h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"You like the tea? It's a secret recipie that I have been working on...the tea leaves are grown with sugarwater, and parts are covered with honey."

"To be quite honest, I much prefer cooking than fighting, but I have fun with both."

*takes a delicate bite of a doughnut*

"MMM this is great? where did you get it?"

*takes a whole doughnut and shoves it down mouth*

"Amazing taste...I can hardly stop."

*takes three doughnuts (layered) unhinges jaw, and eats them all*

"Must...stop...eating...before...explode..."

*puts down the five doughnuts he was going to eat*
*hinges jaw back*

"There...danger...avoided...for now..."

"Whoa, I need to rest and digest."

*slumps down against a tree*
*unfortunately, the tree can't withstand the weight, so it snaps in two*

"Grumble...Grumble...Weak tree..."

*finds rock, which thankfully can support weight*
*starts to digest*

" the doughnuts, ah yes, well its wonderful the things you can rustle up from a supply cupboard when a chef isn't watching. Tea's very good, must be the blend of herbs."

* finishes tea and steps back in amazement *

"Is this some strange battle tactic or has my opponent really fallen asleep on me?"

* Takes out rope and lashes Sir Stus ankles together, and ties his hands behind his back.*

" Feel a bit guilty about doing this while your snoring, not quite the thing for a true knight errant to be doing"

*Snores away*
*With a jolt, wakes up*
"NO! NO! I will not ruin the Jerk Chicken even if you kill me, or bind my legs together?"

"I demand to know why you broke our truce, when both of us were recovering from our blows."

"Go Herring!"
*to the amazement of all, the not so dead, and very well adapted (it can live on dry land) herring, starts eating the rope*

"Herring, Return!"
*Returns Herring to his pocket tank*

"Now where were we?...Ah yes TAKE THIS!"
*like a giant flying blob, Sir Stu lunges at Bishop Odo, and in mid air releases a volley of frozen Beef Patties (to stun Bishop Odo), and then just as quickly, and while still in the air, A volley of throwing sporks are launched at Bishop Odo*

"HaHa...(cackle)"

*Sir Stu snores away*
*With a jolt, he wakes up*

"No! No! I will never ever reveal what is in Mystery Meat, even if you kill me! Even if...you tie my ankles together?"
"What is the meaning of this?"
"How dare you tie me up when we were in a truce!"
"I choose you Herring!"

*To the amazement of all, The Herring jumps out of its pocket and to even greater surprise it is very mobile and alive out of water*

"Thank you my Herring. I have raised you since bearth, and you and I will always be friends"

*Herring chews through rope*

"Herring Return!"
*Herring goes back into pocket tank*

"Now where were we...oh yes...Spoon!"
*like a flying blob, Sir Stu jumps as high as he can. While in the air, he releases a volley of Frozen Hamburger patties that act as blunt weapons. Also, with just as great of speed, releases a volley of throwing sporks*

"HaHa, both of those are spread out, and defeat armor! HAHA! (Cackle)"

Forget message 23, please.

* Having a memory like a sieve Bishop Odo had forgotten that she called the original truce and now feeling slightly guilty stares in disbelief as Sir Stu flies through the air raining patties. *

* Lifts shield to cover head *

"Umph, ouch.......curse, mumble"

"Luckily my chain mail was forged by druids in days of yore and is charmed to minimise the effects of stale pastry."

* Sporks thunder into the ground around Odo, ripping cloak *

* Rolls out from under the still airborne shadow of Stu *

" That does it, no one tares the indigo knight's swirly cloak and gets away with it, time to release the Secret Seal..."

*chews fingernails in anticipation*

*enters the field*

i hope i am not interupting anything!

"I will tear your cloak in the field of battle, and more..."

*prepares for the attack*
*is getting pumped*
*beats chest wildly*
*adrelaline is surging*

"You want to play in the oven? THEN BRING IT ON!!"

(Time zones, weekends and bank holidays being what they are a reply is on the way, don't fall asleep on me yet)

" Sorry, the oven's just too heavy for me to move, anyway I don't think TORG would let it out of the gates."

*reaches deep into bottomless pocket and begins to withdraw the Secret Seal *

" Stand and tremble at the terrible power I am about to release "

* Swings round begins to withdraw hand *

The world goes silent, is the field empty?

*coughs to fill the silence*

Staggers over to fight, rapier drawn, foot-long dagger in left hand. Sways a little then sits down.

wakes up and takes metal flask from pocket, and sips at it's contents. Ah, mead!

Bawls out freash challenge to Sir Stu. then flops over sideways onto ground, unconciouse.

Wakes up again to find he has worked out how to get a nick-name. How wonderful. Picks himself up and staggers as menicingly as a drunken knight can towards Sir Stu...

Realises that sir stu is Dead and directs attention towards the Bishop. "Oi, you have killed Sir Stu., I must wreak his revenge!" Wobbles to one side, then returns, swinging rapier wildly.

Psst... sir stu isn't dead.
Are you a knight?

"Sir Stu isn't dead!"

*grabs an exploding pie and wings it at Bishop Odo*

"How can a secret seal work when it is covered...in RASBERRY?!?"

"HAHAHAH"

"Man, I am hungry"
*grabs a chocolate*

"Ahhhh!"

*pie is about to explode in a shower of sweet fruit filling...*

Realising that the Secret Seal is in imminent danger from a sticky end covered in a sweet fruity filling a change of tactics is required!

* replaces Seal and withdraws penknife whilst seeking cover from pies behind the lurching intruder Sir Drunken Death who hasn't realised that a duel is still being contested. *

" Hah, thought the old pie trick would work, well not this time.....

* Pies splatter on top of Sir Drunken Death *

* Large but friendly dragon appears on the field to add to the confusion *

*In the chaos that follows Odo sneaks up on Sir Stu and slices through leather belt denying the chef of his chocolate supply *

" Mmmm, toffee, what else have we here?"