h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* Wielding spare gnarled oak club*

"Wobble away Sir DrunkenDeath, you are in grave danger of being trampled by Sir Stu or myself as we fight our way round the field. You'll find it a lot safer to watch from the side lines."

* Takes a swipe at Sir DD's head, knocks him out and drags him to the relative safety of the fringe of the field.*

no hard feelings, see you later.

* continues to much through chocolates, oblivious to any after effects *

"Hungry work all this fighitng"

*Casually restrains Sir DD*

*wakes up* wot the hell are you doin'? *sticks dagger in Mystrunner's hand withdraws it, and pushes him out the way. Grabs sword, staggers over to Bishop Odo. Takes his club on the side of his sword and uses a preasure attack to moove it to one side whilst falling forward. headbuts the bish who falls unconciouse. Turns to Sir Stu.* what're you lookin at?

*takes out crossbow concealed under coat*as far as I know I'm a knight, or at least I want to be one, how the hell do I join? *absent mindedly shoots Sir Stu in foot.* woops, sorry, trigger finger itchy, never mind, plenty more bolts. *takes out bolt and loads it in crossbow. trys top aim at Sir Stu but finds it difficult because he is hobbling around all over the feild in pain.*

Oh suff this for a larck! *chucks crossbow at Sir Stu. It hits him on the head knocking him also uncontiose. The bolts flies off and hits Mystrunner, who had just recovered from his hand wound and was trying to sneak up on Sir DD with a legnth of rope. (Mystrunner clutches shoulder, trying to pull out the bolt.) turns round* aha, thou unworthy churl, thou wouldst throttle me from behind? Good, that's what I'd have done. *punches Sir Stu who falls to the ground, unconciouse.* (hic!) cool and calculated combat is no match for drunken bravado! I'll fight a man for three things: he is comming between me and a maiden, he is comming between me and my drink, or I am already blind drunk and looking for a fight. *picks up crossbow, reloads it, and sticks it under coat. sticks dagger in belt and sword in ground next to a tree. reaches inside hole in tree and withdraws a bottle of mead.* ah! *drinks half the bottle, puts it back in the tree and falls over, setting off the crossbow which sticks a bolt through his foot.* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! *pulls out bolt* ouch ouch ouch oo oo ah! Bloody safety catch! argh! *has another stiff drink for medicinal purposes. falls to the gorund unconciouse*

sorry, typo occured, I didn't punch sir stu, I punch Mystrubnner, of cource, Sir stu was unconicouse

"What just happened?"

Ignore the drunk one. He's hallucinating.

He isn't a knight is he?

Not yet. When he does become one, he'll need to read the rules.

so should I disregard everything he has done?

Yes.

Bishop Odo, I am going to take the from the point that you ate the chocolates alright, and ignore all of what Sir Drunked did...ok?

*Sir Stu looks up in dismay, then in complete laughter as he sees Bishop Odo chow down on hie personal chocolates*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Have you ever seen the movie 'Charlie and the Chocloate Factory?'"

*notices the Bishop Odo is getting a little heftier*

"The reason that only I can bear the burden of eating those is that they are specially made for me"

"I made them so that they contain 5000% of a normal man's food intake. You have now just sucked down 102,000 Calories and 3.825 kg of fat. You cannot possibly move with 1 in your stomach, and the risk of you having a heart-attack has jumped so dramatically that you will have a massive one before this duel is over. You inadvertently ruined yourself!"

*Sir Stu watches in amazment as Bishop Odo's clothes stretch and rip to the point of them being barely enough to cover the areas where they need to cover*

*Bishop Odo cannot move*

blarg, dissregard my fantstic show of drunken fighting wuold yah? *mumble mumble holds head in pain at giant sized hangover* rules? damnd nuicence, but suppose I must play it by the book, now where are they? *sees a chocolate* mmmmm... lovely *calories in chocolate and excesive alchoholism leads to major corinary* aaaarggh! *clutches left arm, walking along the feild, everyone thinks he's drunk or impersonating Inspector Morse*

*falls on ground.*

* feeling slightly woozy *

" Urgh, what's happened, I'm rooted to the spot."

* desperately tries to move feet as Sir Stu advances *

" Oh heck, this wasn't supposed to happen......"

* Pulls tattered remains of cloak round self *

* thinks desperately * " I need to buy myself some time, Hmmmm......Eureka, I've got it "

* Throws back head, takes a deep breath and starts to sing *

"I'm a Lumb....... (etc)"

As the tuneless but painfully loud sound echoes round the combat zone birds drop out of sky, windows crack etc, etc and Sir Stu is stunned by the amazing noise coming from Odo.

* Odo is now using up so much energy singing she is gradually re-gaining the use of limbs.*

AAAAAHHHHH! THE LUMBERJACK SONG!!!! AHHHH! FLEE! FLEE!

*s away*

* evil cakle *

Aha, I'm obviously having the desired effect.

i would love to chalenge someone, but i am just not in the mood now...