sprayed by the shaking pug. His vision obscured by the steam and the pope hat, he spins blindly.*

That voice! Is it she?

*thinking quickly (for a pug) Beebee hides beneith Sherry's skirts.*

*dives under Sherry's skirts in pursuit of the Pug. There is a scuffle although you could not tell this because of the immobilitiy of the masses of material that makes up the schoolmarm's attire*



Wull ah'll be darned. Whut have we here !

*Gets out of the tub, dripping. Pulls a feather from his war-bonnet and shoves it under the skirt.*

Here, Zeb. Try tickling it with a feather.

*an arm appears from underneath the skirts, grasps the feather and draws it back underneath*

*there is a pause and a certain look passes over Sherry's face*

*Amy slips quietly through the doors and into the shadows keeping well way from the guards*

*Pushes the pope hat up off his eyes, just in time to see a hand with a feather withdraw beneath Sherry's skirts.*



Unhand that woman!

*Draws his tiny decorative pistol and points it, well, he doesn't quite no where to point it, so it points it at the tub. The hat slides down over his eyes again.*

*becomes instantly alert and aims a Celery Army (A802630) twin-barrel hopper fed pneumatic spud gun at the Pope. Sets spud gun to rapid fire setting*

*asssumes the defensive stance of the ancient martial artichoke of 'Carrote'*

*carries on tickling*

*neatly dodges some of the flying potatoes that have ricocheted off various parts of the ecclesiastical fittings*

*Beebee circles the edge of the formidable skirting until she can force her way out. She dashes about the room looking for an exit.*