h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

why red
By now dear chap, you should have recognised a man in our ?. Only a MAN of a great mind can enjoy such things as Stanislaw Lem, "Odysseus of Ithaca." On the other point, only a MAN can drink so much and not get pissy drunk as Questers does,what
And I do appologize for being an imbecile and now knowing dear Unkkers. You see I was rased be someone whose best friend in life were a bottle of Glen Wobble and local Gal. Cause of that little matter, I'm a little weak on the history side. Also, if I may point out, Unkkers has never dropped in the club since I proudly became a part of it, nor was it ever mentioned until recently.
*picks up his drink and walks toward the thinking window*

Well I'm glad we've cleared that up then what !

Unkkers, not mentioned?! Good grief, is there really any need to mention the source of that infernal racket in the smoking room?

Do you mind,Legers old chap?I was here first Gazing out as if deep in thought is what I always do on a Tuesday morning between 10 and half past! One can't break with ritual or frightful things will happen monarchy topples,bottom falls out of the scotch market damn women running the country.....I say some blighter has taken my chair by the fire young jackanapes....

if that's an aspersion cast my way, i wish to make it clearly understood that the chair by the fire is mine according to all rules and standards, having annexed it following proper GSSS procedure (grab, squat, squat, snarl) and i ain't gettin' up any time, not as long as the stack of Glen Wobble stowed under it lasts.

LegersV007 (most peculiar moniker that), Delicia, acutecat (most odd conceot that), and Lady Lowena ... in a developing spat ... oh, good gawd chaps, this is simply not the done thing now, eh?

....

Egad, ... the plot, it appears, thickens, eh what? Even with the diversionary references to blended scotch whiskeys ... humm ... what say you, chaps?

What, exactly, have we here, eh? Besides, that is, of the infernal noise, of this most unseemly, unnecessary, incipient squabble, of course?

...

HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRUUUMPPHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

*notices the impending spat*

Ekkers old boy - where did we put all the jello wrestling paraphernalia and accoutrements ? They are around here somewhere aren't they ?

Look lively man - chop chop !

I'll have a fiver on the delicious Delicia but I don't fancy Legers chances much though.

Smashing idea, Redders old fellow!! Jolly blooming good!!! Let 'em have at it, wot?

Q

*moving faster than at anytime since the 1926 General Strike Redders organises manservants, Fred Hog and the rest of the gardeners to erect the jello wrestling arena. The kitchen staff are press ganged into making a jello of just the right consistency. Within a short time all is ready and as a final act Redders has a few flunkies bring his favourite beguilingly soft and welcoming armchair into the plum spot to view the event*.

Ready whenever you are gels

*settles in for a bit of sport*

m'dear chap, you're overlookin' a vital bit of strategic fact here, which is that i ain't goin' to get up from that chair by the fire, is the whole point what? I mean, what were we talkin' about, say now. *leans back muttering under breath* settin' his armchair to watch a battle that's not goin' to happen, not anywhere near the place he's set the chair in anyway. Don't he look a perfect fool now. *guffaw* Hoh, ho.

'strornary behaviour from Popsy ... 'magine not girding ones loins for a spot of good old fashioned competition - 'specially when the weather's so fine ...

Dashed queer things at times, Popsy. Never will fathom the mysterious machinations of their minds - poetically alliterative I'm sure you'd all agree ...

Now, where's the McLurchers got to ... I've got a bone to pick with it. It's left my head feeling like Jerry's strafed the frontal lobe ... and while we're at it; anyone spot a badger skulking into me quarters last night?

Place is turning into a madhouse.Worse than the House.At least there a fellow can quietly doze while the chaps at the front shuffle some papers around......Chairs all over the place nothing on the menu for lunch but jelly its simply not on.

I say, chaps, it appears as though we will need to direct the help to pick up some of these recalcitrant gels (chairs and all, if it must be) and give them the old heave ho into the jello, eh what?!

where's that confounded pulley and crane contraption gone of to; we might have to deploy it after all, eh?

nothing a good heave ho won't settle, what?

First of all dear Red, I resent your saying about my persona. I believe that I got very good chances with our dear delicious Delicia, especially with the case of Glen Wobble that I keep for special occasions like this one. Furthermore, if it wasn't for the ladies in this empire and the lack of glooves, I would of had to call you on a duel.
Nevertheless, for the reasons mentioned above I think I'll instead take that nice cushioned chair near your viewing position and watch jello battles

Planning on hitting her over the head with the Glen Wobble then Legers !

GUFFFFAAWWWWWWWWW

Come and pull up a pew next to me dear boy .... I think we'll leave this one to the ladies what . They'll come round .... they always do - true it may take a little tinkering with the housekeeping but I'd swear on the Empire that the sun never sets on that they'll be here in a trice.

Redder, dear chap, thats why I enoiy talking to you, you are a man of great mind and humor

Ladies, you shall begin

That's the spirit ! Now where the deuce has the tottie gorn ?

The time it took you geniusses to think of gettin' a crane in here was quite enough fer me to nail the legs of me chair to the floor securely.
And anyone in their right minds weighing up the comparative merits of a pool full of jelly and twopunder rare steaks will go an' have a good yell at the kitchen staff to stop that tomfoolery at once. I like mine with nothing but some coarse grained pepper sprinkled on it, and don't slop any sissy sauce over it, if you please.

Rare you say ... burnt in other words ... bring me the cow and a sharp knife. If it doesn't moo when you cut it, it's over done ...

That's the problem with Johnny Foreigner - their meat is so damned frightful they have to drown it in filthy sauces ... destined to play second fiddle to blighty in perpetuity to my mind. That'll teach 'em to peppercorn sauce a prime fillet.

Now, where were we ...

Tottie and Jello old boy !

*thinks*

Sounds like some damnable cockney cuisine doesn't it.