h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*tries to adjust to 'surfing' on a dog*

Keep running, I said. BeeBee, use your legs please. And stop worrying about that mint - you don't know where it's been. Head down that tunnel to the left of those interesting cave paintings.

*BeeBee and Amy enter the Cave System*

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*Butch comes back up the stairs and tosses the test-mint to The Celery.*

Here's your emerald, sir. And, uh, your prisoner has escaped. It seems he dug a hole into the cave system and is gone. I left some guards guarding the hole.

*Emerges from under Sherry's skirt.*

Now don't go gettin' huffy, now, ma'am. After the sights I've seen, I recon we should be bosom buddies. Har har har!

*Catches the mint, without looking at it.*


Well, Butch, it's a good thing you left guards guarding the hole - they'll be able to catch Herb when he comes back for his teddy bear.



HOW AM I EVER GOING TO TAKE OVER H2G2 WITH A BUNCH OF BUMBLING INCOMPENT IDIOTS FOR MINIONS?!? YOU'VE MANAGED TO TAKE A SIMPLE KIDNAP/RANSOM SCHEME AND TURN IT INTO A DEBACLE. NOW ALL OF H2G2 IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT ME AND MY PLANS!


Okay. This sets us back a little, but we can still do it. At least that posse is off our backs, now that Lil is gone. And now that we have the emerald, we can expand our army to its full size. Nothing on h2g2 will be able to stop a force that powerful.

*Grins. Looks down at the mint in his hand. The grin freezes on his face, then slowly turns to a grimace.*

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*Floradora steps out from the vestry* And how's my little captain of industry, then? *she pouts her lips in a kiss, but the look in her eyes is anything but love*

*Glares at Floradora*


I'm....doing...just...fine!


There's just going to be a minor delay in my plans, that's all. I already have a few ideas for how to get the REAL emerald and the KLAG III manual. It's just a matter of selecting the best one and implementing it.

Now, have you gotten lunch ready?

*Sherry arches an eyebrow and continues to point her gun at Zeb*

Mayhaps Ah should leave y'all alone.

*Sherry backs slowly toward the door*

[X, who got separated from the main group due to having been lost in the backlog, approaches the church.]

*watches Sherry back away*

Now thart's a real shame - she shure wuz purty.

*turning his attention back to The Celery Zeb reaches into his saddlebags and produces several thick volumes of plans*

Now then Boss which of these contingency plans do you reckon we oughta action furst ?

Thars the one where we persuade Moxon into an oversea's adventure and replace him with a new editor who's really genetically modified Celery clone ..... personnaly speaking I don't think that one will fool anyone.

*sets a half-empty glenfiddich bottle down on a corner of the altar*

Darling, you can take lunch and stick it in your root system. *Looks around* You should have stuck to insider trading and money laundering, but, no, you had to get religion. Your own religion!

[X looks around for a way to sneak into the church without getting noticed.]

*Looks around proudly*

Yes, my own religion. Opiate of the masses, and all that. When things really get rolling here, I plan to create my own Office of the Inquisition. *rubs hands* Yes, I shall enjoy that.

But that will be all in good time. *Glances over at Floradora.* Ah, it's fortunate those candles you're breathing on weren't lit, my dear, although they do seem to have melted somewhat.

*Glances down at the test-mint in his hand. Walks over to Floradora, a glint in his eye.*


Maybe I've not treated you very well lately. Perhaps a little gift could help to make things up. I know you like jewels...


*Hands Floradora the green, shiny, test-mint. Turns away, supressing laughter.*

*Backs up to door, turns, flees*

*Lifts up his pope hat just in time to see Sherry's extremely attractive ankle disappear out the door.*

Wait! No! I've only just found you again!

*Runs after her, but the hat falls over his eyes again, and he runs into Zeb, knocking the book out of his hand. The Reverend's Bible also falls on the floor.*

[X takes the opportunity of this confusion to climb very quickly into a window, where upon he hides behind a pew. Er, there /are/ pews here, aren't there?]

*having been raised in the midst of great wealth, Floradora has an eye for gemstone quality, and she sees almost immediately that the "emerald" is a fake -- there could be no other reason her husband would let it out of his own fist. She briefly considers braining him with it, then decides to allow events to take their course so that she can savour his full humiliation*

*without affect* How sweet.

*she reaches for her bottle and takes another long drink*

*Almost bursts when Floradora says "How sweet". Gradually gets control of himself.*

Well, I knew you had a TASTE for emeralds...

*Has difficulty stifling his giggles.*

[X, meanwhile, begins sneaking towards the front.]

*reaches down and picks up the bible instead of the contingency plans*

OK Boss, the second plan is to .... smite thy enemies mightly with thy sword of righteousness and to unleash the heavenly host upon them ?