h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah wus wundrin' when yud get here Boss. Ah giss thangs ain't going too gud out thar ? The varmint is ready for the sacrifice and ah just fed the prisoner so he's gud and ready fer the V-weapon whenever you like.

Oh and we got that Pope hat yer mentioned a while back.

*produces a hat from the rear of the altar. It is vaguely Stetson like with a wide brim on it, gold leaf around the edges and the word POPE made out in rhinestones on the front*

*Enters the church, looks around, turns white as a ghost.*

Wha... bu... you... no... it's... I...

*Looks at the pope hat, touches it.*

Oh...

Jello !

Now then Reverend, don't be shy .... you are the annointed one aren't you. The Celery's representative on earth an all that ?

*takes a close hard look at the Preacher*

Excusum me but can we fix Dog sacrifice now please ?

Hush now Jello Wolf - all in gud time. Thars sumthang a brewing here that I don't rightly understand.

*Hears the sound of distant gunfire, and takes stock of his situation. As he is surrounded by Jellos and Celery clones he comes to the conclusion that he can only continue in his mission if he lives, and he can only live by playing along. He puts on the pope hat.*


Jello forgive me.


Well, the hat does not fit well. It's loose, and slides down over my eyes. A pope should expect better.

*Claps the Reverend on the back.*

Good man! You look just right for the part.

And now, I expect you to fulfill your part of the bargain. I believe you have some items that I want?

*relaxes expectant of seeing the goodies at long last*

*Still standing by the washtub, with Bee bee suspended over it, struggling. Kicks the priest, who is still bowed down to the Celery.*

Get up, holy man! We needum sacrifice more than ever now.

*The priest gets to his feet uncertainly, not wanting to be disrespectful of the Celery.*

*The Celery's slap sends the pope hat down over the reverend's eyes. He pushes the hat up and tries to give the Celery a menacing glare, but the hat falls down again. *





Not until I have the woman too. What good would I be as pope without the woman?

It becomes clear to BeeBee that these people are never going to take her for a walk. She manages to brace her rear feet against something (Jello Wolf's hip) and goes where she is hanging.

*Noticing a spreading dampness.*

Ugh! Stop that! These are my best doe-skin breeches! Urgh!

*Steps into the washtub and sits down.*

Now, me really get you clean.

*Hugs Bee Bee to his chest and sinks down to his neck in the tub.*

Priest! Get the holy soap!

*Looks at the Pope.*

You still going on about the durned woman? Popes aren't supposed to have any women anyway! Besides, I can't give you what I don't have. We made a deal and I've upheld my part. Now it's time for you to uphold yours.

*Turns to the door and barks out an order. Several warrior clones run into the room. Turns back to the Pope.*

Now, hand the items over, or my friends here will take them.

*looks menacingly at the Pope*

*Fails to see the menacing looks, as the Pope hat has fallen over his eyes again.*

I fail to see how a soggy Indian with a dog attached to his arm or a half-wilted celery "priest" is going to take these items. I am a man of my word, Celery, and I have vowed not to surrender these things until you have returned the woman who was last seen in the presence of your men.

That is our deal, so help me Jello!

*slowly draws out his king-sized Bowie knife*

Naw lookee whut we gut here Boss. Ah reckons we gut ourselves a mexican stand off - an being the best dang poker player in these parts ah reckon this here feller's bluffing.

He aint' got no emerald, he aint' got no instruction manual and he aint' got a hope in hell of gittin out of here alive if he keeps on insulting our boys

*stands behind the Pope*

*watches what's going on takes up a position at the entrance*

Emarald! Of course I don't

*pushes up hat, sees knife *

...er, don't... ... don't lie about a thing like that.

*Quickly shows the Test Mint and drops it back in his pocket, then takes a step closer to the wash tub.*

And if you come any closer, the wi... er... manual goes into the water. And the ink is water soluble!