h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I hate to contradict you old boy but there's only one thing here that's good for Frenchies !

*points at a pristine Vickers .303 cal machine gun*

Give me a hand with this little beauty will you - I carried it throughout the Great War and used it during the general strike of '26 and numerous wage negotiations with the staff at Reddington Hall. I'll need at least 10 of those ammunition belts and a few grenades as well.

You don't want to take any chances with Frenchie you know.

Here use this yourself.

*hands Legers a trusty Webley and lanyard*

My god!!! And don't you worry ol' Redders, I'll put this beauty to a good use.

I say, steady on, Redders old crumb. as they are wont to do, the gels have yet again diverted your attention.

I say, old boy, you of all people should know by now that there is only one hunt worthy of our attentions. and the object of the one and only hunt are, yes, of course, dear fellow, gels, by Heavens!

blast it man, we just don't have time to mingle with the riff raff out there outside the blessed confines of our most venerable and ancient club.

hang the huns and the franks, we're quite safe this side of the channel and our navy chaps will ensure there is no incursion of any sort. besides, my aircraft is now, has always been and will always be a fine, elegant machine with impeccable performance.

There's no point in having a beautiful machine, with impeccable lineage and perfect handling, if the bally pilot is always too pickled to get it orf the ground....

Give me any dodgy old crate and as long as it has a couple of trusty muskets on board I'll bag a few of the blighters and still be home in time for tea.

Huuuurrrruuuummmmppppphhhhh.



Bassers

Gentlemen, I must be completely honest. This is my first hunt of that kind. I must say that I am alittle bugged by that. But I'm sure that little bit of Vodka, and later Mac Lurhcers, will fix any problems.

Good Lord - I see the devious devilishness of their scheme now ! Got to admire the audaciousness of it all. Who would ever have thought that popsies could have dreamt this up all on their own, eh !

Mind you it's a tricky decision this one. I mean any red blooded Chap, or blue-blooded in my case what, would not pass up the chance of watching some high class Tottie doing her thing with jelly or mud. Mind you the prospect of bagging a Frenchie or two is terribly tempting !

*hesitates*

that is an icredible hard decision.
Although I must say that as a Man and a Gentleman, I'd prefer the second one. You must agree that Frenchies will always be, while Gals in Jelly is once in year, or so, opportunity, what.

What the blasted blooming bloody h**l is going on! Perfectly uncivil and bothersome row. All these infernal knickers all in prefectly loathsome twist. Where's that old three-naught-three gotten of to, devil take 'em, where's that batman gone of to!

HHHHHAAARRRRUUUUUMMMMPPPPHHHHH!!

I say chaps, calm it down a tad would you ... there's no reason why we can't partake of both ... Gypo's and Frenchies are in season all year, Popsy is always game no matter what she says, as for the Jelly, well I'm sure we can come to some arrangement.

Just pass me down the 12-bore with the Damascus barrells, sling me from the under-carriage of the Hurri and we can bag a few foreign sorts and be back in time for Tea and Popsy ...

Last one up the blue end, bagging fritz is a rotten egg ...

*calls over a few servants to manhandle the Vickers outside and into The Chaps Club Zeppelin tethered outside*

Sorry about the awful name Chaps but it's damned good engineering what! Got to hand it to the Hun they know how to build these beauties ! I had it knocked up by the below stairs staff in their spare time - the two hours we give em on sunday evening once a month.

Climb aboard and lets get some of this ballast drunk - we need to make a dent in it to get airborne.

*points to ample stores of Bassmans Port, Chateau Redders claret, McLurchers, Glen Wobble and Bowel Clencher*

Unconventional but effective

*watches Ekkers run to his waiting Hurricane and other Chaps emerge from the Club House armed to the teeth and into the Zeppelin*

Tally Ho !

*Checks on his Webley and lanyard. Takes out a bottle of MacLurchers*
Well, I am all set. You know gentlemen, our empire is a bloody beautiful place for special occasions like this.

Right-o orf we jolly well go. Cast off on the port bow and lets get into the ballast what !

*the Zeppelin starts to rise with majestic slowness*

Best get ready for spotting our first Frenchie. Anyone know how to spot them from altitude - I usually use my nose at sea level. Bit more tricky from up here Chaps.

Well my friend, perhaps we could use some of the modern technology. But we bloody mustn't put too many hopes on 'em, cause the good ol' hunt is a something that needs some work done with our own bloody hands.

By Jove ! I think I've got it Legers. Those garlic jockeys all wear bally Berets and stripey shirts don't they. Spot those from a mile orf, what !

Just shoot anything on a bicycle carrying onions to be on the safe side, there's a good man.

*realizing that there are other, more important priorities for a KG, peer of the realm, such as he, Questers, as he comes to - inluenced by the rather rarefied atmosphere in the dergible, he clips on his elegent parachute and executes a pefect paradrop straight back into the center of the club gardens from whence he stides briskly back into the Club building.*

"... good hunting chaps, I think I'll keep the dear gels company. see you in a bit, eh? Carry on and Cheeri-O!"

Questers

my good man, thats not a gentlemen thing to do dear Questers. Leaving us behind and going for the gals..

Bet yer all wishing you'd taken yer kites now ... splendid beast though a dirigible is, it's hardly the swiftest of modes of transport ...

Hurri, splendid bird at that, means one can strafe Johnny, perhaps bag a brace of Gypos, buzz a field of Fritz's fresians and still be home in time for toast and crumpet ...

If you're really lucky, the ground staff can have the old bird turned about and ready for more action in the time it takes to imbibe a piping hot cup of Darjeeling, wolf down a round of toast and marmalade and give popsy what for ... out again, strafe the hun, blitz fritz and bag another brace of Gypos and back in time for another crack at Popsy who'll barely know you've gorn ...

*waves at Ekkers in his Hurri from the splendour and convenience of the Dirigibles bar, salon and games room*

Bit like a home from home eh Legers

Spotted Johhny Foreigner yet ? I can see Tunbrdge Wells High Street coming up beneath us.

Not very sporting of Questers was it! I must have a word with the membership secretary.

*remembers he's the membership secretary*

*a stream of garbled radio-static comes across the air waves in the distinctive tone of Ekkers*

Gerry ....................... Tunbridge ....................... popsy ........................ bally great jubblies ................. Johnny .................... popsy .......................... gypo's ...................... what ho, over?

Wilco .... ccrrrkksshh .... jolly jolly good .... MY GOD !!! .... scrreeeeeek .... confirm large jubblies in sight now over .... get down Legers, decorum man, decorum .... whheeeroowwww .....